when nothing works for you, it cripples you. you are bound to think that it will always be the same...
the thought came flashing through my mind as yet again, my sister had to "share" the things my mom did that can normally upset everybody in the house. after all, she ain't selfish with these stuff. mom in the last minute, decided not to join my lola at the wedding of her cousin. days before, the plan was already set. it was supposed to be a wonderful time since she will be seeing her cousins from the only alive sibling of my lolo.
but, she bailed out. it maybe really hot but that is not new. the thing is, my aunts and lola were just puzzled why she did not go when she can to her friend's parties anytime of the day. so then, my sister had to remind her that and mom told her that painful memories just keep coming back if she goes to the party. of her scrubbing casseroles helping lola in the house of their cousins.
the cousins were really well-to-do and apparently, it did not go well for the family of my lolo. in the course of these events, i am thinking if it will be the same fate for us. this generation of ours needs to get going. time and time, i tell myself that my moment will come but all seem to be in a nagging deadlock.
a pause, a delay and another setback. questions and questions continue to build up as expectations continue to increase steadily. prayers and prayers are always uttered until what? each day is another moment to hope for something better but as the repetition goes on and on, i wonder where i am headed to.
indeed, change is gonna come but the wisdom to know when is not with the palms of my hand. the papers are all in and that one final decision is what i am yearning to have. eight days to go and another batch is set to go. will i be able to join them? i really do not know but there are things that i would like to do as of this time. packing things would be one. saving audio files and videos on my laptop would be another. it is just a plain torture for me to do these things but i have to give it a try to attract positive forces.
so until that day arrives, i guess i have to keep holding on.