2012 Part 4

somethin' fishy. birthday. eat out. celebration!

2012 Part 3

work. karaoke nights. goodbye. welcome. preceptor. preceptee.

2012 Part 2

night outs. practicum for adult health. juniors. good old friends.

2012 Part 1

new work. new friends. new environment. new challenges.

A Reminder

hello there!

i just remembered that i still have a blog. happy new year!

Try Harder

just a thought before i sleep...

i hope this will motivate me to continue.

Dark Side

as i type this, ten times ko nang pinapakinggan ang kantang dark side. i feel that my dark side is already out sa work.

kapag may ayaw ako, i verbalize it or they can read it with my face. sometimes kasi, ang flattery in other forms are like permission to be abused. kaso naman, i do not ask for flattery. i just want a peaceful shift and a not-that-tiring case load. kadalasan, this is all but a wish.

so this week, ngarag ang lahat ng tao. the dread of being asked by the surveyors and knowing the right answer is too much for everybody to bear. kaya giving me the most challenging cases would not help. minsan lang kasi i feel na hindi patas. pero sabi nga ng iba, wala naman nagsasabi na patas ang buhay.

i just wish na matapos na ang stressful na week na ito and we hope to pass the accreditation.

Minatamis na Kamias

there is a disease in me.

a disease which tries to kill friendships and abolish soon-to-be formed friendships. and probably, intimate relationships.

it feels like it transforms into a self-defense trying to protect me from being hurt. or disappointed.

paano nga ba hindi maging maasim sa mga tao? i can't just be too sugar-coated all at once.

Titanium

well, i stood in awe how the words of mark suddenly came into reality.

"isa kang madalahira at madiwarang nurse."

time and again, it has been my goal to be the very kind and sweet person that i envision to be. but, i always fail. it is like i get into this skin- cynical, excessive realist and a no-nonsense approach to almost anything and everything.

even if i attribute it to the way i was brought up, yash tells me to let go of it. that i am too old to know what is right and with that knowledge, i should have banished whatever that is keeping me to be truly happy.

and i guess, work is pushing me also to take on that skin and be at my defensive state in every shift.

we will see...

Happy

will try to live by these words...

Ed

every september and october, changes always come. right now, i am currently waiting for a chance to work abroad. again.

yes, i am that fucked up in that i do not finish my contract and all. it is not that i do not want to finish it. it is just that my family's finances force me to do it. in truth, i really love my job now though it drains me of energy and motivation.

but yeah, i will cross the river when i get there. in the mean time, i'd bury my ears first with ed sheeran's voice.

The Ninth Month

september went so fast. i hope these pictures would be enough to tell my stories...

practicum. birthday. inang's event. sleepovers.

thank you september!

Tests

last night, i felt that my patience was tested.

why is it that there are some people who feel that the world owes them a lot? why can't they be nice?

i guess i will be needing a lot of motivation later. besides, september na. that should be enough to perk me up.

Reunited

the past few days were rough. they had me questioning my intent to stay at my current work.

whenever i think of quitting, i think of them- sheila and mark. they endured the two years of working in egypt while i did not.

as they continue their own lives, i think of them- their perseverance and the times they almost quit but pressed on.

Don't Wake Me Up

is it worth it?

i am trying to find reasons for continuing the journey....

in the mean time....

Five Days

had the worst day at work.

for five straight days, i have been working. pwede siguro dahil sa pagod or minamadali ako kahapon. but, there is no one to blame but myself.

sometimes, i really wonder why do we have to learn the hard way. and that sometimes, it is already too late.

egypt keeps buzzing. but i do not want to escape from this. ayaw kong patunayan na tama si mark. na hindi ko kayang tapusin ang isang kontrata. at saan na naman ako pupunta? magsisimula na naman sa wala?

hindi. i have to face this one. i am not getting old. time is not on my side. san na nga ba ang mga kasabayan ko?

i know i do not have to compare. it is wrong. pero i have never been this shaken kasi.

praying for courage and a beautiful tomorrow. technically, a beautiful today.

