naalala ko yung sinabi ni benj, "masama naman ang magtanim ng galit. baka mangyari din saken yan." natakot din naman ako. siguro dahil sa mapait na katotohanan na dulot ng karma o kaya dahil din sa sitwasyon na ang isang bagay na nakalipas ay hindi pa rin nababaon sa baul ng panahon.
sariwa pa rin sakin ang bawat eksena sa pangyayaring iyon. linggo at katatapos lang ng misa. naisip ko, napaka-ironic ng pangyayaring ito. sa aming walong magpipinsan, ako lang ang matanda ang nandun. ang iba ay nasa murang edad pa at wala pang maiintidihan sa mga nangyayari. may sigawan. may iyakan din. ang lahat ay nag-ugat sa hindi pagkakaunawaan ng aking mga tiya at tiyo. ang tiyo, na nagpakasal at nakatira sa bahay ni lola. si tiyo, na walang trabaho, hindi tumutulong sa gawaing-bahay at lahat ay umaasa kay lola na kung saan, si lola ay nakadepende naman sa isang tiya na nasa abroad.
simple lang naman ang gusto ng isang tiyahin ko. ang tumulong siya sa mga gastusin at gawaing bahay na walang halong pag-asta bilang senyorito. marami akong narinig noon na sana, ay hindi ko na lamang narinig. na si tito ay tamad habang ang isang tita ay nasa ibang bansa at nagpapaka-alila. si tito na minsan ay nagsusugal pa at hindi kinakitaan ngpagpupursige na maghanap buhay. bilang panganay, ninais ng aking ina na pumagitna at kung maari ay maayos ang lahat. subalit, hindi ganoon ang nangyari.
habang tinitignan ang ibang mga pinsan, patuloy ang pagtangis ng isang tiya at ang mga pigil na sigaw nila. kasama si lola. nagulat nalang ako at ako ay tinatawag ng aking ama upang awatin si lola. awatin at pigilan si lola sa pagnanais na wakasan na ang buhay sa pamamagitan ng paglaslas ng pulso gamit ang kutsilyo. makalipas ang ilang minuto, nanahimik ang lahat sa tulong na rin ng kapatid ni lola ngunit sa akin, hindi na kailanman matatahimik ang aking alaala at kalooban.
sa karamihan sa kanila, mukhan limot na ito. lalu na at tumira na sila sa bukidnon, ang mag-anak ng aking tito. ngunit paminsan-minsan ay bumibisita sila dito. mahirap intindihin para sa akin kung bakit nagagawang gastusan ni mama si tito at ang kanyang pamilya. sobra kung mag-alala. kung anu-anong mga pagkain at damit ang ipinapadala kung nasa bukidnon ang mag-anak. kapag nandito naman sa pampanga, daig pa ang royal family ng inglatera ang pagturing sa kanila. siguro o.a. ako pero ganito talaga ang tingin ko. hindi naman sa nagdadamot ako pero hindi ba at may sinabi din siyang masasakit na salita kay mama? inis ako. inis ako dahil para sa akin, kinukinsinti rin niya ang pagiging tamad ng tito ko. inis ako dahil hindi nila alam ang aking nararamdaman. inis ako kung bakit "spoiled" ang isang may-edad ng tao.
noong mga nakaraang buwan, umuwi ang aking tito dito sa pampanga para tumulong sa pagpapagawa ng bahay nina lola at nasabi noon na pagsapit ng abril, susunod ang kanyang mag-anak. ikaw, kung responsable ka, maghahanap ka ng matutuluyan ng iyong mag-anak bago sila dumating. ito ngayon ang aking ikinabuburyong. dumating sila ngayon na ang lahat ay walang naihanda. bukod dito, parang ang aking magulang lang ang nag-abala sa kanilang pagdating. ang akala kong pagtuloy nila sa isang kuwarto ng kapatid ni lola ay nauwi sa pagtuloy sa kuwarto ni ate. ngayon, ayaw ko ng magulo at maingay pero hindi specific na ayaw ko rin sa bata. subalit, labis lang na makukulit at malilikot ang aking mga pinsan. sabihin mo na parang hindi ako naging bata pero sa aking alaala, puro pagpigil at pagsaway ni mama ang aking natatandaan.
gusto ko rin naman ang magkaanak pero sa tingin ko hindi pa ako handa. sa trabaho naman, ayaw ko ding magkaroon ng batang pasyente. bukod sa hindi sila mapakiusapan, ayaw ko ng nanghuhula sa kung ano ang gusto nila. alam kong pangit tignan at tawagin mo na akong masungit. pero hindi talaga ako lumabas ng aking kuwarto para sila ay kamustahin sa kanilang biyahe. ilang beses ko ng ninais na huwag maging ganito sa kanila pero nahihirapan pa rin ako. tingin ko kasi, parang pinagtataksilan ko ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagplastikan sa kanila. partikular na sa aking tiyahin at mga pinsan.
si mama kapag nagpadala sa kanila, mariringgan mo siya ng, "naku tignan mo itong tito niyo, kung hindi mo pa tatanungin kung natanggap na ang padala hindi pa magsasabi. ni hindi man marunong magpasalamat." exactly my point mother! bakit ba parang nagiging bulag kayo? bakit ba tinotolerate niyo ang ganitong ugali? ni ang mga utang niya hindi mo magawang singilin pero pag kami, partikular na si ate, kung makasingil ka, daig mo pa ang nagkautang sayo ng milyon. kung sa tutuusin, tungkulin niyo iyon bilang magulang na protektahan ang kalusugan ni ate sa pamamagitan ng pagbili ng bakuna laban sa cervical cancer.
kainis! inakala ko kasi na makakaalis na ako bago sila dumating dito pero sa tingin ko, may dahilan ang lahat. sa ngayon, ayaw ko munang alamin ang dahilan na ito. sa makahulugang tingin ng aking "mahal" na ina, alam ko na ang gusto niyang sabihin. buti na lang at dinirecho ko ang aking kapatid kung may sinabi nga siya. true enough, sinabihan niya ako na kahit nagmano man lang daw ako. bakit nga ba hindi ako lumabas sa aking kuwarto?
ewan. naiinis na rin kasi ako. sa totoo lang, mahirap magpakaplastic na wala akong resentment sa aking mga magulang. na wala akong tampo. na wala akong mga hinaing sa kanilang ginawang desison sa buhay nila at buhay namin. siguro kung sa pangkalahatan, masasabi mong maayos dahil may magandang tirahan kami, magandang edukasyon at pagkain. pero, may mga bagay lang na sadyang hindi kumpleto sa isang tao.
