Fear and the Future

thank you the berry...

Begin Again

it took me almost a month to write something new here.  iniisip ko, wala naman bago saken. i'm still here. i think i was just caught up with reading books, watching movies and some cool t.v. series plus trying to get fit.

as you might have noticed, i stopped counting the days dito sa blog.  however, i try to forgive myself from time to time for trying to calculate just how many days are left before i leave.  i just want to enjoy the days and making them matter instead of waiting for that day when i will start a new life.

with that, i think i might have read at least 12 books. they are mostly about financial literacy and some inspirational non-fiction ebooks.  included are some romance novels which i don't shy away from admitting since the marked men series by jay crownover was really good.  i decided to plan for my financial health as well.  i also got myself some books about some famous men and their lives.  

almost everyday, tumatakbo ako but the thing is, i believe tumaba na ako.  between reading and jogging at night, lalo ata lumakas ang gana ko sa pagkain.  i want to get fitter and i want to prepare myself for the great days coming ahead.  

safe.  boring.  routine,  some words to describe my life right now but i am okay with it.  not entirely happy but as the year ends, i know i can begin again.

72: Nang Dahil sa Wedding

naghahabol ako sa mga posts ko ngayon.  ilang araw ang lumipas nang hindi ko namalayan.  all of a sudden, parang bumilis yung paghila ko sa bawat araw para dumaan.  

i attended a wedding last saturday and it was just beautiful.  a lot of good friends were there and those people that i had the privilege to work with before.  masaya.  nakakatuwa.  higit sa lahat, nawala ang sumpa ng pagiging single sa aming magkakaibigan.  which brings me to this fear that i have, na bukod tanging ako lang ata ang nakatakdang tumandang mag-isa.  

hindi naman actually nakakapagtaka kung sakali.  sa kapatid ni mama, tatlo sa kanila ang matandang dalaga. kay daddy, isa ang matandang dalaga.  may mga pinsan din si mama na wala pang asawa: dalawa.  sa kapatid naman ni lola ay tatlo- isang matandang dalaga at dalawang matandang binata.  kaya nga natatakot ako kay ate kasi trenta na siya at wala pang asawa.  gusto ko na siyang mag-asawa pagka-alis ko.  alam ko naman na hinihintay lang niya na makapag-abroad ulit ako.  buti na lang at may boyfriend siya.

sa mga kaibigan ko mula sa trabaho, lahat naman sila ay nagkaroon ng seryosong relasyon.  ako? isa.  hindi pa matino.  pumasok lang sa relasyon para maranasan na magkaroon ng jowa.  all for the wrong reasons.

madalas, i find myself alone.  either by fate or by choice, panigurado yun.  hindi ko rin alam kung dahil lumaki ako na self-reliant that i hardly depend on somebody else.  na dapat kayanin kong mag-isa.  but you know, it can get lonely at times.  kahit gaano kadalas kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na okay lang ako, hindi pa rin.  meron lang din sigurong hangganan kung ano ang kaya ko.

sa mga lumipas na araw, nagdownload ako ng maraming ebooks at mga pelikula.  i was reminded again that i need to stop looking for that someone and just focus in becoming the better me.  magugulat ka na lang daw na by doing these things, darating na rin siya.  taliwas naman ito sa sinasabi ni yash na dapat i have to be in the scene and that i need to throw myself into the ocean.

nakakalito.  iniisip ko na lang na lilipas din ang mga araw na nag-iisa ako.

73: Full Circle

74: Mantra

75: Baby Steps

today, i made a decision to invest in my future.  i just wanted to stop the cycle of working all my life for nothing.  i want to get out of the rat race and live comfortably.  

at 63, my dad is still looking for work overseas.  i wanted him to retire and rest.  but in reality, our current financial status says otherwise.  my sister is basically the breadwinner in our family.  while i am on my own, i get to contribute to the utilities once in a while.  pero hindi ito madalas.  my brother, the older of the twins, recently started work.  ok naman.  nakakatulong na rin kahit papano.  kaso hindi pa rin sapat.

you cannot blame me why i wanted to leave the country and work overseas.  i wanted a comfortable life for all of us but i guess baby steps for now.

