Some Issues

for your daily dose of some lovin' brothers. like the jedward twins.



the twins are already done with college. after a month, there is not a trace of them wanting to grow up and own the challenge of their situation. everyday, they will wake up at around 9-10:00 am and would wait to be asked by our maid to eat their breakfast. if they wake up early, it is because of them surfing the net or a basketball game is on.

this, has persisted for a month now.

my mom is going crazy and would transform into her normal monster-like self in a few days. no once could talk to them. not even the sharp tongue that i have could encourage them to start growing up and look for a job.

here are the issues.

1.) confidence
the youngest in our family has grown up sheltered from the harsh realities of the world in that he is uncomfortable in meeting new situations. his preconceived thoughts always triumph in preventing him to face the world. oh wait, the two of them actually. both twins are like this.

2.) nba



now i must admit that i watch nba sometimes for the sake of seeing dirk nowitzky win a championship. but my brother? his world revolves around miami heat or the lakers. f*ck it but i just don't get it! i am not like this with rafa, with the feu volleybal team and real madrid! i swear, i do not get affected with their loss to the point of losing concentration when writing reports for the service time of the emergency room or my hands shaking. or the idea of my senses lost for a moment for every defeat. i. am. not. like. that. and lastly,

3.) lazyness
i beging to question and reflect to the manner i presented myself to the twins way back after finishing my degree. all i could remember is me walking all over manila for hospitals that would accept me. even the hospitals in pampanga were not spared from my glitzy resume. but why are not they applying? i believe that i have been a good model for them. it is just that i found job after almost a year from passing the licensure exam. but you know how it is to be a nurse in this country.

the reason why i am able to blog like a mad man right now is that i am at home and the internet connection is pretty decent. then this twin comes at my door asking me to do a make over of his resume.

an opportunity to lash him out for his attitude was seen but i somehow "restrained" myself. however, i was still successful in telling him that it is because of nba that is why it is just now that he starts fixing his things.

well, some credit goes to my dad. he is at home by the way after two months from spreading some love in haiti.

i told my brother that he had all the time in the world to do it. so there, he left the room in utter shame (hope so) because i made him feel that way.

but i will do the make over tomorrow.

*photos taken here and here.

Resurrected

after 50 years, i am back.

let me blame the i.t. department for doing their job very well. i could not blog anymore. to add, my broadband is not living to its hyped prowess.

now, i am here. no posts for five days.

i welcome myself back to the blogosphere.

Attention

i feel like my attention span is getting shorter and shorter.

as of this moment, i should be reading some posts from people i have sought information for my ultimate goal. copy some photoshop lessons. finish some downloaded episodes of house and some movies. fix my budget for the remaining days of the month.

and i have done nothing.

even at work, my mind is drifting away. internet is not helping as well. to this, i feel like i am deteriorating.

so what will i do?

i am gonna finish this post and do the things listed here one by one. wish me luck.

High

current song: jingle bells
current smell: solignum (anti-termites)
current mood: high (on solvents)

medyo nagulat ako dahil friday na nga. parang kelan lang nung excited akong umuwi para makita si benj tapos ngayon, friday na ulit. malapit na siyang umuwi.

hindi ko rin naman kasi napapansin ang paggalaw ng mga araw dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang opisina namen. but this is good dahil sa mga susunod na araw, mag-aaral na ulit ako. this is one thing na bago at nakakapagpa-excite saken.

si boss, ray conniff ang trip. christmas na dito sa office pero okay lang kasi medyo sumasaya ang pakiramdam ko. well, this is my best effort to shake off my nerves habang nag-aabang sa laro ng dallas mavericks.

happy friday!

Addict

magdadalawang linggo na akong addict.

ang tinitira ko? pintura at rugby. pagpasok palang sa opisina, high na agad ako. sa magtatatlong linggo sa paggawa ng aming opisina, bangag ako sa amoy ng pintura.

hindi na nga ako makapag-isip nang matino sa amoy, dumadagdag pa ang pukpok ng martilyo at mga kantiyawan ng mga trabahador sa plywood na humihiwalay sa aming opisina at magiging extension nito.



now, bakit ginugutom pa rin ako sa trabaho? dapat busog na ako sa amoy...