kung bakit hindi naisipan ni dad na magmigrate agad noon pa, kung bakit ang daming restrictions sa aking paglaki na gawa lahat ng mom ko. madami. isa na rin ang pang-iispoil sa mga kambal. napansin ko, uso pala talaga ito. mula sa tito ko hanggang sa kambal.
pigilan ko mang lumabas ang mga ito, mukhang paplastikin ko lang ang sarili ko. sa ngayon, iisipin ko muna ang mga sasabihin ko bukas ng umaga kapag lumabas na ako ng aking kuwarto.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Blessing in Disguise
so i guess i should say thank you to that volcano in iceland.
probably not as it would have to be at the expense of other colleagues. i am talking about their delay here because as it turns out, the batch did not leave today. cassie even supported it by saying that all flights of nurses will be on may due to the hassles brought about by mother nature.
was it hassle then? yeah, probably for most people and for me, i could say it is a bit of advantage hoping that the result will come out any time soon.
again, i say patience.
probably not as it would have to be at the expense of other colleagues. i am talking about their delay here because as it turns out, the batch did not leave today. cassie even supported it by saying that all flights of nurses will be on may due to the hassles brought about by mother nature.
was it hassle then? yeah, probably for most people and for me, i could say it is a bit of advantage hoping that the result will come out any time soon.
again, i say patience.
Rain on Me
Oh life can be strange
Good and bad in so many ways
And in time you will find
That things are not always what they seem
-If The Rain Must Fall, James Morrison
for the longest time, last night was one of the best. sleeping was not difficult and tiresome.
and finally, it rained! could it be the start of something good in my life as well?
*image taken from here.
Good and bad in so many ways
And in time you will find
That things are not always what they seem
-If The Rain Must Fall, James Morrison
for the longest time, last night was one of the best. sleeping was not difficult and tiresome.
and finally, it rained! could it be the start of something good in my life as well?
*image taken from here.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I Will Take My Bite Soon
until when can i hold on to my conviction to stay patient and hopeful of a brighter tomorrow? nobody knows but one thing is for sure, all will come to pass. yes, even this seemingly eternal waiting and waiting.
for that, i shall hope that it will be sooner. i might run out of gas to fuel my race to winning this waiting game and God forbid that i backslide and be angry again for being too ignorant of the plans laid out for me.
image from here.
even nadal had to wait for that moment when his knees are well enough to run like a rabbit as marat safin described him before. it took several months to finally get his groove back and win his title in the last eleven months. he had to lose his number one world ranking and be ridiculed by a lot of people for playing like that. i mean, can you blame a person for giving always his best in every fight that he chooses to battle? how can people be cruel for criticizing him and mocking him with his injuries since he deserved it?
deep in my brain, i have people whispering with questions of why am i still in the house. there are also imaginary colleagues from egypt taunting my decision to leave early and be brave enough to face the other side of the world. criticizing me also for having to take this road towards realizing my dreams. it has been seven months now since i came home and until now, the realm of nursing seems to be far away. my friends, who are real by the way, always remind me to stop rushing and enjoy the moment. i hate to hassle you over and over again with the dilemma of having to be at the moment but i suck at this.
foolish it may be for packing my things but i have always hated having no time to prepare or being caught without plans. my life revolves around order, system and plans. so forgive me. but hey, nadal did not just stay home to get well. he had some work to do by remaining fit and relevant with tennis. he listened to his body. he had to consider the things that are really the most important. to his detractors he did not give a damn. so now, i am considering the things that are really the most important and i will not give a shit for people who are more impatient of my departure than my parents.
day by day, i struggle to listen to what is important for me and it turns out, it is i whom i have to battle out in my fight for being strong to hold on. in the same way, it was the knees of nadal whom he had to battle for his fight for fitness and consequently, for tennis supremacy. with those knees, now he is able to fight back and enter the third round of the rome masters by beating kohlschreiber. with the perception that i am also responsible for hanging on and being relevant with regards to my career, i know i can do what nadal is doing now: winning and biting trophies.
soon charl, you can bite your own trophy.
for that, i shall hope that it will be sooner. i might run out of gas to fuel my race to winning this waiting game and God forbid that i backslide and be angry again for being too ignorant of the plans laid out for me.
image from here.
even nadal had to wait for that moment when his knees are well enough to run like a rabbit as marat safin described him before. it took several months to finally get his groove back and win his title in the last eleven months. he had to lose his number one world ranking and be ridiculed by a lot of people for playing like that. i mean, can you blame a person for giving always his best in every fight that he chooses to battle? how can people be cruel for criticizing him and mocking him with his injuries since he deserved it?
deep in my brain, i have people whispering with questions of why am i still in the house. there are also imaginary colleagues from egypt taunting my decision to leave early and be brave enough to face the other side of the world. criticizing me also for having to take this road towards realizing my dreams. it has been seven months now since i came home and until now, the realm of nursing seems to be far away. my friends, who are real by the way, always remind me to stop rushing and enjoy the moment. i hate to hassle you over and over again with the dilemma of having to be at the moment but i suck at this.
foolish it may be for packing my things but i have always hated having no time to prepare or being caught without plans. my life revolves around order, system and plans. so forgive me. but hey, nadal did not just stay home to get well. he had some work to do by remaining fit and relevant with tennis. he listened to his body. he had to consider the things that are really the most important. to his detractors he did not give a damn. so now, i am considering the things that are really the most important and i will not give a shit for people who are more impatient of my departure than my parents.
day by day, i struggle to listen to what is important for me and it turns out, it is i whom i have to battle out in my fight for being strong to hold on. in the same way, it was the knees of nadal whom he had to battle for his fight for fitness and consequently, for tennis supremacy. with those knees, now he is able to fight back and enter the third round of the rome masters by beating kohlschreiber. with the perception that i am also responsible for hanging on and being relevant with regards to my career, i know i can do what nadal is doing now: winning and biting trophies.
soon charl, you can bite your own trophy.