76: Taking It Slow

77: Never Again

78: Off

off!

as i type this, nakapagmall na ako at nakakain ng nasa oras.  mamaya, magpapamassage ako.  then matutulog ng walang alarm ang phone.  i never felt so relaxed ngayong wala na akong patient.  walang iniisip na bed bath.  walang pagbibigay ng gamot.  walang pagbabantay sa mga sandali na gigising siya para magbanyo.

the past nights, dumaan lang sila.  i was just waiting for those shifts to finish.  i tried to read and to study but the body is weak.  nakakaantok.  no amount of coffee can perk me up.  so eto, nagsisimulang magbasa at mag-aral.  tambak pa ang mga ebooks na babasahin ko.  

gosh.  i am just writing nonsense here.  will try to write better now that i finally found my inspiration to write better...

79: Last Duty

Last duty ko ngayong gabi.  After nine nights, matatapos na to.  As a nurse, there is nothing more fulfilling seeing your patient recover fully.

Knowing that you played a part in his healing, all of the hard work, frustrations and sleep deprivation e nawawala.

Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin sa off ko.  Sleep is one.  Pamasahe din siguro ng katawan.  Maybe I will swim kapag may time. 

For now, I will just enjoy everything.

80: Kaya

Pangwalong gabi ko na sa duty ngayon.  Dati, bawal ang tatlong night na sunud sunod sa duty.  Kahit walong oras yun kada shift, iniiwasan pa rin nila.  Nakakapagod kasi.  Well, nakakapagod din naman ang morning at afternoon shifts.  Pero, iba ang duty sa gabi.  Oo nga at konti ang nagrorounds na doctor at konti ang orders pero ang tulog ang kalaban mo.

Kaya ko naman pala.

81: Gratitude

We can be your friend.  We can be your advocate.  We can be your human towel.  We feed you.  We wipe your tears and even your sweat. 

We can sit with you and listen to your rants and secrets even if we have five pages of doctor's orders.  We try to accommodate all of your requests including finding a phone charger or getting the number of a restaurant even if we have to admit another patient.

We do a lot of things for you.  That includes your family, relatives or just plain visitors.  We juggle a lot of tasks just to care for you.  We deny ourselves a minute of rest, a glass of water and even the privilege of going to the bathroom.

There are no room for mistakes in what we do.  We go to work early but we get home two-four hours beyond our shift.  We are expected to know everything.

With all these tasks and the roles that we perform, we are left unappreciated most of the time. The doctors usually get all the glory.  Our work is undervalued as evidenced by our salary.  

So for you to really acknowledge my hard work and the things that we have to do for a meager salary, thank you. It really means a lot that you take notice of our integral part in your healing process.  More than the compensation, your words make me want to continue with my profession.

Thank you.

82: Of Sleep and Compromise

Mukhang nakukuha na ng katawan ko ang kailangan na maging gising kapag gabi.  Ito ang ikalimang araw na duty ako for twelve hours.

Sa umaga, parang lumulutang na ang pakiramdam ko.  Out of all these things, happy naman ako na may naiipon ako at may panggastos.  There are just some things that you need to compromise.

Naisip ko lang, ano pa kaya ang kaya kong icompromise for the sake of happiness o kahit for love.  I'll find out soon...

83: Panda

Ilang araw nalang, isang panda na ang magiging kamukha kk.  Sa mga dark circles around my eyes, magiging madali para ma-achieve ko ito.

Ang hirap kumita ng pera.

84: Looking Back

85: Shortened

Mukhang hindi na magtatagal ang aking pagpupuyat at pagiging on-call. I have decided that my current patient will be my last.  Tama na muna.  Magpapahinga muna ako.

Naconfirm ko rin kahapon ang ilang detalye sa pag-alis ko.  It seems that my 106 days of waiting and preparation are too many.   Mapapaikli ang lahat.  