Ang Misteryo ng Kanta

classic na ang kantang ito sa bar sa ibaba ng building namen. mapababae o lalake, sabay sabay silang bibirit lalo na pagdating sa linya ng chorus na pataas ng pataas.

sa tatlong buwan na nag-ooperate ang bar, mainstay ang kantang ito. napansin ko, pati sa mga singing contests e paborito itong kantahin. kahit nga mga batang paslit na never pang nakaranas na mainlove.

ano bang meron sa kantang ito? e napakalungkot naman niya. tapos nakakapatid pa ng ugat sa leeg sa pag-abot ng nota.

siguro, merong kakaibang sensation kapag naabot mo yung nota. masarap siguro sa pakiramdam. o kaya, masarap lang talagang kantahin ang mga kantang pang-sawi sa pag-ibig.

di bale, bukas, itatry ko din siya.

Win or Lose

for now, i will stop following my favorite teams. i just can't see them lose and be unaffected.

there's nadal. then real madrid. feu men and women's volleyball team. for a time, i have celebrated their joy and it has affected me tremendously. but losing? it is still hard after all to accept it.

i will now stop following the dallas mavericks to avoid the pain.

because winning is something but accepting defeat is everything.

Friends

today, i spent half of my day at the e. r. observing. timing every movement of the staff. writing notes and any activities that would affect turnaround time.

unconsciously, i was reminiscing the days i worked as a bedside nurse in the critical care unit. conversations and joking around with the doctors and the nurses made me feel that i was working with them. for the first time, i have fallen in love with the emergency room.

i used to hate it. actually, only the atmosphere of doing everything fast. it is the essence of having an emergency. never realized it could be this fun. and then, the promise to myself of not bringing the issue of transferring to the nursing division was just broken.

ms. donna told me i missed nursing. and she was perfectly right.

now the nursing division is on my watch now as the audit started. i feel a lump in my throat just thinking of presenting the results. i know i have to be impartial. but i have to make friends.

so, how shall i do it?

Directions

directions usually keep your focus towards the goal.

most often than not, they come from your boss. but what happens when there is no direction coming from them?

that is what i feel now. lost. no focus towards the goal of our division. what is harder is that you have to test first his temperament of the day.

this week, he is on his impatient mode. impatient and easily angered mode.

so which is better, patients or a boss?

Calderata at Kape

after blogspot went crazy, laziness came at the same moment causing me to miss on writing the details of my fun life. ok, my dramatic and shallow life.

so what happened? well, i excommunicated myself from the bishops of our house. i only communicated to jonah, our house help. i also imposed a 3-km restriction to our house by not going near our subdivision.

this meant not going home to have my clothes for washing and no cooked food for the remaining days that i have decided to keep away from home. i believe that by doing this, people back home may realize that i did not do anything wrong. my aim is to have them contemplate of their actions and to reach the point of being apologetic.

it was easy for me. knowing my history and my attitude. with this, i spent my weekend completing the enrollment process for my masters degree. i ironed my clothes. did some little laundry. slept decently. by lunchtime, i was traveling to pampanga. but, i did not go home. i was there because it was benjie's fiesta and he was on leave from singapore after almost a year of work!

nothing has changed between the two of us. i mean there was no strange feeling of not seeing each other. thanks to yahoo messenger and facebook. then, the voracious appetite just came alive and i was just too weak to resist its powers. besides, i was with my good old friends.

all i could remember last week was saturday. me being with benjie, ruffa, joan, cams, don, von and dennis. i was happy. i was not alone. i did not eat alone. i was with my friends.

