There is this consciousness that seeks to control me. It creates a certain concept of how things should be and how I should be. What to look like, how to act and how to do things. This consciousness has prevailed in my system for years now.
There is this constant reminder in my head that I am always the second best. Actually, not the second best. The worst person.
I am always faced with embarrassment. I always feel that if I do this or that, I might offend somebody. I was never confident. I could not really think of a moment where I had confidence.
Fear of rejection. Sense of normalcy. It all comes to these two things.
Fear of being rejected. Not accepted. Unwanted. Growing up, I was alone technically so I never ventured in doing things I do not normally do. I never played sports. I never played any musical instruments. Never knew group dynamics.
Alienated from other people, I am still in the process of trying to be normal. This made my situation even worse. Trying to pattern my life with what seems to be normal only made me hate myself even more.
That is why I quit.
I quit being an object of fear of rejection. I quit trying to be normal.
I surrender to the call to belong to the plethora of “normal” people. I will move away from the demarcation process of the cool and the un-cool.
I will be what I want to be.