in our misfortunes in life, we wonder what went wrong. we ask ourselves about the mistakes that we did. we ponder of other options you might have taken and the results they might have brought.
i did all of these and i cannot even imagine how many times i fell as a victim to these activities. did it bring clarity? definitely no. did it give you comfort? a commanding nope. did it help you solve the situation? a thundering nada.
painful and somehow useless, it makes us all humans. it made me weak and it made me strong after. it made me regret and it made me celebrate after. it made me cry and it me laugh after. it made me hate Him and it made me love Him all the more after.
the strong disgust over how i am reacting to all these things makes me want to slap my face so hard until no one can comfort me. clearly, i was not thinking. i have let myself be overcome with strong emotions and my usual thinking self vanished into thin air.
i guess a learning block has yet to be broken with the hard teachings of living in the real world. to cry was what i wanted to do the most when all doubts and fears surrounded me. however, no drop from the lacrimal glands could satisfy the desire to unload a truckload of emotions. it is a shame that i am de-humanized after all as i could not make myself cry.
the tears would have to come later, i pray. in that most perfect time, i can cry because i am happy and that at last, i know how to be human capable of not experiencing only troubles but tears of joy.