Good or Bad

there was this episode of how i met your mother in season two called the lucky penny. it chronicled the events that lead to ted for missing his flight to chicago.

he was supposed to go there for an interview to what could have been his dream job. but, it did not happen. a string of events occurred and made him missed this chance that could either make or break his life.

in the end, he was happy. for if not for the penny, he would not be able to meet his wife had he moved to chicago.

things come in between our way. frankly, i am left wondering what the hell happened along the way. i mean what was i thinking during those times?

now call me stupid or whatever but for sure, there is always a reason for everything that has happened to me.

be it good or bad.

Problems Included

i think this will be an encouragement and a warning as well.

work is almost done but my supervisor talked personally to botcha girl.

then 30 minutes passed, they got back in the office.

we had a feeling that it was the announcement of what awaits her with the continued substandard quality of work she gives.

i could not be happy knowing that it is bad news for her.

well, i somehow resented the work i was getting with her assignment getting less and less.

but with her pay much more than what i was earning.

then it hit me. a parable in the Bible told me that to whom who has more, much will be given and to the one who has less, what is left of her shall be taken as well.

are problems included?

The Costs

well, my brother did it.

he was able to have the document authenticated and will be able to get it after four days. all at the expense of cursing, resentment, hatred and misunderstanding.

i will leave it that way and will let them be what they are.

Sunday

i could hope for better days. i could wake up wishing that all was just a dream. but it isn't. and i am miserable as of this moment.

you all know about my brothers' hesitance in furnishing the required documents. you can add here my hesitance also since i have no more leave credits from work. now, we have a formula for a tumultuous anger and temper situation in the house. however, you cannot just confine it in the house for it has reach manila, san juan city and qatar!

i wanted to make light of this situation pero reports from jonah kept me in a difficult situation to sleep. ang hirap when people around you puts pressure for the finances of the whole family. you see, i would have done the errand without batting an eyelash. but i have work and my record is not worthy of tagging me as a model employee due to my absences from taking exams and preparations for my failed dreams of going to libya.

pano kagrabe ang sitwasyon? my mom is going crazy cursing and verbalizing how unworthy is everyone around her. pero ako pa rin ang bida. ako ang maysala. ako ang culprit.

dahil sa hindi ko pag-aabsent, ako ang magiging dahilan ng pagkalugmok namin sa kahirapan. ako na nagtatrabaho at nagsisimulang buuin ang mga nasirang pangarap. nakakahiya naman kasi sa kambal na hindi alam ang gagawin at takot na humarap sa mga sitwasyong hindi napaghandaan.

kahapon, nagpunta sila ng dfa only to be rejected since the marriage contract of my parents were not readable enough for the people there. so they have to go to the municipal hall in pampanga to secure a copy at the local registry. everyone is unwilling to go there. my mom insists on presenting her copy at dfa today. but you see, that may be different and doing that will just waste time, money and effort. the rabid mouth of hers just won't stop and so, my brother would come here and try his luck with the document that my mom gave.

ang kapatid ko, nag-iinsist pa rin na tulungan ko ngayon. kung aabsent ako ngayon, tutunganga lang ako sa bahay habang hinihintay ang pagdating niya. magsasara ang dfa for authentication at 11 am. so wala rin mangyayari at masasayang lang ang pag-aabsent ko.

dalawang reports ang due bukas. yung isa, first time kong gagawin. isang hospital-wide at ngayon pa lang, hirap na ako to finish it.

finally, lumabas na rin ang tunay na saloobin ng aking ina. sabi ni jonah, sa akin lahat sinisisi. isinusumbat pa ang gastos sa pag-aaral. i never wanted to be borne in this world. sila at ang Diyos ang nagdesisyon. nung ipinanganak ako, kasama na rin ang mga responsibilidad sa araw na isinilang ako sa mundo.

sa sahod ko ngayon na kulang pa sa akin, alam ko na hindi ako nakakatulong sa pamilya. hindi ko kinakalimutan yun. hindi rin naman ako nagsasayang ng pera. at nasabi ko nga, i am rebuilding myself in a very slow pace. hindi ko na control to. but i am trying my best.