For now, tiis muna sa pagpupuyat mula sa pagbabantay ng isang maysakit.  

86: And Another Truth

87: True

88: On Call

All day long, I have been waiting for a text if I will have a case tonight.  As a private duty nurse, lagi kang on-call.  Ok lang naman sana if not for the times that I am here in pampanga.  Hindi naman ako agad makaluwas kaya minsan tumatanggi na lang ako for some patients.

Nang magalas siete na kanina, tumatawag ang isang pdn asking me kung nasan na ako.  At yun na nga ang nangyari, ako ang hinhintay but the thing is, I cannot act on my own.  Dadaan pa rin lagi sa approval ng coordinator which I did.  So that makes me clear from any blunder or anumang inconvenience.

Sabi ng dati kong kasama sa trabaho, ang ambivalence ko towards work as a pdn maybe due to the fact na ang environment ko e nasa dati paring workplace.  Tsaka hindi pa natatapos ang isang buwan na ngresign ako, nagtatrabaho na ulit ako.

Sinabi ko kay ate na gusto ko nang tumigil bilang pdn.  Hindi ko gusto ang pagiging on-call.  Ok lang naman sa kanya ang kaso nga lang, i have to make sure na wala na akong aberya sa pag-alis ko pa-u.k.  To do that, kailangan ko lang pumunta sa agency then i will stop working as a pdn.

So tiis muna sa paminsang minsan n pagtatalak ni mudra.  Pati na rin ang sunday church service kina lola.  Wala na rin akong kawala sa pasko at new year.  

Ieenjoy ko na lang ang paghihintay.  Sa mga panahon na ito, natutuwa ako sa oras na nakakapagbasa ako.  Even the night runs that i take.  Walang iniisip.  Walang pinoproblema.  Walang due na gamot.  Walang due turning of position.  Walang relatives na pakikisamahan.  Walang iv fluids na papalitan.  Walang bedbath.  Walang diaper change.  Walang doctor na magrorounds.  Walang pagpupuyat sa pagbabantay ng maysakit.

89: Cycle

save.  read.  study.  run.  swim.  swing.  clean.  fix.  file.  collect.  write.  meet.  pay.  then repeat.

90: Invisible

He wanted to disappear.

He wanted to leave the zone and just be himself.  He thought of the possibilities.  He loved the idea of new things, new places and new people.  It's like he has to be new as well.

But for now, he has to wait.  He has to remain visible in a world that treats him as invisible.

91: Most Liked

And another list...

92: Letter to Self on a Friday Night

hey!  it's friday night and here you are at a computer shop watching youtube videos of bulldogs, volleyball matches and episodes of the voice usa.  

first, do not be sad for being alone.  you are not lonely.  those two words are different.  you probably know this fact by this time.  i like that you give more value to yourself and that you do not tie it to other people or to things.  yes it can be really lonely at times but the fact that you are trying to enjoy yourself leads to a better you and hopefully, to meeting someone.

second, take time to enjoy things while you can and you have the ability to do so.  like what you did when you craved for a burrito and you walked from legarda to dapitan just to have it.  or when you just had to read from your ebook reader for three hours because you are really having a great time.  even when you had 50 pesos on your wallet, you still made ways to enjoy and not wallow in self-pity.

third, there is no use for you to regret.  learn from every mistake.  rise up from every challenge.  take a 360-degree view of the situation even when you can't knowing that God will provide it to you later.  always move forward and never forget the lessons from the past.

fourth, stop demeaning yourself.  you are good.  even better for some people's standards.  NEVER FORGET THIS.  give yourself some privilege to believe in your goodness and your ability to achieve.  stop covering your talents and what you can do.  do not be afraid to take responsibilities because of these things.  these are ways that will make you a better person.  accept your true self and then you can finally soar.

fifth, learn to appreciate.  thank other people and appreciate them when they give you compliments.  open your eyes to the goodness of other people.  believe in the goodness of other people but know your limits.  thank other people for the help given to you and thank your friends.

