Cemented

i am always in the process of asking myself of the things that matter to me most. a quote which says that if you think that everybody changed, maybe it is you who changed has always been in my mind. to keep looking on other people instead of looking directly on yourself is no easy task. the courage of facing the fact that maybe something is wrong with you takes you to a battle of losing your pride or continue to believe that you did nothing wrong.

was i too sensitive on a lot of things about her? maybe. i am in no position to judge her actions but people around her would not oppose me of how i feel towards her. sensitive i think is not the word. hurt probably. it is because in all of these debacles, i am hurt by her actions. now i do not want to appear that i did not have a happy life but for the most part of my life spent at home, i was always resentful. always waiting for the chance to leave home and be emancipated from her wings. i dream of that and i hunger for that moment. i thought egypt was the start but it came to a sudden halt. i was unprepared and now i am in my room trying to confine myself so i can be away from her.

at home, you can rarely see me bond with my family members. you may have the interpretation of me being a stubborn kid resisting his parents wishes. but, you be the judge. with my siblings, i can take it. i can be with them and really have a good time. dad can be cool as he is most of the time open to any possibilities. but her presence announces that sooner or later, i may have to disagree on something. my mind truly has given me tickets to greater avenues but it has also give me a discerning eye towards her antics. to avoid her, i keep myself busy in my room.

watching t.v. at home is like walking in afghanistan waiting for landmines to explode. her choice of programs clearly spell the difference on our taste plus her comments and analysis immediately induces several arguments that i want to pound on her. she will often times interject stories which can only come in three packages with regards to their themes: gossips, envy and criticisms. i will tell you one thing, all these years, i have grown so i keep my mouth shut even if doing so will cause regurgitation of those sharp thoughts of mine in my totality. doing so can clearly dampen any bright day of mine and will cause me to go into an asylum i call my room. if i don't retreat to my asylum, i will cause the detonation of one landmine.

you know, it is hard to be like this. watching meryl streep be so caring, understanding and loving to her children in her movie called it's complicated would always punch my heart for not having that mom. i know nobody is perfect and jane adler is just an imagination but there is always this part in me who can just wish for another her and that maybe, i will be a different man.

can she not be more pleasing in the ears? be more patient, considerate and understanding? be more soft-spoken and unbiased in her own thoughts? be more humble and contented with life? she can be but i do not know if she has still time before she wakes up one day alone because every people around her would want to leave because of how she treats everybody.

tonight, it has been cemented again that i will truly leave the home i was raised and leave my loved ones behind. i need to truly live my life by my own dictates and rules as the years of guided living will reach its end soon. i need to be the kind of person free from all resentment and bitterness.

these thoughts were all aroused by an event involving a dog in our backyard. she in a raised voice and stern face asking jonah to look for it.

now the cement is dry and hard.

Redirection from Conversations

just got home from yet another round of coffee with friends and some booze with friends of joan's hubby. it was just last sunday when i went to karen's despedida and here i am again, enjoying the last few days with her. initially, i did not want to go as i have told myself to keep myself at home until something good happens in my career.

but to hell with that. i need to be happy and keep my mind off from the things that bother me most. i need to regain my confidence that i can do it and i can make it. i need my friends' own success stories so i can be motivated again to try even if it will mean failures along the way.

and with a simple convincing from benj, i did go. again, i did not regret it. over the years, our conversations have grown into a mature one. the silly stuff is still there but wisdom springs from every experience that we had. each time i get to be with them, an examination to my own journey warrants me some kind of redirection.

so thank you friends. i can never do it without you.

