Face to Face Home Edition

hindi ko na kinailangan pang magpakawala ng sarcasm at paganahin ang mga natutunang skills kay dr. house para umabot sa umaatikabong bangayan ng aking minamahal na kambal na kapatid. face to face ang eksena habang kumakain. may konting suntukan. medyo madaming sigawan. at higit sa lahat, maraming pambubuko at paninira sa isa't isa.

ang issue? kung bakit laging haggard at mainit ang ulo ng aming bunso. ito ang naging tanong ni paulo, ang mas nakakatandang kambal. bakit ba sa tuwing uuwi sa dorm o sa bahay e laging haggard at mainit ang ulo niya. umabot pa raw sa pagdadabog nung nakaraang araw pagka-uwi sa eskuwela ni marco, si bunso.

sumabog sa galit si marco. naasar. napikon na. si paulo naman, pigil sa pagsasabi ng dahilan kung bakit nagdabog si marco nung isang araw hanggang tuluyang nagalit na rin mula sa mga masasakit na salitang tinanggap niya kay marco.

ako at aking magulang ay tahimik na nakikinig sa kanila dahil alam namin, malapit nang maganap ang mga pasabog nila sa isa't isa. inaabangan ko ito dahil nagkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon na masilip ang mga pinaggagawa ng dalawa habang sila ay nandoon sa maynila. magkakaroon pa ako ng pangblackmail sa susunod.

maya-maya, naunang pinasabog ni paulo ang kanyang bomba. si marco ay napagsabihan ng kanyang propesor dahil sa hindi nagustuhang report. at ito, ang naging ugat ng kanyang palagiang pagka-iritado. pero kung tatanungin niyo ako, lagi naman siyang ganun. mainit ang ulo pagkagaling ng maynila o eskuwela. hindi ko alam ang pinagdadaanan niya pero lahat naman kami ay dumaan sa ganong sitwasyon. yung maraming ginagawa sa skul. lagi ko ngang sinasabi sa kaniya na subukan niya ang nursing at lalo siyang mababaliw sa pagiging busy ng mga nursing students. bukod pa yun sa mga dapat aralin.

pansin ko din kasi, mas marami ang panahon na nagugugol sa pagtulog niya. imbes na mag-aral agad, itutulog muna niya ang mga ilang oras.

sa bahay, isang malaking bagyo ang sasalubungin mo kapag mainit ang ulo ni marco. example, ang kanyang naging pasabog laban kay paulo. diumano ay nakikipag-inuman si paulo sa kanyang mga kaklase! at bilang tradisyunal at konserbatibong pamilya, mas nahikayat ang aking magulang na magbigay ng kanilang saloobin tungkol sa pasabog ni marco. sa tingin ko, balanse naman si paulo. ok naman sa pag-aaral kung ikukumpara kay paulo. marunong din naman siyang mag-enjoy kahit papano.

ewan ko pero sa tingin ko, may alam naman ang aking kapatid sa dulot ng alak pero mas alam ko na hindi siya tanga para magpakalasing at magpakabangenge sa daan o kungs saang lugar. heto nga at minsan, sila ay umiiwas sa pag-aya ng kanilang mga kaklase para sa mga gimik. nasasabihan pa nga ng landlady nila na parang mga pari dahil hindi lumalabas ng dorm. takot sila. takot umalis sa comfort zone at takot na mapunta sa mga sitwasyon na bago sa kanila.

nagpatuloy ang mga arguumento. sa tantiya ko, natatalo si paulo dahil ang kanyang "pag-inom" ang mas naging paborito ng aking magulang. sa inis, isang suntok ang dumapo sa binti ni marco. ngumiti ako dahil mahaba pa ang gabi at ang mga eksena ay patuloy na umiinit.