hindi ko gustong maging melodramatic sa post na ito. but i could not help it.

sa mga verbal abuse na natatanggap ko simula pagkabata, i try to brush them off. nasabihan ako ng kung anu anong mga katawagan. narinig ko na rin ang mga resentment sa pagkasilang ko sa mundo. pati ang pagiging walang kuwenta.

forgive me for i am always afraid to try new things out. forgive me for not being confident of myself. forgive me for failing to get out of my comfort zone. forgive me for being too safe in anything and in everything. forgive me for not opening myself to other people.

i guess, ang mga pang-aabuso sa akin ay tumatak na sa aking pagkatao. sa bawat pagtatangka na kumawala sa mga binubulong ng isip ko, i can hear my mom cursing at me. or resenting my existence in this world.

i just can't erase that.

hindi ko alam how these things will end. i cannot blame my dad not doing this task of fixing his papers prior to his departure. futile din na sabihan ang mga kapatid na itry. really, crying is just the best thing to do now.

but, hindi ko gagawin to. i will finish my work and try to smile. sabi nga ni bo sanchez, today is a friday for me. i will wait for my sunday to come.

Order

i am alive and i did not burn yesterday for greeting my mom a happy mothers' day. nadal lost to djokovic in three finals this year. dallas mavericks swept the defending champion (Lakers) with a score of 122-86. pacquiao won but falling down in the 6th or 9th round (not sure about the correct number).

so now, i am confused as to what is happening with the world.

but majority is all based on the internal events around me. i could use some order now.

Salamat

mothers' day bukas.

isa sa mga pinaka-awkward na event sa buhay ko. sunod ang fathers' day. you know my history with my mom. mga pangpelikulang eksena. mga emosyon na nagbabaga. mga paniniwala at kasabihan na pilit kong tinutuligsa.

madami.

pati nung panahon na sinabihan niya ako na sana hindi niya ako ipinanganak sa mundo. at nung sinabi niya na hindi ako magkakaroon ng kaibigan. mga pagbabawal sa pagbabakasyon at pagiging masaya. sa pagrerelax at pakikipagkaibigan.

i am what i am because of her. at sa sinabi ni benj na halos lahat ng theme ng aking mga posts ay nagmumula sa aking ina, tanggapin ko na lang daw siya.

so pagpasensiyahan ako. kung walang emosyonal na pagpupugay.

isang simpleng salamat lamang para sa aking nanay.

Bitch Face

i went home today in pursuit of escaping the heat of manila. pagdating ko, walang nagbago. mas mainit pa pala dito.

have you ever felt you wanted to shout to let it out your anger? yung tipong bigat ng nararamdaman mo? pero hindi mo magawa dahil sa parang useless e. o kaya yung tanggapin mo na lang yung mga sitwasyon pero nahihirapan ka dahil sa oras na ginawa mo 'to, you have lost the essence of being right?

ganito kasi yun, si daddy bago umalis papuntang haiti, malapit na niyang maclose ang isang trabaho sa new caledonia. knowing that, may mga papeles siyang kailangang ipa-authenticate sa dfa. ang catch is, hindi niya ginawa hanggang makaalis na siya papuntang haiti. nag-iwan na lang siya ng authorization letters.

so pagdating ko sa bahay ngayon, kinukulit ako na dapat ayusin ang mga papeles na yon. e last week, sinabi ko na hindi ko magagawa yun dahil ubos na ang aking leave credits sa trabaho dahil last month, nagleave ako para sa graduation ng isang kambal. akala ko malinaw na yon hanggang sa nung martes, iniwan ng isang kambal ang mga papeles sa manila.

pinepressure ako ngayon. na baka hindi matuloy sa trabaho si daddy dahil sa mga papeles na hindi niya inayos. wala ng pasok ang kambal kaya't andito sila sa pampanga. in short, bakasyon.