Imaginary Tears

patiently, i traversed the streets of ermita. obscure and most of the time unfamiliar to me, i did not care. i have nothing to lose but i have everything to gain. it was fucking humid. still, i tried my best not to care. i was looking for that chance to work somewhere near the philippines. singapore would be really cool. once qualified there, i can be easily recognized in australia.

but as fate would have it, i was not for singapore. nam clearly told me that the human factor is and was missing from this small progressive country. i should have trusted my guts instead and escaped the humiliation i got from that agency. my eyes discerned that it is no good for me to offer myself to them. i did not want to think highly of myself but i know i can be better. and that i can offer so much to them. sadly, i was plain insignificant. at least for them i guess.

i could have told them something like this:



however, i knew better that i am a professional. so i left with their expectations of me coming back carrying that silly plastic envelope. it started to rain. that thought of pouring raindrops made me stop for a while. can this be an outpouring of blessings? this i have to find out.

i proceeded to navigate my way in makati in search for that one remaining candle of hope. qatar it is. great! arabs again. but who am i to be choosy at this point? the hospital is promising. well, who knows about the divine plan for me?

then i was torn whether or not to go to another agency. but the forces of nature and luck kinda blew it away. i could not get a cab and the jeepneys that might bring me near to my supposed-to-be destination were just nowhere to be found. sign maybe? we will see.

i could have experienced what crystal felt after losing to lee or what this mom did:



but not yet so let me wipe some tears in my imagination.

I Guess So

sheng and i had a chat last night. of course, the topic ranged mainly from our promising career. yeah, i know. okay, years from now maybe. she admitted that she was really feeling down and all.

how could you not feel that way when you hear your parents secretly tell your younger sister to stop first from studying since there were two of them in college? two hundred thousand is not easy to bring in. it is common here that we as nurses are seen as the hope to most families. however, that was few years ago when i was still hating group plays in our r.l.e or doing surveys for our community immersion while nam was already a star in the u.s. of a.

i strongly despised my current state but then again, my chat with her told me something. that me being jobless for less than a year now is not worse than being jobless for three years. that our finances are slowly dwindling but it could not be worse than having to ask one of my siblings to stop schooling for a while.

is this the part i should say thank you and take life as it is?

Wake Up to Better Days

so i heard she cried. of course, without my absence for that would mean her defeat right? that day i decided to breathe a new air without any odor of anger, bitterness and sadness, it dawned to them that the glaring truth of something is wrong has finally escaped their blind spot.

she was torn as told by jonah. torn between her son and her brother. really. she said that according to jonah. but just to capture the moment's request of having to blurt out a dramatic line because in the end, her brother's pestering family continued to rule while i exiled myself into my version of egyptian heat in manila.

by this time you would think that she'd mellow huh? not. as soon the morning of sunday came, she gave everyone the feel that she was into something important. constantly bickering of the fact that she needed everyone's help to finally evolve into a marvelous godmother at a wedding, it was my brother and dad who became her victims of terrorizing voice. now moving into lunch time, she was at the top of her lungs mocking my dad and brother for not partaking into the wedding banquet. i mean it was their choice not to eat right? and if she really wanted them to enjoy the festivities, she could have escorted them to the reception venue. but she did not.

good thing i have friends who always pull me up when i am at my lowest point and giving me the lift to avoid the marianas trench. karnts had her birthday, graduation (from mba) and despedida celebrations last sunday at a fast-becoming famous resort in pampanga. benj was there along with jon, fe and rina (who just got home the night of saturday from saudi. isn't it obvious that she missed all the fun here?) i had fun and we had fun. we talked about great things and seriously touched the aspects of being a young professional.

now i am ready for the hunt. my allies have prepped me for whatever challenge i have to face in starting anew. the parents? well, i have no choice but to accept them for who they are. in the first place, they accepted me. but hey, still not in speaking terms with the mother. just yet. have patience please.

i know. i am that proud, sometimes bitchy plus bitter young man full of dreams but lacking in driving force. so let me sleep now so i can wake up to better days and better me.