Twenty-Nine
i think i am coping well.
this week has the 29th of the month. it would seem normal for everyone else but not for me. it should be the date i am supposed to leave the country and set my foot to a place where the coolness of the wind can kiss my face. a place where i will not need to put so much powder on my body to be fresh always or worry about sweating too much.
actually, i am not sure if the group will do leave on the 29th as i have yet to ask from another colleague. but then, i chose to be a little bit sad just so i can motivate myself to focus on other things.
well, the thought has been frequenting less my always idle mind and looking now, it can only get better. armed with activities that are far from just time-wasters, a delay will not do much to me. finding a website with free ebooks, i could only read much. i just finished the way of the bow by paulo coelho and still to be read are wuthering heights (emily bronte), across unknown south america (a. henry savage-landor), the brothers karamazov (fyodor mikhailovich dostoevsky), great expectations (charles dickens) and beyond good and evil by nietzche. broke ever since, now i can splurge on books.
not to be left behind are my books on nursing. i hope i can finish a great handbook for critical nursing i bought last week and start answering 10 nclex questions per day. it is just plain sad that i have not yet found my rhythm towards continuing my spanish lessons. maybe another title for rafa at the rome masters? well, just a thought but i hope to get my groove back on track soon.
with a lot of torrents, i am starting to accumulate a lot of mp3s since my laptop had to be reformatted two weeks ago. the beatles, bob marley, lauryn hill, james morrison, john mayer, u2, red hot chilli peppers and the glee cast are all my friends now. they keep me company while i try to think of other worthy things.
my mind has wandered to a lot of places of which, i wished it never did. i always come home to myself desolate and longing for that another chance to work. yet, friends have always reminded me to let nature run its course and savor each moment. bombarded with such issues that has prevented me from trying to be at least happy in these moments that i will soon miss, it is always a challenge to accomplish it.
i do not want to regret later in my life of the things that i have failed to enjoy or of the things that i have taken for granted. life is a bitch and that you will get slapped by the very mundane as you perceived them realizing later that you stood up on what seemed to be worthy of the moment but was not.
this week has the 29th of the month. it would seem normal for everyone else but not for me. it should be the date i am supposed to leave the country and set my foot to a place where the coolness of the wind can kiss my face. a place where i will not need to put so much powder on my body to be fresh always or worry about sweating too much.
actually, i am not sure if the group will do leave on the 29th as i have yet to ask from another colleague. but then, i chose to be a little bit sad just so i can motivate myself to focus on other things.
well, the thought has been frequenting less my always idle mind and looking now, it can only get better. armed with activities that are far from just time-wasters, a delay will not do much to me. finding a website with free ebooks, i could only read much. i just finished the way of the bow by paulo coelho and still to be read are wuthering heights (emily bronte), across unknown south america (a. henry savage-landor), the brothers karamazov (fyodor mikhailovich dostoevsky), great expectations (charles dickens) and beyond good and evil by nietzche. broke ever since, now i can splurge on books.
not to be left behind are my books on nursing. i hope i can finish a great handbook for critical nursing i bought last week and start answering 10 nclex questions per day. it is just plain sad that i have not yet found my rhythm towards continuing my spanish lessons. maybe another title for rafa at the rome masters? well, just a thought but i hope to get my groove back on track soon.
with a lot of torrents, i am starting to accumulate a lot of mp3s since my laptop had to be reformatted two weeks ago. the beatles, bob marley, lauryn hill, james morrison, john mayer, u2, red hot chilli peppers and the glee cast are all my friends now. they keep me company while i try to think of other worthy things.
my mind has wandered to a lot of places of which, i wished it never did. i always come home to myself desolate and longing for that another chance to work. yet, friends have always reminded me to let nature run its course and savor each moment. bombarded with such issues that has prevented me from trying to be at least happy in these moments that i will soon miss, it is always a challenge to accomplish it.
i do not want to regret later in my life of the things that i have failed to enjoy or of the things that i have taken for granted. life is a bitch and that you will get slapped by the very mundane as you perceived them realizing later that you stood up on what seemed to be worthy of the moment but was not.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Praying Hypocrite
my sunday church service was nothing but weird.
mom decided not to go to the church where we usually go since it was difficult for her to face relatives who are just fucking annoying. finally!
i was always not in good terms with hypocrites. and yes, people from the church included. in fact, the church i believe houses the most number of hypocrites since the time of Jesus. for that, attending another church was just a good idea.
in my mom's side, there are two pastors. the compound where my lola and her siblings live is just a fence away from the church so there is no escape for you to attend. the brother of my lola is newly-ordained pastor and so we decided to go to his church where he ministers.
his was different. from the size, the structure and the socio-demographic of the people who goes to the church, nothing was similar to the one that i am used to. there were like 20 people excluding us. mostly, they were children who were very noisy.
i sensed his frustration over members of his congregation. worshiping and serving God in words and in deeds cannot be seen with those who goes to beach resorts on a sunday. definitely, i could not stand that. dealing with difficult people and much more, inspire change in their lives through God.
but i liked it anyway. more sincere and ended quickly.
my career is also a calling. but my lolo's? i don't know; maybe it is a crazy calling.
*photo from here.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Search for Connection
it seems to me that in the past few months, i have been extending help for other people. of course, my nursing duties are there but to become like a mini-factory of resumes is another.
in the past, i have helped benj with his resume. the resume that he used for ayala land was the one that i made. after one week, he was signing the contract. i have a cousin who recently went through a very nasty break-up and wanted change. included is the change of workplace and there i was, working on her resume. the thing is, having kids makes her a little bit cautious of going abroad and to this, she is still deciding whether to continue or not.
sister has been yearning for change as well. after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend and finally having the courage to leave home to work somewhere else, she had to start anew. and among these changes to be done is her resume. thus, me and her newly-improved resume. after clicking and clicking of job application buttons, she will leave tomorrow and start her training by tuesday.
i guess the resumes i created are effective don't you think? i hope so. being an agent of change is rewarding. i would love to become a part of something new and something wonderful. in this light, i was looking again for connections and interconnections. i thought it was human nature to always search for meaning and for that, me being delayed in my flight meant helping other people.
it would be better then if i stop whining about being left behind and being delayed right? cause you see, i am able to help other people. in reality my friends, it is not an easy feat to accept this truth but in the very least, i should be happy.
in the past, i have helped benj with his resume. the resume that he used for ayala land was the one that i made. after one week, he was signing the contract. i have a cousin who recently went through a very nasty break-up and wanted change. included is the change of workplace and there i was, working on her resume. the thing is, having kids makes her a little bit cautious of going abroad and to this, she is still deciding whether to continue or not.
sister has been yearning for change as well. after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend and finally having the courage to leave home to work somewhere else, she had to start anew. and among these changes to be done is her resume. thus, me and her newly-improved resume. after clicking and clicking of job application buttons, she will leave tomorrow and start her training by tuesday.
i guess the resumes i created are effective don't you think? i hope so. being an agent of change is rewarding. i would love to become a part of something new and something wonderful. in this light, i was looking again for connections and interconnections. i thought it was human nature to always search for meaning and for that, me being delayed in my flight meant helping other people.
