Sunday

i could hope for better days. i could wake up wishing that all was just a dream. but it isn't. and i am miserable as of this moment.

you all know about my brothers' hesitance in furnishing the required documents. you can add here my hesitance also since i have no more leave credits from work. now, we have a formula for a tumultuous anger and temper situation in the house. however, you cannot just confine it in the house for it has reach manila, san juan city and qatar!

i wanted to make light of this situation pero reports from jonah kept me in a difficult situation to sleep. ang hirap when people around you puts pressure for the finances of the whole family. you see, i would have done the errand without batting an eyelash. but i have work and my record is not worthy of tagging me as a model employee due to my absences from taking exams and preparations for my failed dreams of going to libya.

pano kagrabe ang sitwasyon? my mom is going crazy cursing and verbalizing how unworthy is everyone around her. pero ako pa rin ang bida. ako ang maysala. ako ang culprit.

dahil sa hindi ko pag-aabsent, ako ang magiging dahilan ng pagkalugmok namin sa kahirapan. ako na nagtatrabaho at nagsisimulang buuin ang mga nasirang pangarap. nakakahiya naman kasi sa kambal na hindi alam ang gagawin at takot na humarap sa mga sitwasyong hindi napaghandaan.

kahapon, nagpunta sila ng dfa only to be rejected since the marriage contract of my parents were not readable enough for the people there. so they have to go to the municipal hall in pampanga to secure a copy at the local registry. everyone is unwilling to go there. my mom insists on presenting her copy at dfa today. but you see, that may be different and doing that will just waste time, money and effort. the rabid mouth of hers just won't stop and so, my brother would come here and try his luck with the document that my mom gave.

ang kapatid ko, nag-iinsist pa rin na tulungan ko ngayon. kung aabsent ako ngayon, tutunganga lang ako sa bahay habang hinihintay ang pagdating niya. magsasara ang dfa for authentication at 11 am. so wala rin mangyayari at masasayang lang ang pag-aabsent ko.

dalawang reports ang due bukas. yung isa, first time kong gagawin. isang hospital-wide at ngayon pa lang, hirap na ako to finish it.

finally, lumabas na rin ang tunay na saloobin ng aking ina. sabi ni jonah, sa akin lahat sinisisi. isinusumbat pa ang gastos sa pag-aaral. i never wanted to be borne in this world. sila at ang Diyos ang nagdesisyon. nung ipinanganak ako, kasama na rin ang mga responsibilidad sa araw na isinilang ako sa mundo.

sa sahod ko ngayon na kulang pa sa akin, alam ko na hindi ako nakakatulong sa pamilya. hindi ko kinakalimutan yun. hindi rin naman ako nagsasayang ng pera. at nasabi ko nga, i am rebuilding myself in a very slow pace. hindi ko na control to. but i am trying my best.

hindi ko gustong maging melodramatic sa post na ito. but i could not help it.

sa mga verbal abuse na natatanggap ko simula pagkabata, i try to brush them off. nasabihan ako ng kung anu anong mga katawagan. narinig ko na rin ang mga resentment sa pagkasilang ko sa mundo. pati ang pagiging walang kuwenta.

forgive me for i am always afraid to try new things out. forgive me for not being confident of myself. forgive me for failing to get out of my comfort zone. forgive me for being too safe in anything and in everything. forgive me for not opening myself to other people.

i guess, ang mga pang-aabuso sa akin ay tumatak na sa aking pagkatao. sa bawat pagtatangka na kumawala sa mga binubulong ng isip ko, i can hear my mom cursing at me. or resenting my existence in this world.

i just can't erase that.

hindi ko alam how these things will end. i cannot blame my dad not doing this task of fixing his papers prior to his departure. futile din na sabihan ang mga kapatid na itry. really, crying is just the best thing to do now.

but, hindi ko gagawin to. i will finish my work and try to smile. sabi nga ni bo sanchez, today is a friday for me. i will wait for my sunday to come.