Cheesy

as usual, isang simpleng happy fathers' day ang aking bungad pagkagising kanina.

sa buong buhay ko, i cannot recall an incident na sinabihan ko ang daddy ko or ang aking ina ng i love you. not that i am proud of it but it is just that this is our nature at home.

walang amor. walang cheesy.

and it is not that i do not want to because God knows how i longed for an open and affectionate relationship with my parents. the problem is, hindi ganon ang nature nila.

right now, dad is processing his papers para makapunta ng new caledonia. sa recent work niya sa haiti, they have used a new technology na parang siya ang magiging "in" sa parating na panahon. dahil dito, it opened a lot of opportunities for dad.

including two chances to work and bring us sa australia. as in sa the land down under na pinaka-aasam ko.

kaso nga, nakapirma na siya for new caledonia at hindi na makapag back out. so nakukuntento nalang kami sa pagsasabing ang project na iyon sa australia ay maliit lamang at may inaasahan pa silang mas malaking proyekto.

o kaya ay hindi pa time.

somehow, i want to curse timing for i have always had that look of a salivating dog over a meal that is not supposed to be eaten at the moment.

f*ck it sabi nga ni chris sa season 1 ng skins. and sometimes i want to say this over and over for the times that my dad never thought of migrating to other countries when he was younger and opportunities were many.

or for not teaching me basketball. the guitar. and for the math problems that led me to cheat for frustration of not being able to solve them.

or for not teaching me how to drive. drink and be good buddies. or how to court a girl for f*ck's sake.

hindi lang siguro ganun ang dad ko and i am ok with it. madaming mga "sayang" na moments pero marami rin namang "buti na lang" events.

two weeks ko nang kinukuha ang bp ni dad. 130/90 lagi. tumaas na mula sa kanyang 120/80 nung 2008 ata. little by little, pumapasok sa isip ko ang pagkakataon na magkakasakit sila. pag nangyayari yun, napapailing ako kasi tinitignan ko ang sarili ko at hindi ako handa financially sa mga ganung eksena.

i can't even give in to my wants and i feel like the doors are closing on me. for that, i think of my dad. his calmness and resolved outlook has always amazed me.

words may mean a lot but his actions will do for now. actually, they are what i needed.

dad, happy fathers' day and i will say it here, i love you.