it would be better then if i stop whining about being left behind and being delayed right? cause you see, i am able to help other people. in reality my friends, it is not an easy feat to accept this truth but in the very least, i should be happy.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Excited Much
all my bags are packed and im ready to go...
but problem is, i don't know when im going because until now, the waiting is not yet over. i still have to wait for that decision so you might ask me, why?
the next batch is set to leave on the 29th and that is exactly five days from now. will i be included with that batch? maybe yes and maybe not.
i wish i will be; so here i am, preparing should the heavens be merciful on my desperate plea to leave this hot place. there will be few things left for me to take care of when the date is finally confirmed. if given the chance, id like to have the pdos on monday but hey, my agency will still have to give me the go signal.
as i have started to believe in the power of attraction, i set my efforts towards that one goal so do not blame me for being excited.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Stye and Jason Mraz
i have stye and i hate it. it hurts a bit and i feel the heaviness that comes with it. forget about the beliefs of people cause i am not. not being defensive, i just want you to know that is caused by an infection and stress may put people susceptible to it.
so there, i am stressed about anything and everything that goes around in my life. that job, my mom's mouth, sister's search for a new job that made me accompany her to the companies she applied for and the ultimate desire to love myself more. all of these are enough to cause a stye.
the heaviness that accompanies it, i close my eyes more. i rest a lot more than the usual. each time that i remember, i apply some warm compress to alleviate the discomfort and for that each moment i get to do it, i think a lot.
my siestas have never been good. after i wake up a little sweaty from the heat, i feel that it has been a good sleep. basically, i do nothing but i feel that i have been tired for so long so i am taking a break from being a try-hard as one of my favorite artists coined it. i guess, i need to let things take its own course.
that will include the stye from healing by its own.
so there, i am stressed about anything and everything that goes around in my life. that job, my mom's mouth, sister's search for a new job that made me accompany her to the companies she applied for and the ultimate desire to love myself more. all of these are enough to cause a stye.
the heaviness that accompanies it, i close my eyes more. i rest a lot more than the usual. each time that i remember, i apply some warm compress to alleviate the discomfort and for that each moment i get to do it, i think a lot.
my siestas have never been good. after i wake up a little sweaty from the heat, i feel that it has been a good sleep. basically, i do nothing but i feel that i have been tired for so long so i am taking a break from being a try-hard as one of my favorite artists coined it. i guess, i need to let things take its own course.
that will include the stye from healing by its own.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Avril Lavigne
when nothing works for you, it cripples you. you are bound to think that it will always be the same...
the thought came flashing through my mind as yet again, my sister had to "share" the things my mom did that can normally upset everybody in the house. after all, she ain't selfish with these stuff. mom in the last minute, decided not to join my lola at the wedding of her cousin. days before, the plan was already set. it was supposed to be a wonderful time since she will be seeing her cousins from the only alive sibling of my lolo.
but, she bailed out. it maybe really hot but that is not new. the thing is, my aunts and lola were just puzzled why she did not go when she can to her friend's parties anytime of the day. so then, my sister had to remind her that and mom told her that painful memories just keep coming back if she goes to the party. of her scrubbing casseroles helping lola in the house of their cousins.
the cousins were really well-to-do and apparently, it did not go well for the family of my lolo. in the course of these events, i am thinking if it will be the same fate for us. this generation of ours needs to get going. time and time, i tell myself that my moment will come but all seem to be in a nagging deadlock.
a pause, a delay and another setback. questions and questions continue to build up as expectations continue to increase steadily. prayers and prayers are always uttered until what? each day is another moment to hope for something better but as the repetition goes on and on, i wonder where i am headed to.
indeed, change is gonna come but the wisdom to know when is not with the palms of my hand. the papers are all in and that one final decision is what i am yearning to have. eight days to go and another batch is set to go. will i be able to join them? i really do not know but there are things that i would like to do as of this time. packing things would be one. saving audio files and videos on my laptop would be another. it is just a plain torture for me to do these things but i have to give it a try to attract positive forces.
so until that day arrives, i guess i have to keep holding on.
the thought came flashing through my mind as yet again, my sister had to "share" the things my mom did that can normally upset everybody in the house. after all, she ain't selfish with these stuff. mom in the last minute, decided not to join my lola at the wedding of her cousin. days before, the plan was already set. it was supposed to be a wonderful time since she will be seeing her cousins from the only alive sibling of my lolo.
but, she bailed out. it maybe really hot but that is not new. the thing is, my aunts and lola were just puzzled why she did not go when she can to her friend's parties anytime of the day. so then, my sister had to remind her that and mom told her that painful memories just keep coming back if she goes to the party. of her scrubbing casseroles helping lola in the house of their cousins.
the cousins were really well-to-do and apparently, it did not go well for the family of my lolo. in the course of these events, i am thinking if it will be the same fate for us. this generation of ours needs to get going. time and time, i tell myself that my moment will come but all seem to be in a nagging deadlock.
a pause, a delay and another setback. questions and questions continue to build up as expectations continue to increase steadily. prayers and prayers are always uttered until what? each day is another moment to hope for something better but as the repetition goes on and on, i wonder where i am headed to.
indeed, change is gonna come but the wisdom to know when is not with the palms of my hand. the papers are all in and that one final decision is what i am yearning to have. eight days to go and another batch is set to go. will i be able to join them? i really do not know but there are things that i would like to do as of this time. packing things would be one. saving audio files and videos on my laptop would be another. it is just a plain torture for me to do these things but i have to give it a try to attract positive forces.
so until that day arrives, i guess i have to keep holding on.
Stuck
i am stuck.
in this time.
in this moment.
in this situation.
when will my stars align and the rain fall on me?
in this time.
in this moment.
in this situation.
when will my stars align and the rain fall on me?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Motivated
now, i am motivated to continue my spanish lessons. rafa just won his sixth consecutive title at monte carlo and his first from an eleven-month title drought.
i would like to share to you now a very timely and truthful article about nadal written by peter bodo from his blog at espn.com. enjoy!
It was well past midnight in Monaco, but one light burned brightly behind the leaded glass window of Prince von Poopenstein's chateau high on a cliff overlooking the Monte Carlo Country Club and the dark expanse of the Mediterranean.
Inside the candlelit room, a number of men were seated around a massive oak table, upon which sat the remnants of a feast and open bottles of red wine, Pernod and Armagnac; others lounged on sofas, behind which hung ancient tapestries depicting yew trees, minstrels and unicorns. The mood was somber, the silences long.