hanggang sa magdrama ang akin ina. nauyam ako sa totoo lang. ewan. para sa akin, hindi na kailangan na idramatize ang mga bagay na nakahapag sa aming harapan. case in point, ang aming unstable na finances. meron pa siyang questioning na nalalaman kung bakit ngayong graduating pa ang kambal. ang aking ama naman ay siyempre, tahimik. ewan ko kung tahimik lang siya o patuloy pa rin niyang ine-examine ang mga punto ng dalawa. pwede rin na hindi niya narinig nang maayos.

tahimik lang ako sa kabuuan ng mga pangyayaring ito. napapangiti habang inuubos ang aking milk tea. gusto kong magsalita at lalong painitin ang mga kaganapan pero, nagpigil ako. napaisip ako at tinanong ang aking sarili.

alin nga ba ang tama o mali? ang makipag-inuman o ang maging pabaya sa pag-aaral?

walang tama o mali. meron lang mas magandang option sa dalawa. isa akong perpektong halimbawa. nung nag-aaral ako, nakipag-inuman ako (dalawang beses nga lang ata). naglakwatsa. nanood ng sine. nakikitulog kung san san. umuuwi ng boarding house ng ala tres ng umaga. pero nagtapos ako ng college nang may munting parangal. walang bagsak at naging maayos ang lahat. walang naging problema. nagawa ko ito dahil kahit papano, natuto akong mag-enjoy (kahit hindi ko nilubos) at mag-aral nang sabay. natuto akong magprioritize at magmanage ng time.

siguro, mas gugustuhin ko nang naglalakwatsa ang aking mga kapatid kesa makulong sila sa dorm at natutulog. sa labas ng kuwarto, marami ang puwedeng matutunan. pakikisama. pakikipagsapalaran. pakikipaglaban. pagsasaya. pamumuhay. madami. hindi ko kayang banggitin lahat pero sana hindi maging huli para sa kanila.

Bitch Talk

the bitch is back.

after two days of staying in my uncle's home, my parents and uncle surrendered to the dramatic antics of this quite amusing dog named roxy. she would not move in her spot even if it was raining and would not eat her food. she would be relentless in her persuasion to bring her back home by barking all night long. my parents could not help themselves thinking about roxy so for those two days, they visited her.

her absence was felt in our home. she would usually tease the other dogs for since she is the only available bitch. the other bitch, kisses, is busy nursing her pups. she is also sweet in a different way. but she can be annoying and destructive as well. i have seen her breaking through the fences that separate them from the chickens. she would go for her kill and would hide the evidence of the crime. but nothing is hidden for our great house help and so roxy would suffer the consequences of her hunt.

it was weird. the two days were unusually silent. i felt the loneliness that can attack a person longing for someone. if a dog can elicit this kind of emotion, i wonder about the depth a person i love will bring. it must be paralyzing.

now i am afraid of bitches.

False Hopes

there is nothing more foolish than a hoping heart. when all the build-up of optimism is beginning to reach its climax, there goes the bomb exploding in your face telling you that it is not and will not gonna happen. but then, what is there to have and to hold on to?

Prayer for the Cloud to Vanish

Lord, it has been months since i was put into an adventure that i thought it was all that i could ever dream of. but i did not happen and only You know the reason. please help me to not question Your wisdom. help me to control my thoughts of turning my back against You.

You have been my help all these times and forgive me if i tend to see only the bad side. i know i should look around me and marvel at your blessings. You have given my family a good health and continue to do so. we may not have an abundant finances but they are enough. thank You Lord for we are learning to be contented and to rely only on Your graces. thank You very much.

Lord, thank You also for the successes my friend benj and karen are receiving in singapore. thank You for the answered prayers. i also pray for sheng and her father that he may have a speedy recovery and for sheng to remain faithful and trusting that You are in control.

please remove the growing cloud in my mind that seeks to block my hopeful dependence on Your grace. allow me Lord to realize that my efforts are not in vain and that i should not be envious of my friends' successes. i beg of You, Lord to have mercy on me and grant me the job that i have been praying for me. bring me to the place where you destined me to be. continue to bless my family and protect us from any danger and harm that may come from evil and natural forces.

these i pray in the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior and friend. Amen.