In a Rut

mark sent me a text. he is leaving for norway. the other day, pat invited me for a dinner as she is leaving for canada.

the past days, i have been asking myself why the hell i am still in an emotional and motivational rut. my assignments are still not yet done. my swimming lessons still remain as a plan.

worse, i am guilty of binge eating after my four straight night shifts at work.

i feel that at this moment, i could have been somewhere. working at a first world country while sending my salary to the philippines for a more comfortable life for my family.

that was the dream and i guess, my parents' as well. but what do we have here? i am still here in our house trying to contribute to my parents.

in 2010, i thought i was going to london. but i did not. i thought i was going to watch the olympics from the stands. but, i am stuck here watching videos from youtube.

truth is, it hurts. even though two years have passed, it still pains me to see people leaving and me being left here in the philippines. no, i do not resent the fact that i have more time with my family. i just wished that i could have contributed more and experienced more what life has to offer.

so there, i will wait some more. hopefully, it will make me wiser and much better as a person and as a nurse.

Eating My Own Words

i'm wide awake at 2 am. right now, gusto kong sumigaw for things na hindi ko naman mababago. particularly, ang katoxican which led me to these lessons that i learned the hard way today.

1.) true friends will never leave you even in times of trouble. so charl, alisan ang pagiging maasim sa kanila.

2.) save! putik, i felt like a beggar kanina. always make the right choice in buying things.

3.) haste makes waste. alam mo yung feeling na alam mo naman e pero, hindi mo nagawa. nakalimutan mo or may ginawa kang iba na kailangan din.

ang hirap. ngayon palang, gusto ko nang sumuko at sabihin kay mark na tama siya.

Cameo Appearance

hi.

i'm making an appearance here at my blog. grabe, been working for how many days and my strength cannot just measure up sa demands ng buhay ko. so heto, my blog missed me so much.

***

mark

right now, i feel na malapit na akong maburn out from work. para hindi dumating sa ganong moment, i really try to go out during my rest days. i watched spiderman and ate my comfort foods. di bale ng maubos ang pera basta hindi lang mabaliw from the stress sa work.

bukod dito, there is one person who makes me not give up with my present work- si mark. ganito kasi yon, we were batch mates when i worked in egypt. we had the same experiences- mga katoxican, code blue, nakakainis na patients at mga superiors. kaso, after one year, umalis ako. leaving him all alone sa kabaliwan ng egypt.

recently, nagkita kami. and everytime na napag-uusapan ang work sa egypt, lagi niya akong kinakantiyawan na mas matatag siya kasi hindi siya bumigay. well. everytime i feel so tired and i just want to quit, i think of him making fun of me.

well, leche ka mark! i will not give you the satisfaction of me quitting work again. anyway, salamat. kasi it gives me another reason to strive harder.

***

big

i'm getting big. again. after my successful weight loss prior to my hiring date, i am back being busy getting big.

pano naman, i fuel up again by eating. like a lot! kainis. kasi,i do not want to get big again. i really wanted to be healthy as my exposure to patients who did not choose the healthy way keeps bugging me.

with that, i want to take up swimming lessons. i want to have a good form and really know how to do it. i also want to gain strength. kakapagod magbuhat ng mga taong three times ang bigat saken.

plus, it could also be a way of releasing my stress from work. need to start asap.

***
school

i could not say that i have changed my old ways. tinatamad pa rin ako minsan sa paggawa ng assignment. but i hope, this semester will be different.

kaya i will stop blogging muna. bye!

My Hopes

off! but a sleeping one.

sige, i will still take this time to do some productive things. work was fine last night. got to have a buddy with me as i taught her the routine at our unit.

again, i stand corrected with the way i perceived other people. i am learning and everyday is a chance for me to change my ways.

i am trying to bring in more positive vibe to my life now. i realized that me being in toxic shame and a denied hatred towards myself is not helping me. i gotta grow and change. i have to love myself more.

hope this will continue....