The first man to speak was a dark-haired, broad-shouldered youth: "I am filled with dread," he said in hushed tones. "I fear my arm will again turn to jelly; my breathing difficulties and dizziness will return to plague me. The truth is burned into my mind. We were wrong to consider him finished."
The ensuing silence was broken by the one called, simply, Verdasco: "I believe Novak the Dark speaks for all of us. I would not believe this until today. But I saw -- I saw what he did to Berrer, the same as de Bakker two days ago. He destroyed him, giving but one game for mere sport -- or pity."
The men all started at the sound of a fist crashing heavily the table. "Madness! Sheer madness! Berrer and de Bakker. They are not men," cried Roger, Son of Nike. "They are as mere children compared to you. Have you no faith? Have you no courage?"
The eyes of the assembled company all fell in shame. Perhaps Roger, Son of Nike, was right -- perhaps these men, the best in all the kingdom of Luxilon, had lost their nerve.
Roger continued: "I did not don the jacket of 16 on the fair lawn of Wimbledon so little time ago to surrender like a craven rabbit. It has been 11 months since the renegade Rafa has proven himself on the field of battle. Eleven months spent in the wilderness, exiled. Are we to allow him to reclaim his ill-gotten kingdom, here on the very red clay where he first slashed and felled some of our finest? Was his banishment in Madrid not sufficient proof that he is unworthy, a savage whose time has come and gone?"
A restless murmur ran through the room. The breeze whistling through the window caused the candles in the sconces to flicker, revealing frowns of deep concern on the faces of the men.
"Valiant you were that day in Madrid," the one they called Nalbandian observed, reaching for another leg of lamb. "And well you deserve the 16 jacket, and the man purse, too. But that was then -- and this is now. I fear that the knees of the renegade Rafa are strong and he is up to his old tricks. He lies in wait for us, as the wolf lies in wait for the lamb."
The look shot his way by Son of Nike sent a chill right through Nalbandian and penetrated to his very soul. "You cur," Roger snarled. "Have you no pride? Have you no sense of honor? Sooner die than yield to this Rafa once again, I say."
"Easy for you to say," Kohlschreiber of the Rhine remarked under his breath, his eyes fixed on the cream-colored 16 jacket lying on the back of Roger's chair.
Nalbandian methodically licked the grease off his fingers and threw the bone over his shoulder. "Son of Nike, have you forgotten the year 2009, or the ones before, the years of Rafa at Roland Garros? Why do you speak of him with such contempt?"
They were interrupted by the sound of a child wailing.
"Mirka! Shut that child up," cried Roger, Son of Nike, sweeping an arm across the table, sending bottles crashing to the floor. "I'll have no more of this talk!"
"Have it your way," said Ferrer the Small. "But if I were you -- if I were any of you, I would be afraid. Very afraid."
vamos rafa!
i would like to share to you now a very timely and truthful article about nadal written by peter bodo from his blog at espn.com. enjoy!
It was well past midnight in Monaco, but one light burned brightly behind the leaded glass window of Prince von Poopenstein's chateau high on a cliff overlooking the Monte Carlo Country Club and the dark expanse of the Mediterranean.
Inside the candlelit room, a number of men were seated around a massive oak table, upon which sat the remnants of a feast and open bottles of red wine, Pernod and Armagnac; others lounged on sofas, behind which hung ancient tapestries depicting yew trees, minstrels and unicorns. The mood was somber, the silences long.
The first man to speak was a dark-haired, broad-shouldered youth: "I am filled with dread," he said in hushed tones. "I fear my arm will again turn to jelly; my breathing difficulties and dizziness will return to plague me. The truth is burned into my mind. We were wrong to consider him finished."
The ensuing silence was broken by the one called, simply, Verdasco: "I believe Novak the Dark speaks for all of us. I would not believe this until today. But I saw -- I saw what he did to Berrer, the same as de Bakker two days ago. He destroyed him, giving but one game for mere sport -- or pity."
The men all started at the sound of a fist crashing heavily the table. "Madness! Sheer madness! Berrer and de Bakker. They are not men," cried Roger, Son of Nike. "They are as mere children compared to you. Have you no faith? Have you no courage?"
The eyes of the assembled company all fell in shame. Perhaps Roger, Son of Nike, was right -- perhaps these men, the best in all the kingdom of Luxilon, had lost their nerve.
Roger continued: "I did not don the jacket of 16 on the fair lawn of Wimbledon so little time ago to surrender like a craven rabbit. It has been 11 months since the renegade Rafa has proven himself on the field of battle. Eleven months spent in the wilderness, exiled. Are we to allow him to reclaim his ill-gotten kingdom, here on the very red clay where he first slashed and felled some of our finest? Was his banishment in Madrid not sufficient proof that he is unworthy, a savage whose time has come and gone?"
A restless murmur ran through the room. The breeze whistling through the window caused the candles in the sconces to flicker, revealing frowns of deep concern on the faces of the men.
"Valiant you were that day in Madrid," the one they called Nalbandian observed, reaching for another leg of lamb. "And well you deserve the 16 jacket, and the man purse, too. But that was then -- and this is now. I fear that the knees of the renegade Rafa are strong and he is up to his old tricks. He lies in wait for us, as the wolf lies in wait for the lamb."
The look shot his way by Son of Nike sent a chill right through Nalbandian and penetrated to his very soul. "You cur," Roger snarled. "Have you no pride? Have you no sense of honor? Sooner die than yield to this Rafa once again, I say."
"Easy for you to say," Kohlschreiber of the Rhine remarked under his breath, his eyes fixed on the cream-colored 16 jacket lying on the back of Roger's chair.
Nalbandian methodically licked the grease off his fingers and threw the bone over his shoulder. "Son of Nike, have you forgotten the year 2009, or the ones before, the years of Rafa at Roland Garros? Why do you speak of him with such contempt?"
They were interrupted by the sound of a child wailing.
"Mirka! Shut that child up," cried Roger, Son of Nike, sweeping an arm across the table, sending bottles crashing to the floor. "I'll have no more of this talk!"
"Have it your way," said Ferrer the Small. "But if I were you -- if I were any of you, I would be afraid. Very afraid."
vamos rafa!
Two Is Not Always Too Much
dejected, i let it run its course in my always vulnerable mind and soul. that delay, was in fact the second time. no, two is not always too much.
so here i am thinking again, did i really resent that event? because right now, i am just so delighted that it did happen. crazy right? i know.
but the fact that a volcano in iceland is causing all the trouble in airspace across europe, i now have the reason to be happy.
seriously, no more delays come this time please?