Hate On Me

i think i found another reason to hate myself. but the old charl.

as i am in the process of regaining energy from a day of job hunting from inside the bus that will take me home to pampanga, i happened to witness an old me. i mean i could only laugh now and at the same time, i started to loathe her. but then, i would end up loathing the former me.

remember the days when i was still at dlsu? it was crazy. the probinsiyano me had to pinch myself so many times just to convince myself that i was really there. how could i forget the awe in my eyes when i heard that they were from zobel? gee that was embarrassing. or how about i did not have an email address back in 2002 since i did not know how to use the internet?

i believe that things happened really fast at that time. i was not prepared and i was not ready for the challenges. subjects like sociology and religion were my saving grace. i can shame the graduates of manila science high school and colegio san agustin makati with my grades but sadly, computer science was not entirely made up of those two subjects.

it was pride that took me to dlsu and it was still pride that made me leave that place. we didn't have uniforms there but whenever i wore that p.e. shirt with the logo of the school, i would walk very slowly in the surrounding streets of the school just to let people know that i was studying there.

as i saw that girl today wearing proudly the animo shirt, i can only smile now. i was thankful that i have moved on from that awful me. i was so shallow. and pathetic. i hope that girl will realize that in the real world, we are not defined by the school where we graduated. it may still be that way for some but hey, those people are not grounded with reality. the challenge is when you start to live in the real world bearing the values and the lessons the school has taught you. those lessons may not be entirely from books or from the corners of the class room.

it may come from the experience of having to fall in long lines just to pay your tuition or from the lack of overhead projectors. from the hepa lane food strip or from the long trips going to your related learning experience. i did not only learn how to be a nurse. i learned initially how to live a meaningful life.

i miss school.

Not Enough Thank Yous

for a health professional like me, i was taken aback by how much unappreciative i was regarding the good health my family has right now. it took a sad event tonight for me to realize this.

you know the saying that health is wealth. it may be true that having a good health is like a treasure but have you also noticed that for us to have a good one, we should also spend much? i mean with regards to eating the right kind of foods. fruits here are not cheap. good quality of meat comes at a price. the list goes on.

at a time when i am feeling down again for not having much progress on a personal level, i had to be slapped with the blessings that we have. remember sheng? she is my dear friend who was ardently waiting for her chance to work in new zealand but now, she is just hoping for a spot in a provincial hospital. she still has two siblings in college. the other one is taking up dentistry which really is an expensive course. least to say, finances to their family is not that easy.

few hours ago, she texted me asking for prayers. her dad had a t3 fracture and is now under observation. i could only imagine how difficult it is for them. fears and worries should not be taken for granted as the father's condition is unstable and finances may be difficult.

so tonight, i am praying for her father and her family. i am going to thank the Lord for i am blessed with good health. me and my whole family. finances may be hard for us also but He will provide. i may not have a job at the moment but i get to relax all the time and do things that i may not be able to do if i will have a job. for friends who understand me. for their words, wisdom and love that cradles my fragile humanity. i am humbled and will strive to be as i take it all in all these blessings.

Windows

no. it is not that i have not moved on with the demise of my u.k. dreams. i am fine and i am okay with it. it is just that nothing seems to be going my way and it hurts so bad.

whatever happened to the saying that when a door closes, another window opens? oh shit! it must be the rain!