lastly, take care of your self.  i really like that you are still swimming whenever you can.  be happy that you can now complete 1000 meters in a span of one hour and 30 minutes.  that is a great achievement for you since you started swimming last september.  you just have to keep working on your form and your stroke.  but hey, you will get there.  also, i like that you religiously run whenever you are in pampanga and you cannot swim.  i like that you are paying more attention to you diet and that you like to move more by walking whenever you can.  i like that you give attention to you skin and hair.  swimming can bring damage to these parts of your body and these are usually noticed immediately by people.  

i love that you are giving more time to yourself- to enjoy life, to improve, to be healthy and just to be better at anything and everything.  so hey, do not be sad that you are alone on a friday night.  things will get better for you soon.  you just have to be ready...

93: Surfer

94:Stop Doing List

thank you the berry...

95: Weird

kakatapos ko lang basahin ang eleanor and park ni rainbow rowell.  nagustuhan ko ito hindi gaya ng isa pa niyang akda na fangirl. 

i think nakarelate ako sa pagkakaroon ng imperfections ng mga bida.  hindi mayaman.  hindi sobrang guwapo at maganda.  hindi rin makapangyarihan.  may totoong struggles sa buhay.  may totoong problema na kinakaharap.  

naramdaman ko yung pag-iyak nila nung magpaalam sa isa't isa.  i felt that their love was at its purest form.  so much respect and so much dignity.

i've been asking nam to stop making me sad dahil sa mga kuwento niya tungkol sa isang tao na parang nasa kanya na ang lahat.  everything that i am not, andun lahat sa taong iyon.  everything that i wanted to have or do, andun din sa kanya or nagawa na niya.

i am a little bit emotional now with all that is happening to me right now.  pero, marami rin naman akong narerealize sa ngayon...  madami naman din akong nakikitang chances para baguhin ang buhay ko. 

 i'm weird like elanor and park but i am liking it now.

96: Power

namiss ko ang isang araw na pagbablog. kung bakit, hindi ko na lang sasabihin ng buo.  it started with a friend at nagsabing medyo wrong move ang pagreresign ko.

yes nadelay ako at well, i'm short on money.  walang trabaho but i know i am going to somewhere better than my previous job.  when i thought na tanggap ko na, she just had to rub it in my face.

then ang backpay ko na ten years bago marelease.  matapos kang magserve sa kanila nang maayos, heto ang gagawin nila sayo.  alam ko na i should not give them the chance to make me feel like shit.  for one, i dumped them and this should be enough.

good thing, my good old friends came to the rescue.  dinner with them and a lot of catching up.   so ngayon, hindi ko na bibigyan ng power ang ilang tao na sirain ang mood ko.  

97: Besty

something i need right now...

98: Change of Heart

Opo, binabawi ko na yung sinabi ko sa previous post ko...

99: Gift

i bought myself an ebook reader.

napagod na ang mata ko sa pagbabasa sa mobile phone ko o kaya sa pagadjust ng settings kapag nasa laptop. hindi naman high-end ang binili ko.  iyong tama lang para makabasa ng maayos na walang distractions.

i think it was brought about by the frustration na para akong isda na nasa lupa.  out of job and my friends are all at work while others are based overseas, i kinda felt lonely.  i only have the books with me.  kailangan ko na ata ng jowa...

100: Progress

101: Not Too Late

102: Getting Lost with Books

i've been reading a lot lately.  mapa-wattpad o mga books na dinowload ko, i try to devour them as a hungry man.  isa na siguro ito sa mga perks ng pagiging jobless.  nanonood din ako ng kung anu ano.  from reruns ng mga paboritong tv series sa mga instructional videos sa paglangoy pati na rin sa mga medical topics mula sa youtube.

in a way, it is working.  i get to clear my mind from worries or mga thoughts na hindi naman nakakatulong sa totoo lang.

my friend aimz taught me a prayer.  to pray that my fears and worries be removed from my heart and mind.  simple but effective.  i can say that for the past few days, i sleep better and i feel better.  nawawala ang anumang trace ng depression.