*image from here.
so here i am thinking again, did i really resent that event? because right now, i am just so delighted that it did happen. crazy right? i know.
but the fact that a volcano in iceland is causing all the trouble in airspace across europe, i now have the reason to be happy.
seriously, no more delays come this time please?
*image from here.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Take Only What You Need From It
The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not.
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it.
-Kids by MGMT
maybe i am intoxicated of MGMT's music but thing is, i felt that this song is trying to examine me like a frisky sophomore high school student in his botany class. cutting me in the middle to see through the depths of my humanity, i am now bare in the hands of nature and of fate.
the moment i was done with them, i was so sure that i will never miss them. now, i just hate it that i am fucking myself by being nostalgic of the things i did in the past. maybe, just maybe, doing nothing keeps you attracted to what was there before.
i need to listen more to the song.
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not.
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it.
-Kids by MGMT
maybe i am intoxicated of MGMT's music but thing is, i felt that this song is trying to examine me like a frisky sophomore high school student in his botany class. cutting me in the middle to see through the depths of my humanity, i am now bare in the hands of nature and of fate.
the moment i was done with them, i was so sure that i will never miss them. now, i just hate it that i am fucking myself by being nostalgic of the things i did in the past. maybe, just maybe, doing nothing keeps you attracted to what was there before.
i need to listen more to the song.
I Feel It All
taunting will not help. neither asking or rationalizing. but the dream you had? it just captured feist's song. cheers charl!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Now for Hypnosis
there are some memories that you wish to never come back. however, the brain was created by God to be that great that memories come and go.
the moment was spurred by being a nurse in the neighborhood. if i could just pick the good ones, i did it long before yesterday. but i just cannot do it so they came.
a lot would think that they happen only in movies or the typical filipino teleserye. but they are real. they happen in real life. the battered housewife and the always drunk husband? the beatings and the running just to escape their death from their abusive husbands? they are real. at least to what my young mind has tried to erase from those memories of childhood.
no, it was not in my family. my dad could not even try hard to dissuade my mom from pursuing something she really wanted. i am talking about former caretakers of our "kubo" back then. they were a couple. rolly was really a hard working person but the things is, alcohol owned him. josie on the other hand was a loving housewife but that love, was the drug that nearly killed her.
they were a perfect couple when it came to the requirements of their work but they were the worst couple together. rolly, when summoned by the spirits of alcohol, knew no one. he always had his bolo which automatically made josie run for her life. and in her escape from death, she went to our home, almost as good as being dead with her bruises and broken upper lip. for a child like me to see this, i could ask myself if this was love.
if he always hurt her, why did she always come back to him? it was not clear to me what love truly is but fear and insecurity made their presence felt. that continued for a little more months until one Christmas morning, josie was knocking at our doors. i did not know back then if those tears of her were of grief or of deliverance but rolly died. he died being attacked by a drunk man carrying a bolo. oh the ironies of life!
in an instant, i was relieved of the fact that rolly died, albeit on a Christmas day. my parents thought it was time to let go of josie hence the coming of the patient yesterday, as the new caretakers back then. i then made myself busy opening Christmas presents and counting aguinaldo. since then, josie and her bruised face was forgotten for good until the other day.
i wish to bury in the depths of the earth some painful memories. i never wanted to surrender to regret and pity but i would also like to remember some great memories.
i think i would like to go into a therapy. perhaps hypnosis will do good.
the moment was spurred by being a nurse in the neighborhood. if i could just pick the good ones, i did it long before yesterday. but i just cannot do it so they came.
a lot would think that they happen only in movies or the typical filipino teleserye. but they are real. they happen in real life. the battered housewife and the always drunk husband? the beatings and the running just to escape their death from their abusive husbands? they are real. at least to what my young mind has tried to erase from those memories of childhood.
no, it was not in my family. my dad could not even try hard to dissuade my mom from pursuing something she really wanted. i am talking about former caretakers of our "kubo" back then. they were a couple. rolly was really a hard working person but the things is, alcohol owned him. josie on the other hand was a loving housewife but that love, was the drug that nearly killed her.
they were a perfect couple when it came to the requirements of their work but they were the worst couple together. rolly, when summoned by the spirits of alcohol, knew no one. he always had his bolo which automatically made josie run for her life. and in her escape from death, she went to our home, almost as good as being dead with her bruises and broken upper lip. for a child like me to see this, i could ask myself if this was love.
if he always hurt her, why did she always come back to him? it was not clear to me what love truly is but fear and insecurity made their presence felt. that continued for a little more months until one Christmas morning, josie was knocking at our doors. i did not know back then if those tears of her were of grief or of deliverance but rolly died. he died being attacked by a drunk man carrying a bolo. oh the ironies of life!
in an instant, i was relieved of the fact that rolly died, albeit on a Christmas day. my parents thought it was time to let go of josie hence the coming of the patient yesterday, as the new caretakers back then. i then made myself busy opening Christmas presents and counting aguinaldo. since then, josie and her bruised face was forgotten for good until the other day.
i wish to bury in the depths of the earth some painful memories. i never wanted to surrender to regret and pity but i would also like to remember some great memories.
i think i would like to go into a therapy. perhaps hypnosis will do good.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
D.) None of the above
if i am to compare it, nursing would be letter d. none of the above answer in a question.
i had it clear in my mind. i wanted to be dressed in fine clothes and not in a white uniform. i wanted an environment of people living their lives not in a place where people die. i wanted to have a night life and not a life spent on taking care of other people at night. i wanted to pursue a lot of things after work not forsake a lot of things after work. but hey, what do i have now? all the things that i did not dream of having.
call me "maarte" but that is just me and so it was an easy task for me. forget the medical field and take the other. three years later, i am now in the medical field. my point is, i never asked for nursing but somewhere along the way, it was handed to me. it came in a time when i was just wishing to get out of the world that i wanted. i tasted it and i thought, i am not meant for those things. so here i am, dressed in white in the middle of the night planning to sleep the whole day after work. this is me now.
did it ever happen to you that you do not want to decide anymore? you fear that you will make the wrong decision again so you will just let things happen. i came to that point and seriously, it crippled me for some time. until nursing came.