hindi ba pwede na sila ang gumawa? kahit hindi nila alam, pwede naman silang magtanong a! wala naman silang ginagawa dito bakit kailangan ako ang gumawa? kung sila na ang nag-ayos e di sana next week ike-claim nalang.

ayaw kong magkumpara ng sarili ko sa kanila. pero hindi ko maiwasan e. walang narinig ang mga tao dito sa bahay sa pagpapatulong mag-ayos ng papel nung ako ay umalis for egypt. i did it on my own. pera lang ang hiningi ko. hindi ba nila pwedeng gawin yon? and who knows kaya sila ginawang kambal para magtulungan diba?

tapos makakarinig lang ako ng kuwento dito sa bahay kung pano tumanggi ang isang kambal na ipagdrive ang mother sa sm kahit may order ng 12 kilos ng mangga. ang hula ko, dahil sa may nba play off kaya't ayaw umalis. pwede rin dahil sa puyat siya. papano e natutulog na lang daw ng madaling araw dahil sa kakainternet.

which makes me think na kung hindi sila inispoil at hindi binaby na dapat tumayo sila sa sariling paa, hindi sana mangyayari ito. ang bunso nga e parang walang balak maghanap ng trabaho. ang dami ko nang sinuggest na pwedeng applyan pero ni isa ay hindi sineryoso ang mga sinabi ko.

ayoko na. ayaw ko ng magpalaki ng kapatid. so sige. ako na na naman ang mali dito. bahala na kung ano ang maging tingin ng boss ko sa 'ken sa kaka-absent ko.

lagi na lang ako ang parang may kasalanan.



it must be my bitch face. now keep your calm charltoninho.

*photo taken here.

That's It

yesterday, isang supervisor ng boss namin ang pumunta sa office. ang sadya? magpapatransfer sa ancillary unit ang isang staff niya. mula sa isang department, magpapalipat na naman siya after ng ilang buwan.

nagalit ang boss namin. wala raw siyang security sa kanyang trabaho at kung inilipat sa ancillary ay magpalipat na naman ng ibang area. in addition, kakaregular lang niya nung february.

i guess, isa itong parinig at warning sa hindi ko matahimik na kaluluwa. a reminder na kailangan ko munang magserve to where i am right now. this i what i needed to hear siguro after all those yearnings to be somewhere else. even considering going back to egypt.

so two years. that's it. after all, ito ang usapan namin ni ate before i started my application for my master's degree.

Cool

am i a bad person for not posing my mom's picture on facebook?

alam niyo kung papano ang aming love-hate relationship but i refuse to be defined by the standards of facebook.

may nabasa nga ako na it is cool for him to be not cool. so there. i am cool with that. but not here in my room. ang ineeeetttt!

10:00 pm na pero ayaw ko pang matulog dahil pag nahiga ako, manlalagkit lang ako. ano na kaya ang latest temperature? 38 degrees Celsius? lagnat na ito!



will this help kaya?

*photo taken here.

Pay Back

i guess by this time, i have to accept the fact that i will never be a part of their group again.

i am talking of the people i worked with in egypt. it is just fair that these things happened to me. me being left behind with their trip to enchanted kingdom. or their adventure at kirsten recruitment.

as annoying as mark's on and off responses in yahoo messenger, i remembered shutting myself out of the system. their system. their circle of friends. i had to do it while trying to prove them that i made the right decision in going home instead of finishing the two-year contract.

now that they are processing their papers for egypt (the second time), mark was asking me if i wanted to join them. in a polite manner, i answered him no. yes to the part of working again at the bedside but no for the fact that i will never have the registration details i need in order to apply for other countries.

indeed, karma is a bitch. biting my sensitive emotions for being left out. then it hit me. it was exactly what i did to him when i left him be devoured by the nurses in critical care unit.

