Karma

i am beginning to question my goodness as a person.

wikipedia says that in theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. in Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.

it is amazing to note that i have come to a point where in i have conquered anger. i read somewhere that if you are angry, it conquers you. so i am beginning to think that i have conquered it instead of me being conquered by anger. and it has caused me a lot of hurts and bad decisions. sure i have done an awful lot of bad things in the past but i am changing. repented? yes. made amends? little by little. prayed? everyday.

i am just wondering if karma can be ended. or how do you change it. i thought of doing good deeds but i guess, i do not measure up to the standards of heaven.

every noon, i stand in the doorpost looking for something beneath the houses that reach my eyes. i am always thinking that someday, i am gonna be away from this home where in i can do more. deep in my heart, i know something is planned for me and i just do not know when is that time. i have prayed always but until now, no answers or even clear guidance to what i shall do now.

i am waiting as i have always been but in the process, i begin to put myself under scrutiny. that maybe, i deserve all this. but is forgiveness only an idea? that maybe, i am such a horrible person. but is change impossible? that maybe, karma is at play. but have i done only bad things to suffer much?