yesterday, i was busy watching the TV when i heard those familiar knocks on our gate. again. it was ate tess with another neighbor of ours. apparently, her mother was hypertensive and needed to have her blood pressure checked asap. since fate had me watch TV so i can heed to their call, i thought i heard God whisper to me that i should come. (talk about being delusional here)
i remember her, after reminding me that they were the previous caretakers of this land where our house now stood. those memories of me being dragged to go into a hot summer day trying to harvest all the calamansi that we can take suddenly came alive. i guess it was the time that i can somehow show our gratitude to them after all those forgotten years.
i went there and monitored her bp until her condition stabilized. good thing, her medicines were available as a son-in-law who is a physician gave instructions over the phone. we talked about a lot of things. of the glorious past and of things i barely can remember. it made me smile and it made me feel good.
as i found my way back home, i had in my mind the "kubo" that once stood in our place. it was very country style yet refreshing at most times. the mini-pool was there where i used to swim but unable to fully stretch my body. then those aggressive chickens who would snatch the bread that i was eating. but i never really enjoyed the times where i would always be bitten by ants or be pricked by the thorns of the mimosa.
i never knew nursing can bring these memories back. because when i was in high school, i would literally wriggle in pure uneasiness when i hear stories of blood and patients being struck in the eyes. or the woman who used a hanger to abort her child.
right now, i am a bit uneasy.
i had it clear in my mind. i wanted to be dressed in fine clothes and not in a white uniform. i wanted an environment of people living their lives not in a place where people die. i wanted to have a night life and not a life spent on taking care of other people at night. i wanted to pursue a lot of things after work not forsake a lot of things after work. but hey, what do i have now? all the things that i did not dream of having.
call me "maarte" but that is just me and so it was an easy task for me. forget the medical field and take the other. three years later, i am now in the medical field. my point is, i never asked for nursing but somewhere along the way, it was handed to me. it came in a time when i was just wishing to get out of the world that i wanted. i tasted it and i thought, i am not meant for those things. so here i am, dressed in white in the middle of the night planning to sleep the whole day after work. this is me now.
did it ever happen to you that you do not want to decide anymore? you fear that you will make the wrong decision again so you will just let things happen. i came to that point and seriously, it crippled me for some time. until nursing came.
yesterday, i was busy watching the TV when i heard those familiar knocks on our gate. again. it was ate tess with another neighbor of ours. apparently, her mother was hypertensive and needed to have her blood pressure checked asap. since fate had me watch TV so i can heed to their call, i thought i heard God whisper to me that i should come. (talk about being delusional here)
i remember her, after reminding me that they were the previous caretakers of this land where our house now stood. those memories of me being dragged to go into a hot summer day trying to harvest all the calamansi that we can take suddenly came alive. i guess it was the time that i can somehow show our gratitude to them after all those forgotten years.
i went there and monitored her bp until her condition stabilized. good thing, her medicines were available as a son-in-law who is a physician gave instructions over the phone. we talked about a lot of things. of the glorious past and of things i barely can remember. it made me smile and it made me feel good.
as i found my way back home, i had in my mind the "kubo" that once stood in our place. it was very country style yet refreshing at most times. the mini-pool was there where i used to swim but unable to fully stretch my body. then those aggressive chickens who would snatch the bread that i was eating. but i never really enjoyed the times where i would always be bitten by ants or be pricked by the thorns of the mimosa.
i never knew nursing can bring these memories back. because when i was in high school, i would literally wriggle in pure uneasiness when i hear stories of blood and patients being struck in the eyes. or the woman who used a hanger to abort her child.
right now, i am a bit uneasy.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Two Years and Two Days
to find the perfect motivation to write is as frequent as the rain in egypt. probably the philippines don't you think?
since it rained last night, i guess i found one thing to write about.
before i went to egypt, sheng was already processing her papers so she can work in new zealand. nearing two years after, she is still here in the philippines. if there is a person who can teach me the lesson about patience, sheng would be perfect. every now and then, we would catch up with each other and every time we do, she is still waiting.
when you are waiting for that long, it is inevitable that you will be bothered by financial concerns and the feeling of being useless. it was just natural that sheng had to really find a job asap. she had a lot. of applying but not getting called back. of almost having it all but there was always something wrong in the end. she is always hard working and faithful to the fact that someday, she will find that job.
in the course of our conversation, she told me that she can try working in switzerland. she has relatives there and can help her find her place. but she has to learn french. at first, she was really hesitant since a there is that rift between her family and those other relatives residing in geneva to be exact. it is always there. that option of making it in europe but no, she might find her place somewhere else.
until she cannot look no more. thousand attempts, failures, disappointments and praying, she is running out of gas. just in time, i came in to cheer her up and to set her sight fresh with a lot of focus. after all, she was there when i had the roughest times. i said to her that maybe, just maybe, God is telling her to stop looking elsewhere and to just look around her and see that all along, an opportunity is waiting for her.
i just hope that i was helpful to her. i cannot bask in joy while my friends are miserable. so what is 20 to 40 days more of waiting compared to two years?
nothing i guess but really, i am hoping to make the 20 days to two days, please?
since it rained last night, i guess i found one thing to write about.
before i went to egypt, sheng was already processing her papers so she can work in new zealand. nearing two years after, she is still here in the philippines. if there is a person who can teach me the lesson about patience, sheng would be perfect. every now and then, we would catch up with each other and every time we do, she is still waiting.
when you are waiting for that long, it is inevitable that you will be bothered by financial concerns and the feeling of being useless. it was just natural that sheng had to really find a job asap. she had a lot. of applying but not getting called back. of almost having it all but there was always something wrong in the end. she is always hard working and faithful to the fact that someday, she will find that job.
in the course of our conversation, she told me that she can try working in switzerland. she has relatives there and can help her find her place. but she has to learn french. at first, she was really hesitant since a there is that rift between her family and those other relatives residing in geneva to be exact. it is always there. that option of making it in europe but no, she might find her place somewhere else.
until she cannot look no more. thousand attempts, failures, disappointments and praying, she is running out of gas. just in time, i came in to cheer her up and to set her sight fresh with a lot of focus. after all, she was there when i had the roughest times. i said to her that maybe, just maybe, God is telling her to stop looking elsewhere and to just look around her and see that all along, an opportunity is waiting for her.
i just hope that i was helpful to her. i cannot bask in joy while my friends are miserable. so what is 20 to 40 days more of waiting compared to two years?
nothing i guess but really, i am hoping to make the 20 days to two days, please?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tears
in our misfortunes in life, we wonder what went wrong. we ask ourselves about the mistakes that we did. we ponder of other options you might have taken and the results they might have brought.
i did all of these and i cannot even imagine how many times i fell as a victim to these activities. did it bring clarity? definitely no. did it give you comfort? a commanding nope. did it help you solve the situation? a thundering nada.