Cramps

while writing this, i had to stretch out my leg and rest for a while. i am having leg cramps. for more than 12 hours, i stood, ran, pushed beds and carried people.

my shift was not easy. i had to prepare a patient for surgery while trying to attend to his emotional needs. he was feverish and had high blood pressure. he was frustrated because he sustained injuries from a drunk man driving a tricycle and was irresponsible enough to be on the streets.

then i had to discharge patients. one patient was not able to settle the professional fee of one of her doctors. so now, i might pay the fee.

if i could just cut myself into four, i probably did it a while ago. i am sorry but could not help but whine. i know it is wrong but i just did not know what to do.

until, i saw my preceptor. she was the one who guided my while i started out with my new work. in difficult times, her patience and kindness stood out.

i will miss you ma'am.

Patience from Patients

if there is one thing that i would have to be thankful with my work in an instant, that is teaching me how to be patient.

i usually flare up. especially with the twins. or when in a fast food chain and i have to wait for so long. probably, got it from my mom which i hated.

my seniors have shown me the ultimate patience. especially when i ask a lot of questions or when i am taking too long in doing a specific task.

in addition, my patients have taught me the lesson very well. from me taking a while to respond to their requests or when i am covering up a delay which is beyond our control, i can only thank them and learn from their unbelievable patience.

yesterday, i was at the most perfect time to be at the receiving end of a flare up. a relative came into the station shouting like there was no tomorrow. she was complaining of having to wait for four hours before blood transfusion can begin for her father. medically speaking, her father is stable at that time. but of course, she would not understand or to say the least, listen to our side.

the patient arrived at our unit at 6:30 am and at the time she came at the station attacking us with her faulty arguments and her funny face, it was 7:30 am. she did not understand our process and from where we were coming but we do understand her concern for her loved one. i have a family as well.

but, i realized that in those times that i flared up, it was just a waste of energy. plus, my face does not look good with all the negative vibe.

Nadalism

i have been away for so long from my blog that i thought blogging again would not be possible. like the old days when i was in egypt, i could hardly blog and tell you so many wonderful stories. well, some are really not that good.

as you might have known, work is the number one killer of my time. my usual routine is described as work-home-do the laundry-eat-sleep. no more social life and my time for my academic pursuits keep vanishing.

at this point, i consider it as the most challenging time. my body could not keep up with the things that i have to do. well, i have myself to blame- procrastination and lack of focus. these things sadly have taken their part in my work that for two days, i was only saved by a prayer from committing errors. errors which usually are not common to me.

exhaustion. yes it could be. morning shifts just drain me of my energy. right now, i am sick again with colds. last year was not like this. i could only think of three times when i had colds but this year, this is my third already.

the slump i am experiencing right now, i know how to end it. but, it seems that it gets the better of me. like staying like this would be fine with me.

ending this, i have Nadal in my mind. his struggles with Nole has come to an end. like what he said, he had to prepare all the time and respect the opponent. i know his win is something special for me.

Rush

complacency. procrastination. over confidence. distraction. lack of focus.

change. discipline. care. time management. priorities. plan.

Sick

ayun.

i am again blogging. thanks to a fever and colds, i was able to blog. quick update lang. i am done with two assignments and there is only school requirement that i need to pass. don't you worry because i am currently finishing it. just taking a break.

currently on a sick leave, i plan to finish my portfolio and take more rest before over time at work will keep me from doing so.

with work, there is a weird feeling of enjoyment and fulfillment at the same time.

Limits

you see, i always extend some time after my shift has ended. blame it to needy people arriving 20 minutes before the end of my shift or to those demanding and those suddenly becoming seriously ill.

plus, the paperwork.

in the course of an 8-hour shift that extends to 10 hours, i deny myself of the human needs. i deny myself of water, of being affected by irritation, exhaustion and impatience. i smile in denial of these human attributes not because i chose to but it is needed in my job.

why am i saying these things? it is because on my way home or when i am trying to reward myself in the mall, i would not want to be playing the role of the guy who has patience and understanding for all. i just want to be human and not deny myself of my needs.

so people, please stop talking loudly when you are in a public transportation. i am trying to rest. do not make me go all the way to the driver's side just because you cannot do it since i am nearer to the driver and you are too lazy to move from your place. do not make me wait for another 10 minutes for my order in a fast food chain. my patience has also its limit and my strength is also exhausted on a daily basis.

sigh.

i know this is quite impossible.

Sun

summer is here.