Long Day

nung sabado, pinilit kong umuwi nang maaga para makatulong sa mga preparasyon para sa thanksgiving ng kambal. graduate na kasi silang pareho.

at sa pagka-obsessive compulsive ng aking mama, naghanda siya ng lagpas sampung putaha para sa okasyon. para sa isang simpleng okasyon daw. nagkibit balikat lang ako habang ang hinahanda ang roast beef at ang honeyed chicken. nung chinachop na ang lechon, ngumiti na lang ako. habang inihahalo ang sauce ng fish fille, yumuko ako. at nung inilalagay na sa serving plate ang seafood creole, pumikit na lang ako.

dahil alam ko na that day will be a long day for me. mali, for us pala.

okay lang naman ang madaming tao. o ang mga matatakaw. pero please, wag naman kayong magharvest ng mga pinagpaguran nina mama at jonah! nabusog na nga kayo pero wag naman kayong mamitas ng mga bubot pang mangga at mga gagawing binhi ng talong! geez! patay gutom much?

ang problema sa mga tao, masyadong feeling privileged na lahat entitled sa kung ano ang madatnan sa bahay namin. ang mga ilang kamag-anak, inuutusan pa si jonah! pinapasuweldo niyo? for effing sake, kung kami ang bisita niyo, hindi niyo nga kami mabigyan ng malinis na kutsara at tinidor!

so ayun. bukod pa yan sa mga patagong nagbabalot ng pagkain. really, ganito na ata kahirap ang pilipinas. these people do not serve us decent food kapag may gatherings (father side ha). tapos they act like this?

anyway, my mom was thrilled to know naman ata na everybody liked the food. subukan lang nilang magreklamo. last na paghahanda naman to for this year.

Jepang

9 years.

ganito na katagal nung huli kong makita si jepang. tama. jepang ang pangalan niya. mula sa kahibangan ng mga kaklase ko sa spelling words nung high school. tuwing lunes, inaabangan namin ang mga spelling words na gaya ng memoir, chauffeur at kung anu ano pa.

hindi rin ako nakaligtas sa mga kakaibang pangalan dahil mula noon, ako na si chatuang. bukod pa yan sa mga ibang pangalan para sa mga lalake. ako nga din pala si dimples romana at karylle.

si jepang ay si assunta de sorri din.

naging kaklase ko siya nung fourth year lang. nung third year siya, nasa pangatlong section siya habang kami ay nasa una. kung papanong lumundag siya mula sa pangatlo papunta sa pilot section, ang kasipagan at katalinuhan lang niya ang makakapagpaliwanag. simple lang siya. hindi flashy. or flamboyant. kasama ng mga ilang lalake sa klase.

ang pagtatagpo namin ay nagsimula sa pagnanais na uminom. tama, sa pagnanais na magpakalasing. at bilang isang trying hard na kumawala sa imaheng napakadalisay, ginapang ko ang pagkakataon. tutal, magkikita kami nina jepang at harold aka judy ann santos matapos ang 9 years na hindi pagkikita mula pagkagraduate sa high school.

naging mahaba ang kuwentuhan. mula sa kabaliwan sa high school. sa mga impresyon sa isa't isa na hanggang ngayon e totoo pa rin mula sa pagkabigla sa aking pagkahilig sa alak. sa mga buhay sa trabaho. sa mga investment. sa pag-ibig.

natutuwa ako para sa kanya. ang lahat ng paghihirap niya ay nagbunga. habang nagkukuwento siya ng kanyang karanasan kung pano napunta sa trabaho niya ngayon, kapalaran ang nasa isip ko.

isang bagay na hindi ko makita sa mga desisyon ko sa buhay. o baka dahil parte ito ng kapalaran ko.

kung anu pa man, ang alak ay labis na nagpadama sa akin ng isang mabuting bagay. lahat ay gaya pa rin ng dati. may dumagdag lamang. mga responsibilidad. mga problema. pero ang pagkakaibigan na hinulma ng panahon, kailanman ay hindi magbabago.

kahit ang pangalan na jepang. o chatuang.