painful and somehow useless, it makes us all humans. it made me weak and it made me strong after. it made me regret and it made me celebrate after. it made me cry and it me laugh after. it made me hate Him and it made me love Him all the more after.
the strong disgust over how i am reacting to all these things makes me want to slap my face so hard until no one can comfort me. clearly, i was not thinking. i have let myself be overcome with strong emotions and my usual thinking self vanished into thin air.
i guess a learning block has yet to be broken with the hard teachings of living in the real world. to cry was what i wanted to do the most when all doubts and fears surrounded me. however, no drop from the lacrimal glands could satisfy the desire to unload a truckload of emotions. it is a shame that i am de-humanized after all as i could not make myself cry.
the tears would have to come later, i pray. in that most perfect time, i can cry because i am happy and that at last, i know how to be human capable of not experiencing only troubles but tears of joy.
i did all of these and i cannot even imagine how many times i fell as a victim to these activities. did it bring clarity? definitely no. did it give you comfort? a commanding nope. did it help you solve the situation? a thundering nada.
painful and somehow useless, it makes us all humans. it made me weak and it made me strong after. it made me regret and it made me celebrate after. it made me cry and it me laugh after. it made me hate Him and it made me love Him all the more after.
the strong disgust over how i am reacting to all these things makes me want to slap my face so hard until no one can comfort me. clearly, i was not thinking. i have let myself be overcome with strong emotions and my usual thinking self vanished into thin air.
i guess a learning block has yet to be broken with the hard teachings of living in the real world. to cry was what i wanted to do the most when all doubts and fears surrounded me. however, no drop from the lacrimal glands could satisfy the desire to unload a truckload of emotions. it is a shame that i am de-humanized after all as i could not make myself cry.
the tears would have to come later, i pray. in that most perfect time, i can cry because i am happy and that at last, i know how to be human capable of not experiencing only troubles but tears of joy.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Un Nuevo Día de Esperanzas y Promesas
much as i would like to, i opted to take the celebration in my heart. the message, wrapped in personalized package has to be perceived as something not bound by dictates of tradition or of rules made by men.
coming home, i never really longed doing our traditions since they are always mixed with the mother's crazy and irritating antics. case in point, she, taking so much time dressing up while all of us are waiting in the car. the following day, she, honking the horn since i and the twins are not yet done dressing up. what a crazy world this is.
so this year, i am not joining them in the easter service at clarkfield, pampanga. stone me for not sacrificing the comforts of a long sleep but it made sense to me that waking up that early to listen to a message would not benefit me. i had to be really in the zone of accepting the lowly me and Him offering a new life would have to come automatically with the coming easter sunday. i guess some time alone in my room would do the trick as i try with all sincerity to reflect and pick up the pieces.
hopefully. i will succeed. tomorrow is a new day beaming with hopes and promises.
coming home, i never really longed doing our traditions since they are always mixed with the mother's crazy and irritating antics. case in point, she, taking so much time dressing up while all of us are waiting in the car. the following day, she, honking the horn since i and the twins are not yet done dressing up. what a crazy world this is.
so this year, i am not joining them in the easter service at clarkfield, pampanga. stone me for not sacrificing the comforts of a long sleep but it made sense to me that waking up that early to listen to a message would not benefit me. i had to be really in the zone of accepting the lowly me and Him offering a new life would have to come automatically with the coming easter sunday. i guess some time alone in my room would do the trick as i try with all sincerity to reflect and pick up the pieces.
hopefully. i will succeed. tomorrow is a new day beaming with hopes and promises.
La Maldición Continúa
again, i felt the jinx happen. rafa losing again after being so close to winning the title. i guess i have to rest my hopes for now. what is important is for him to be healthy and to be confident that he can do it again. anything is possible rafa and i wish you luck.
buena suerte rafa!
buena suerte rafa!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Not Mine But His
it was strange. finding the peace that the season should emanate, it was never easy. the family of course plus the lures of internet could not give me the much needed reflection. after all, so much has happened that they all need to be given careful thought of what to make about them.
the papers are still not here and by some magical forces, they were not sent last sunday and that, paved the way for them catching the lenten season. ems was to be the service, a much-feared one after the first falling out back there in egypt. i thought ron made sense of that.
painful. i never thought of seeing others in a place you are supposed to be there as well could elicit such sensation. it is real and not looking at it is just as painful as not taking decongestants with a heavy sinusitis. piercing the very core of your head. charlton, oh charlton, just take it in and know that someday, you will be there.
all are seem to be awaiting my arrival but alas, i still have to make sure i am coming. the good Lord sure knows what excitement is.
so there, while busy taking shit, i played the part of a good samaritan by updating a resume of a cousin, taking blood pressures and bugging my brothers to prepare for their internships. finished watching skins seasons one and two while trying to decide if i was more tony or sid. i did cooking as well and had to be off the radar for the acerbic being of my tongue.
i guess it was just timely for the message delivered this afternoon. light, simple and entertaining, i got it clearly. what i cannot remove in my mind is that there is one thing that i had to take in my heart: not my will but His.
taking it all for us, many underestimate the awesomeness of this event. what could be so amazing than this? Him, dying for me is just plain love. and i guess i have to love myself more by yielding to His directions.
again, i say not my will but His.
the papers are still not here and by some magical forces, they were not sent last sunday and that, paved the way for them catching the lenten season. ems was to be the service, a much-feared one after the first falling out back there in egypt. i thought ron made sense of that.
painful. i never thought of seeing others in a place you are supposed to be there as well could elicit such sensation. it is real and not looking at it is just as painful as not taking decongestants with a heavy sinusitis. piercing the very core of your head. charlton, oh charlton, just take it in and know that someday, you will be there.
all are seem to be awaiting my arrival but alas, i still have to make sure i am coming. the good Lord sure knows what excitement is.
so there, while busy taking shit, i played the part of a good samaritan by updating a resume of a cousin, taking blood pressures and bugging my brothers to prepare for their internships. finished watching skins seasons one and two while trying to decide if i was more tony or sid. i did cooking as well and had to be off the radar for the acerbic being of my tongue.
i guess it was just timely for the message delivered this afternoon. light, simple and entertaining, i got it clearly. what i cannot remove in my mind is that there is one thing that i had to take in my heart: not my will but His.
taking it all for us, many underestimate the awesomeness of this event. what could be so amazing than this? Him, dying for me is just plain love. and i guess i have to love myself more by yielding to His directions.
again, i say not my will but His.
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