Karma

i am beginning to question my goodness as a person.

wikipedia says that in theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. in Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.

it is amazing to note that i have come to a point where in i have conquered anger. i read somewhere that if you are angry, it conquers you. so i am beginning to think that i have conquered it instead of me being conquered by anger. and it has caused me a lot of hurts and bad decisions. sure i have done an awful lot of bad things in the past but i am changing. repented? yes. made amends? little by little. prayed? everyday.

i am just wondering if karma can be ended. or how do you change it. i thought of doing good deeds but i guess, i do not measure up to the standards of heaven.

every noon, i stand in the doorpost looking for something beneath the houses that reach my eyes. i am always thinking that someday, i am gonna be away from this home where in i can do more. deep in my heart, i know something is planned for me and i just do not know when is that time. i have prayed always but until now, no answers or even clear guidance to what i shall do now.

i am waiting as i have always been but in the process, i begin to put myself under scrutiny. that maybe, i deserve all this. but is forgiveness only an idea? that maybe, i am such a horrible person. but is change impossible? that maybe, karma is at play. but have i done only bad things to suffer much?

The Dangers of Rain

i initially called it a day. after all, power interruption had made me lie on my bed listening to the crickets' persuasion to be still and to grab the chance of silence. it was cooler as the typhoon basyang welcomed herself in our midst.

there was no escape. as the last beep of my laptop warned me, it is time to enter the phase in which i dreaded to be in. the battery has died to be in union with the interruption. that silence, when coupled with darkness can only send you images in your mind. i had lots of it.

of course there was this strong wanting of me to be in spain. to live there and be one with that beautiful country. watch games of barca and real madrid and go home in a beautiful mediterranean home. a glass of sangria would be perfect to end a beautiful night. i hope my career can lead me there. but now, i can be content with learning spanish with my virtual teacher.

friends. i realized that in this stage of my life, the process of elimination was close to being over. i have friends who are worth keeping and i am happy with them. though distance creates a certain longing to be with them, i can only be grateful for their presence in my life. but as i have told benj, though i am far from being stupid in keeping friends who are user-friendly and with those whom i deem as stupid, the idea of banished wonderful relationships that could be made still lingers. guess i have not opened up to people that much.

has it been six days? yeah i think so. six days means six hours of running and running as kids in my neighborhood try to jeer me by pretending to jog as well outside our lovely lawn. i am doing this for myself and even if tomorrow will be covered with basyang's eternal run of water power, i will not be deterred by it. listen, i am determine to lose those man-boobs and the belly.

now i am alone. again and again as it has been for most part of my life. i am beginning to think that 2010 will end up as those previous years. nothing significant. nothing new. but i guess it will be too early to tell. this is the shitty me talking.

seriously, i need a job. having these thoughts are dangerous. thankfully, electricity has reached our home!

My World Cup Dreams

it was nearing six in the morning when i finally hit the bed today. that was my sleep for yesterday but since the world cup finals was due, i had to witness one of the defining moments of my life.

i think it was one of my patients that had my interest stirred. people from my area were always talking about my patient. all they can say back then was that he was popular in egypt. they even told me to take care of him and i replied to them that every patient, i take care of them equally. all with utmost attention and every possible caring from a disciple of nightingale. it was only upon his discharge that i i came to know that he was a football coach. a popular football coach.

well of course he was popular. a big time too since he was able to afford the hospital. then there were these patients of mine who would watch football on their room's television. and as for icebreakers, i would always ask them their bet for the world cup. that time, i never knew the spanish national team but it caught my interest since they were always predicted to win the world cup.

the atmosphere in the unit was also different when a football game is being played. as if critical patients were made to wait for the game to finish, i was horrified how a game can cause such kind of change in the work dynamics.

now having to write something about a sport in which i came to love over the past six months, i wish that i took the chance of learning how to play the game back in egypt where people are crazy in love with the sport. i could have bought a ball back here so now, i will not contemplate on having to face the chances of spending some money over a magic ball.

i could not believe that i cried while watching casillas, villa and the rest of the spanish football team bask in victory. it was a sweet moment. it was a defining moment. for spain and for me. who would have thought that a team plagued with defeat the moment they started their campaign for this prestigious event would win it all? after all the lashing, the criticisms, the injuries and all the fuss about their defeat, here they are now, conquerors of the world cup.



my malleable heart can only cry in sheer joy for once again, hope is near. redemption is achievable and that a victory is not impossible should you taste the bitter offering of defeat.

all these, available if you have a humble heart, a hard working body, a risk-taking mentality and a spirit that never surrenders to the challenges of life.

now back to me dreaming for a cup of patients calling for my care and a boot made for the inner me wanting to be active. Felicitaciones a todos nosotros!