Hurry

i am going to make it quick.

two days ago, i stormed out of the house to give myself a break from all the nagging worries, abusive relatives and an internal battle of trying to accept the things around me.

he was surprised. my dad. as soon as i grabbed my things, i informed him that i am leaving. he did not see it coming but there i was, already leaving the house. i really wanted this. to surprise them and somehow express my rebellion.

two days later, i still got no progress on where my career is heading. the chance of joining pau at trinidad and tobaggo is already closed while a local hiring hospital is only accepting catholic nurses. parents are still the same while the relatives are off to somewhere in manila.

i knew i will be left without options but i willingly gave a try as to have no regrets later. lein told me that maybe, just maybe, i am being led to something better. i hope so but please, hurry.

The Cycle Never Ends

on and off. up and down. what goes around comes around. a cycle. a full circle. in that full circle, the movement is just plain straight. of course, it is straight that is why it lead to that repetition. i mean no going the other way for it to miss its original path. my point is, nothing in my life right now is going to break the cycle. all seems to gravitate to pure heartaches and failures.

sigh and another sigh. i would like to refer to jonah's uncle again that my success is at a slow pace. gee, so much for fast tracking. i mean, how great my situation can be? it is like all the shit in this world aligned at my head just like the way the moon and the venus aligned together in that perfect night this week. but, i believe that at this period in my life, i am not alone.

there is benj of course who after quitting his job in the top construction firm in the country to work overseas has to learn a certain anomaly in his medical exam. it cost him that slot and later found out that the supposed-to-be problem with his exam was nothing. sucks for him to lose his job and then left with nothing. now afraid of working abroad, he is trying to find his groove back towards looking for another opportunity. that period of being left in the middle even led him to thinking of changing careers. almost surrendering to his childhood dream.

then there is karen who just finished her mba and has left her job in a high-profile bank to go to singapore without a job waiting for her. a gamble she says but a chance she has to take. scared as hell, she is gearing up for this exciting and frightening phase. the word "pakikipagsapalaran" is just too perfect for her.

we have jon as well who is on his way on the top of the marketing department in one of the biggest companies in the philippines. at 24, he is tailored to succeed but there are just these things that will give you a change of heart. the last time we talked, he is planning to leave his job for a yet-to-be figured plan.

okay. theirs may be not that shitty. only critical i guess. however, all are poised to produce that catalyst that we are all yearning for.

there are those problems involving relationships. there are also those battles with our inner selves venturing on the realist and idealist aspects of our humanity. they can be petty and they can be big. stress toys with us as a lion would toy with his prey leaving us almost shredded to the core of our selves. in these times, we are caught looking and hurting.

i am looking. looking for answers to why these things are happening to me. looking for chances that i can take. looking for reasons why i need to stay or move on. looking for what i can change about myself. looking for the courage to break free. looking for the motivation to start all over. looking for determination to keep me focus.

i am hurting. hurting over the fact that my chance to work to a wonderful place is in limbo. hurting because the family is not helping either and to add to the injury are the relatives who are bent on keeping my world smaller. hurting because nothing is going on my way.

tomorrow is a new day but i often wonder if it will be different. the way i see it, even the days are recurring. nothing much i believe for a frustrated and depressed soul. as always, i would want to get over this quarter life crisis even if i will just turn 25 this year.

now where is my faith?

A Matter of Perspective

you guessed it! it is the paper again that is driving me nuts. apparently, my control towards my emotions is not yet absolute so allow me to falter sometimes in my quest for the happier me.

surprising it is that in all these events, i have come to take a moment of silence to really feel and understand every situation. i guess i am improving. it took time for me ti really dig deeper to what my dad is trying to say. unfair it may look but then again, we are all desperate so it may be necessary for me to really listen. ain't he wishing for my success?

indeed, life does not get any better but your perception of life gets better.

To Butcher or Not To Butcher

they insisted so i obliged. besides, what is there to lose? if i did not give it a try, it will be then that i lost something- the freedom from what ifs.

the chat actually went well. he was more assertive. analytical as well for that matter. plus, he spoke good english. but then, the "do you understand me?" sounded a little bit snobbish. typical of their race i think but overall, it is a development i believe. now, i do not want to throw away all my hopes for this guy but he could be. probably he can do it.

but all are prayers and hopes for a dream waiting to be butchered.