Three Cups

f.y.i., i have been eating a lot. like 3 cups of rice per meal.

thing is, i have stopped growing. partly due to the activities that somehow destroy the calories i take. not to mention, the stress and irritation i get on a daily basis.

this is my life now.

The Sick Truth

i am home and feeling a little bit sick.

but what makes me feel more sickly is the fact that there are these people who distort the truth. i gave my best care for her and did whatever i could to make her comfortable.

now, buried with thousands of hospital bills, why the need to change my words? you have chosen to be cared for under this pricey place and i guess, you never realized that it was really this pricey.

still, i wish for your recovery and that i hope i will never see you again in the future.

Secondary

i have a theory.

and it pertains to the question of losing enthusiasm or zeal in one aspect of your life. last year, i was really passionate about my masters. now, that passion is missing.

i never missed the deadline and reading prior to an exam was a must. however, you all know that i am still not done with my two assignments.

the exams were okay. far from what i expected to get. pretty decent for someone who never opened his modules or for someone who took it in one hour instead of taking it for three hours.

this is my theory: when one area in your life is perfectly fine, that one area where you are constantly focused on giving your best, other areas of your life suffer to neglect.

with my new work, i have stopped working to better myself. when i was at the office, i took every opportunity to be a better nurse. even not a bedside nurse. i got in to different seminars and i started with school.

now that i am back at the bedside, everything else seems to be of secondary importance.

this is bad.

**********************************

this is my answer to your predicament. you know who you are.

Kisses

kisses from my patient. hoping this would make me feel better.

Love

would you leave a man who has betrayed you for another woman? would you even care for him when he is a footstep away from death?

i do not know how to answer this but a woman told me her answer.

after taking care of him for some time, i could not understand it. his wife stood by him even after his unfaithfulness, lack of cooperation with the treatment and by just being a difficult patient.

but, why?

i guess, i have yet to love another person. in that way, i could reach that point where sacrificing is not a question or an option.

as i type this, i guess this is what He wants me to understand. that even if i fail or disappoint Him, He will never leave me.

this is love.

Through

well, i have been out for some time.

i guess, my procrastination and laziness prevailed over me when work has drained my creative juices.

sigh.

at least, i am through with my two assignments and there are only two more tasks to be done.

good thing is, i am getting adjusted with my work. yay!

In Truth

most of the days, i feel like i have no free will at all. work dictates my day and activities. then once off duty, my mind tends to go on a resting mode.

for most of the part, there is this feeling that my life will be like this for the coming days. probably years. well, if you can still call this life.

my school has been affected. my pimples are coming back to life. my tummy is getting bigger again after compensating from a hard day's work.

i have not told you also about work per se. trust me, there were moments when i questioned myself if this was i really wanted. if this life is what i craved for when i was still working at an office.

or what if come back to egypt.

but thing is, i have changed. what ifs have no place in my life now.

even regrets.

in truth, there are a lot of lessons that have left indelible marks in my heart.

there's patience. when i feel that my brothers are too slow with household chores or when they do not get the message i am trying to send while talking to them, i think about myself. i think about the times that i am working very slow because i am not yet familiar with the routine at work. i think about the senior staff who are very patient with me even if i commit some errors or when i do not know about a thing or two.

there's also the need for good relationships. with patients, you need to establish a good working relationship with them. why? it will make your work lighter and enjoyable. a win-win situation. now at this point, i have asked myself if have done my part in maintaining or even establishing relationships with people around me. sorry but it is still a work in progress.

then, there's discipline. discipline in the sense that when you work, you have to have this in keeping a system that will work for you and for the patient. honestly, i suck at this. it shows with my school and in my health.

these are things that has taught me with the past months of being back at the bedside. i say that it is not an easy job being a nurse. but then, when you get compliments from patients and their relatives, you can't help but smile and be happy that you are a nurse.

so, how are you?

Danger

shoot.

i am delayed like more than a month now for three assignments. plus, i took my final exams in two hours only!

i think i am in danger with my school.

sigh....

Off

march is here and i started it by working my ass off for five days straight.

talk about tired. and exploited. but hey, i am okay. i just need to take a moment to rest and savor the moment that now, i can relax.

still catching up with my studies...

so i guess, i can't relax yet.