*photo from associated press

Just Now, Not Yesterday and Tomorrow

there comes a time when you can't do nothing much about your situation. you complain, nothing happens. you gloat over the future, still nothing happens. as this time of my life would like to teach me, it is the fact that i have to live in the moment. the now phase and not the before or after.

it might be tough not to succumb to many regrets in life but thing is, i tend to look only for the bad things that have happened. i forgot that in those moments of folly, i smiled. i laughed. now the playful mind has the opportunity to be big in that it creates pictures of what could be. i have learned also that expectations are great, only when they are realized. and that wanting things you could have should happen when you are in that very position to dream.

so for now, i am living in the moment of now.

Cleaning the Soot of the Ugly Past

a week passed and i survived the test of an unfamiliar environment. i did enjoy the training as soon as i opened up to people. new faces and new friends. but not for long. so i am moving on.

i decided to act quickly so by tuesday, i was already in the corridors of my prospect. i thought i did fine but not awesome. so i will try to be one when i come back. hopefully. with prayers everyday that i will be called for the next step.

the way i see it, i am recovering from that downfall. but not completely. there is still a lot to be done on my part. don't you just hate it when you thought you are doing okay, some people from the past come up and try to steal that newly-found inner peace? i guess i might take things into my own hands. i have to protect my self now from being corrupted by my own past.

life is so beautiful so to try to pollute it with the soot of the ugly past is not just fair. i will not rush and i will not fret of things i do not have and will not have. i will wait for my time to shine.

Killing Me Softly

benj will kill me if he reads this. since the chances are slim that he will be able to find his way here, i am writing this post now.

my refresher course for basic life support (bls) started today. it is a course that i have to attend in order for me to jump start my job applications here. last sunday, i prayed to God that if i will be able to find an offering for that course next week, He is saying yes to my job hunt locally. and i did! guess who never learned of his stupidity over signs and epiphany? monday morning, i called the local chapter in our province of red cross and it so happened that they were currently conducting a course this week. bls started today and so here i am, letting myself blurt all the observations, frustrations and what not in the first day of my training.

really people? start the class fifteen minutes late? but i have forgiven you since the first instructor was really good. even his jokes tainted with sexual innuendo i have loved. even before the class started, i have these two irritating seatmates who are a couple. can't the guy study quietly? gosh he speaks the filipino language with his thick kapampangan accent and everything he says was just plain nonsense. with that, i have understood his girl why she acted like that towards him. go girl with flirting with one of the instructors while you are beside your boyfriend! classic.

but don't think that because of that, you are too beautiful to invade my personal space. your ugly purple fan should not touch my notes. who knows where the stains of your fan came from. can you tell your boy also that the black fan that i am using, yes the one in front of me is mine? and that he cannot just get it and touch his face with it. yuck!

you see, i am so quiet and peaceful trying to refresh myself with the whole process of cpr. so guys, if you don't want to listen to the instructor's nonsense explanation, keep it to yourself as i do. hahaha. and guys, hitting on our instructor while the class is ongoing? please do it during break time. you are wasting my time.

good thing, kuya manny (he looks, talks and acts like manny pacquiao), the soldier who is also enrolled for the bls training provided some effortless humor with his demeanor. i think i can look up to the real manny pacquiao now because of kuya.

now i can stop for the heavens might conspire to punish the bitchy me... i will study now with hopes of getting a high marks for both written and practical exams.

benj, forgive me. i really tried to be friendly. and i smiled ha! though not all the time for i will look insane. you know how i value the image i project. i also made an effort to talk to the people around me. catch is, to those people i find sensible. but at least i talked to real people.