You Just Don't Know

when that endeavor of yours strains your relationship with yourself and with other people, it means that something is not good. it may be that endeavor itself or the way you handle yourself. either way, i have not yet figured it out and it makes me sick.

right now, i feel so nauseated to the point of dizziness and throwing up. but i opted to blog rather than comfort myself in the wash room. i think it is the stress again that is taking its toil on me.

few minutes ago, i was in a heated argument with my dad. to tell you, we never really argue before. it is just now that things are a little bit off for us. specifically, me against my parents. usually, i will be more tolerable of my dad and with the way he expresses himself towards me but then again, i really felt that it is too much for me.

again, it was about the papers for u.k. he was asking me a lot of questions. it frustrated me since he is thinking of contacting impossible people. like the agency where i went so i can have that work in egypt. i never really told anybody in the family that this agency was involved in some dirty tactics. like overcharging applicants. like really not disclosing full details. it made me frustrated as i felt that urging for me to deal with these people again. i am just tired of asking help from these people who are really uncertain of their relationship with me. and if i ever did ask help from them, i am all alone in the whole process.

i said that i am just being realistic here and you just don't know how hard for me to try and do these things all over again. i am always alone with these things. it is just now that they are starting to get involved in the real sense since they feel that i am already giving up. but then, their being involved warrants my participation of course and that my friends, makes me vomit in stress and in disappointment of their empty persistence.

they actually told jonah that they want me there and since they have already invested a lot. i was bewildered to the fact that as if i did not want to be there. i do and it kills me now that i can sense the possibility of me not going there. there was never a day in these eight months that i have not wanted to be there. that was a false accusation. for them again to account all the expenses, i have nothing to say. if you feel like i have wasted your money, please bear with me. be reminded though that i will never forget this as if your always shoving us with the fact that we owe you was never potent.

you always wanted for the easy way. with a little investment, you demand a bigger return. have you ever asked me how i felt towards all these? how about when i get home after a day worth of applying to different offices and trying to sell myself? how about when i get rejected? you never really asked about me. all you ask is the progress of my application and every time you ask for updates, it irritates me. always rushing and putting the pressure. it was also not enough for you to enjoy it in silence so you decided to tell it in the whole world that i am going. but, surprise, surprise! all seems to be unsure and now you cannot bear the fact to attend other people's despedida because you are kinda hurt plus embarrassed about my situation.

i really wanted to tell you dad that i had enough and if all will continue, i might be sick due to stress. seriously dad. you think i am not giving all my efforts towards achieving this but you just don't know how i wanted this. in between all my desires to travel and experience new things is the desire to work and help my siblings and then you. but the way you see my eagerness to look for another options just breaks my heart.

described as the hardest trial by someone, i know i can overcome this. and please, do not ever think that i don't pray that much. you just don't know.

The Spirit

as i have observed, i was never into a really good time with friends drinking booze and going crazy. the very predictable and always reserved me feared of looking a fool and shaming myself into complete mess.

but, i was destined to change all things. little by little though. so last night, within the halls of benj's newly renovated home was the place for my drinking spree (a drinking spree for me is two red horse hahaha). i said to myself, i drink myself towards oblivion, unmindful just for this night, of the worries i have with my future.

after a few drinks, i was more sociable. the introvert was shed like a banana being peeled. i talked a lot. laughed all the more that i needed and sang a little. friends were great and new acquaintances gained. talks were more intimate i guess but as the spirit engulfed me, it was all good time. the dizziness was kinda subtle but the feeling was just cathartic for me.

you see, i was the textbook guy. my life has been by the book as benj told me. i do not complain but i am just wishing for better and exciting things.

may the spirit of alcohol live! (but not forever)