Champions

champions at last!

now, i have to champion school, work and my personal life! roar!

Feb

february,

you gave me a different ride of emotions. shitty, exciting, stressful, rewarding and all the same time fun.

i do not know what to say but thank you and good bye.

sincerely yours,

charl

Stronger

maintaining a profession is one big challenge.

truth is, our lives do not revolve in our profession alone. we have our families, friends, our partners and the world throwing crazy things upon our shoulders.

you are not alone. i offer my prayers for you and your father.

you know who you are.

Leona

hi.

been working hard the past week as i was on my own- no preceptor and no one to help me most of the time.

not that i am complaining but i can hardly feel that i still have life outside work. within one week of work, i had three 12-hour shifts which meant that i have already 12 hours of over time.

and oh, a senior staff commented that i had the most number of overtime work. is this what you call the baptism of fire?

well, anyway.

i had a lot of stories to tell but i do not know where to begin. shall i begin with patient relatives who are so demanding? or those patients who make me smile and appreciate my profession?

then there are these people at work who spew bad vibes that makes you wanna escape work. there are also the consultants (doctors) which they give you this feeling of being at the mercy of a god.

plus, i have three assignments due. two of which i think are at least a month old late.

i do not know where to start.

so there, i am still here. hopefully, better in time.

Lonesome

I like being alone.

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.

I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.

Source: tokyo-tea

Sucker Punch

there are times when i want to punch myself in the stomach. just like now.

you see, i am actually preparing my documents since i was already recommended for hiring. meaning, i will be soon on my own without a preceptor to check my work.

i am actually grateful for my preceptor. she stands by me and listens to my side. ever patient and soft spoken, i see some similarities between me and her. now these things make me want to punch myself harder.

how could i not inform her that i was not going to report for work since we were given time to complete our documents?

one simple text and it will be all over. but, i did not do it.

Ring Ring Ring

i think i am going to change my ring tone for now. my current ring tone has attracted a lot of dreaded calls.

guess i also need to work my ass off too cause these calls are from my current work....

Package Deal

hi!

im back. but not for long. right about now, i am late for nearly two weeks for my assignments in my class and i still need to lose about three kilos so i can definitely say i am safe for hiring.

work is work. still adapting to the routines and to the hugeness of patient assignment. before, i only handled two patients for each shift. now? minimum of three!

my preceptor is the best. though we had a rough time two weeks ago (an incident which i think was a little bit insignificant), i will still say that i got the best one. very patient and very kind to my needs as a newbie.

my new work has a lot of great people. except for two staff nurses who are bitching about their greatness and our weaknesses. well, they are everywhere so i guess i have to deal with them just like the old times.

sleep has been a luxury for me. i am slowly becoming a panda with the eye bags that accompany me during night and afternoon shifts. just like the good old days.

for now, i am going to savor each learning moment and try to be the best that i can be. i have to remind myself that this is what i have been yearning for since 2010.

so the complicated routines, expectations, work load and crazy schedule, they are all part of this blessing.

hey you, how are you doing? i hope you are fine.

Released

allow me to release some mildly-rich temper that i have been keeping for the past 20 million days.

arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

why must bitches exist in this world?

i can't.

Good

wow. it has been 12 days since i did my last post here. this is happening again- me losing track of time due to work and away from my blog.

i am not complaining though. even if i had to sleep at 8 am and wake up at 5pm to work. or assist patients void, like at least every hour.

this is my life and this is what i asked for. i am okay and i am liking the way things are.

so, how are you? i hope you are all good.

Understand

hi!

i would like to start the year by doing this: understanding other people. i believe much of my complains, discontent, loneliness and unhappiness can be solved by understanding other people.

in the process, i get to understand myself better. this year, i plan to achieve more, to be more positive and to be healthier. i only see possibilities and opportunities this year.

i did not wear great clothes or filled my pockets with money when 2011 bid goodbye and 2012 entered the scene. i was just there- silent and praying that God may lead me again through this year. that He may open my heart to His desires for my life. that my eyes see His wonderful plan for me. that He may direct my heart into understanding more the people around me. that He may touch my heart and be open to loving unconditionally.