Clean State

the nice thing about life is that there are changes. it is not stagnant.

changes do not yield to the test of time. they will and will always happen. sometimes, they come at times you don't expect them but oftentimes, they are just perfect.

changes are cool. they give you hope. they give you the desire to start fresh. they give you the chance to correct every mistake. they give you the feel that something better will come your way. so here i am, employing a lot of changes in my life.

hi! i am charlton, can i be your friend? :-)

Why I Will Never Work in the Philippines

yesterday, i was rejected. i tried applying for one of the top hospitals in the country and sadly, i was not accepted. they told me they were looking for nurses who have experience from tertiary hospitals in manila.

i tried to defend my ego by saying that i came from a JCI hospital like them and by the way, a specialty hospital for cardiac, vascular and nervous diseases. i mean the 51st hospital who passed the JCI standards and earlier than them. a hospital which can do at least five open heart surgeries in a day plus another five cases of coronary angiography. a hospital which is the most sophisticated in the northern africa as well as in the other arab countries. i mean, hello?

there was this painful fact that i was discriminated. he did not even give a look to my grades, board rating, seminars and other credentials. i was rejected right then and there. it was difficult for me but i know, these are normal.

i had it before that is why i went to egypt, for there, i was accepted. they trusted me with what i can do. they trusted me to what i can become as a nurse. they trusted me knowing that i will soon learn. the trusted me even if i am not from their own race and religion.

who knew you can be discriminated in your own country? the competition is there and i took notice of that but am i too ordinary for them? i don't want to be extra special here because all i need is a chance. a chance that is far more elusive than erap accepting the fact that he lost in the presidential race.

last monday, i voted for the person i thought will bring the change that this country needs. waiting for more than three hours just to vote is not easy with the extremely humid precinct. i was thinking about the circumstances affecting the filipino nurses. surplus of nurses versus the scarcity of jobs available. there may be jobs overseas but only few are qualified.

unfortunately, my bet did not win. he conceded already and is now moving on. it made me think about the plans of this elected official for us nurses.

when i graduated from college, i had a plan to work in any of these hospitals: pgh, heart center and kidney center. i might also take my masters degree and study spanish at the instituo cervantes. take nclex and after finishing my contract, go to the u.s. but not a thing happened as i wanted it to be. it was so heartbreaking not given a chance in your own country. worst, being denied of that chance just because there are some people who have the "rightful" connections to those involved in the recruitment process.

hospitals here take advantage of the surplus of nurses. not hiring just so they can have our services for free. they have also come up with a lot of tactics to further increase their income from us hopeless nurses by conducting trainings and other seminars of which will not even count should we apply to them since the padrino system is still at work.

just watch this video of an interview to a former philippine nurses association president regarding the abuse of the filipino nurse.



for the time being, i will not set my eyes for local employment and i guess this is my destiny for now. i have to move on.

No More Pata Tim

while i was eating pata tim with "some" servings of steamed rose, chef rosebud and rich herrera were cooking cod with papaya sauce on the tv.

cool isn't it? i was eating chunks of fat and a lot of carbohydrates while the two celebrities were eating the healthy stuff. seriously, my life needs change. drastic changes.

these thoughts were actually stimulated by nam's comment that i have so much baggage. knowing that what he said is true inside and out (belly included), i thought i really need a change. yes change for the nth time.

the capacity to change is affected by a lot of variables. i can name some which, undoubtedly, delivered their significance in my life. when i said significance, it is not exclusive to being a good thing. a lot them actually are negative in their own nature as i have yet to fully touch them.

desire, time, effort and money. all these have come to take their parts in my pursuit towards change. desire was always with me. when things get rough, desire comes to me and reminds me that a change is needed and to make it come true, i have to stick with her. desire holds my heart so close that i envision myself always in a new environment where change is happening.

time? i have all the time in the world. how about for effort? there is some i guess but until money does not come around, my efforts will be very vague to see. so the solution? a job. i really need a job so i can have the money to mobilize my desire to efforts with the time given to me.

take for example, my weight issue. i have been overweight since puberty hit me. a lot of factors to be considered in this one. my mom's unconscious way of kapampangan cooking plus the unavailable facilities for getting active. growing up, i was discouraged not to be active in sports as it will be bad for my studies so now, i am that person nearing obesity. the desire and effort is there. dying with the diseases my patients had really makes me go radically clean in living. i read a lot of magazines and books about fitness. i walk everyday for more than an hour and sometimes run if my body permits to. i do some exercises when i wake up.

but until i can hit the gym and prepare my food on my own, my dream of a rich herrera-body will be far from reality. don't forget, i need to have a job first.

i guess need to exchange my pata tim for now.

The Wrongful Path

"I really thank God that he has never led me to a wrongful path towards my success. :-)"

those were his words for me after i asked him how he was, for again, i am bugging him for his help. yes, this is all about getting the papers done for u.k. so i have to come back again to my roots in egypt.

do you think i am just being too sensitive with his words that i took them as "parinig" to my current situation and all the other decisions that i took? i don't know but one thing is clear now. i think i will never ask help from him again. he has helped me in the past and thank you for that. but in the past, he was also one of those people who would spill the details of a secret you told him to keep. for his mouth remains to be a land mine waiting to explode anytime should anyone step on him.

but, i did not pay attention to that. i was desperate before.

you see, i have given up hope to this thing. i wanted to move on and have the closure that i wanted. i actually told my parents about this and to their determination, they said they will give it a try. for the last time, i hope so. i felt actually embarrassed about my reaction and attitude. i have given up already. but my parents, unwilling to accept the fact that all the money spent were unsure of being wasted or turned into more gold, thought it was time to use the real egyptian connection. we will be asking help from egyptians who are actually in cairo.

i hope it will work. and if it doesn't, i hope i will know it as soon as i can. for months, this supposed-to-be opportunity has kept me stressed, worried and fearful of tomorrow. and it is not exactly a dream come true in this case.

friends will be friends, doing best what they can. giving talks and encouragements. even the necessary laughs i needed. benj told me to move on and set my eyes to other options while giving a try this last and very long shot. nam told me to give it a time frame. so yes, until the end of this month.

and by the end of this month, i may have gone to every monastery or every church begging help from God. jonah's uncle told her as well that my luck is not found here in the philippines so i might stick to that as i have made the rounds with all of the hospitals' websites and phone lines in manila. and unsurprisngly, no luck.

until then, the waiting game has not yet ended.

Free

i did not bail out.

last minute, i confirmed that i will come. it was just my bruised ego and wounded heart that kept me from going. after all, they are my friends. to be a part of one's success from graduating with a degree in law and a birthday is such a joyous event that i cannot miss. they were with me during my ups and downs so to bail out was not a good idea. besides, what more can they bring into my despondent soul but joy?

that need to be great, to be of somebody, is such a powerful negative force that creates a wall. the wall eventually blocked my path towards redemption and victory. in the last minute, i decided to tear down that wall. because i wanted success and nothing but success.

my efforts to be off the radar and to shut all the gates towards me was just too powerful. but after few minutes of being with them, their infectious laughs and therapeutic stories had their effects on me. in an instant, i knew i was emancipated.

indeed, i am free.

Hula

"masungit siya no? hayaan niyo na lang siya."

at this, he had my ears to listen. to heed for some direction. it was so true that i had to laugh about it. he really got me there. admittedly, i am "masungit." wish i knew why but there are those times that i really wanted to be not that way. it is hard but i hope i will learn.

two days ago was yet again, a day to remember. i could have broke down due to another unforeseeable event that could either give me further delay or worst, rejection to that dream job. calloused, it was a bit fortunate for me not to feel sheer dejection and hopelessness. really wanted to cry but tears were not there. the angst that i would like to exhale through shouts were not doable for me as i have become unattached to all these craziness.

"nag-away sila ng kapatid niya no? dahil dun, may nasabi yung kapatid niya na sana hindi siya makaalis. dapat, magpadasal siya. mag-offer ng kung ano. hindi rin yan nakakatulog. pressured siya. mas maganda rin na umalis muna siya sa bahay para maging fresh ang isip niya. sana mangyari din sa kanya yung dating tumatawag saken. nakaalis siya after 20 days. nadelay din yun dahil ung isang kaibigan niya, sinabihan siya na huwag din makaalis. alisin din muna niya yung laman ng maleta niya. kapag sigurado na yung lahat tsaka siya mag-ayos. basta, magdasal at magoffer siya. bawiin din sana ng kapatid niya yung sinabi niya."

all the more that i wanted to cry. but no. i gave a smile to jonah who relayed all these things to me. toughing up my act, i though of texting benj to offer some prayers for me. maybe quiapo or st clare. sister can also probably do the same as she frequents quaipo.

my fist reaction was to be that bitter and forlorn. i was thinking of hating Him as well but then, a voice told me not to. anyway, it would not help right? me being that despondent would not bring me to anywhere. piles of negative energy will only result and i thought that my current situation brings enough of those shiz.

if there is one thing that i have come to realize is that a change of ways is really necessary. hate, anger and manipulation will not do good. bullying will not as well. what's next then?

It Is What It Is

i am now at a point in my life wherein whatever happens, i can only control how i react to it. as greg house said, it is what it is. the long battle of having to control your emotions for a perceived success and reaching new horizons is just futile. i think it will be but the little hope in me is saying otherwise.

not wanting to sound that i am whining but yeah, i guess i am right now. but, in a unemotional and unattached approach to the shit thrown to me by life. initially, i wanted to cry and shout. then fear crept in until suddenly, i had enough of all the drama. i wanted something, like that of an episode in House MD wherein a psychopath has to admit to her husband all her lies. that expressionless and inability to feel emotions only, not the lying and all other traits. honestly, i am becoming tired and the way i see it, the longer i stay away from these, the earlier i will feel lightened about all the weights thrown upon my shoulders.

much of that comes from expectations that are realistic but in times like this, appear to be gargantuan. i hate these days when i have to admit that i am starting to crumble in near-defeat. there is still that light that i wanted to have with me for eternity but the fear of it being extinguished is magnified to x1,000,000. fuck it. fuck it again. i am tired of trying and trying again. i should have not gotten the thumbs up in the first place. salivating towards all these supposed-to-be greatness is just plain bitchy.

so cheers for me. cheers for yet another epic fail. wait, not yet i believe so but now, i am starting to question my faith and the existence of God. yeah, that organized faith that my family does and the daily morning devotion is not that potent to keep me positive towards all these things. don't judge me. i think i am delayed with this kind of reaction and i just hope in time, i will go back to Him.

Isabela

the week proved to be one of the worst to date. no news yet about the decision. mom is always, well, the mom that i have known. the relatives are still in the house. rain has stopped falling and since then, the humid is killing me. i am not feeling well at all.

much as my friends would listen and motivate me, i cannot seem to find the change of heart. nothing seems to be going on my way. but, i have decided to end it all. the negativity. the hate.

but in order to do this, i need to get out of my box. i guess, i will need the fresh environment of isabela.

4-5. Light

as much as i tried to keep up with what i used to do months before, i failed. so now, i am taking the time to rectify it. to this, i have asked myself the very salient thing that has caught my attention. or the point that i have to absorb and implement in my system.

the past nights were all but bright. i mean starry bright. rain poured over the last two days and i could not be more happy sleeping without sweating much. last night was one of the darkest nights i had. moody, upset and strangely, i was irritable. i should be happy since it rained and knowing that the batch did not leave. but i was not.

i now say, let there be light in my life.