i was about to sleep last night when i got an email.  ito yung email na pinakahihintay ko for the past few months.  finally, dumating na ang decision letter ko so anytime pwede na akong umalis kung may intake lang ng trainess.  i am happy.  pero hindi buo.  siguro dahil nalate ito ng dating?  or i just dont care enough sa mga oras na to dahil na rin hindi ko na siya masyadong iniisp. 

we will see kung ano mangyayari the next few days.  in the mean time, magbabasa muna ako

103: Period of Waiting

how do you enjoy the period of waiting?

today, nagpatuloy ako sa pagbabasa ng book ni malcolm gladwell.  medyo scientific ang approach niya sa pagtalakay sa mga bagay na very social ang nature.  may apat pang libro na siya rin ang may akda ang tinatarget kong basahin.  nandiyan pa pala ang game of thrones series na binili ko online.

siyempre, i am still on the the ecg book trying to find the inspiration to continue reading it.  naisip ko, why not improve both my physical and intellectual side?  pwede namang pagsabayin. kung mapapansin niyo, iba ito sa nakaraang post ko na pagpapabuti lang ng pisikal na anyo.  ang dahilan?  ang mga kuwento ni nam na labis na nagtulak upang huwag manatili sa kung ano ako ngayon.

simula noong biyernes, patuloy akong tumatakbo kapag gabi.  with some music and a resolve to be active, i try to sweat it out and drown my worries with it.  ayokong malunod sa mga nakakapraning na diwa kaya sila na ang lulunurin ko sa pamamagitan ng pagiging positibo.

kanina, may email akong natanggap mula sa aking agent.  may kulang daw sa mga papeles ko pertaining to my medical exam.  well, it was not my fault but her counterpart dito sa pilipinas.  nagkibit balikat na lang ako at tumakbo.

wala pa rin akong decision letter as of the moment.  kung dumating man ito ngayon, wala namang intake ng mga trainees so january pa daw ang alis ko.  partly, hindi ko pa tanggap ang katotohanan na to.  for some, maswerte daw ako dahil makakapagpasko at new year pa ako dito.  oo nga naman masaya iyon pero in between those holidays and dun sa mga normal na araw, isang malaking nganga ang aking ginagawa.

so here i am, trying to do what i can do in the period of waiting.  hindi ko pa naeenjoy ang paghihintay pero pinipilit ko.

104: Meant to Be

105: Shallow

magiging superficial nako.  magiging shallow na rin.  aminin natin, sa mundong ito, looks do really matter.  it is like you are two steps ahead kahit ikaw ay hindi naman ganon katalino o kagaling.  sa school, sa trabaho at pati na rin sa pag-ibig- this world really gives a high premium for those blessed with looks.

unless magparetoke ako, i know i can never have it.  but i can start improving on my body.  idamay na din ang pag-iisip.  i will try for the nth time to really live with a positive outlook and to ditch those that will not make me happy.  i will nurture relationships that make me a better person.

aalisin ko na rin ang sarcasm, ang angst, ang pag-iisip na lahat ay may ulterior motive at ang hindi paglalagay ng sunblock kapag magswiswimming. lahat ng ito ay nakakadagdag sa wrinkles.  

all these efforts are being made to make myself look good in my own operational definition.  basta yun na yun.  i feel na ang galing ay nakukuha din naman.  ang talino makukuha sa pagbasa at mga karanasan sa buhay pero mahirap iachieve ang maging fabulous.

i want to be fresh.  i want to be fit and i want to be the best that i can bago pa marating ang day 106.  hindi ko na siya hihintayin as if doon lang nakabase ang aking kaligayahan.  i will make it now and will just treat it as an icing to the cake.

106 Days

binilang ko ang araw bago sumapit ang araw na pinakahihintay ko.  106 days kung tama ang aking bilang.  mahaba din yun.  maraming pwedeng mangyari sa panahong iyon.

isang buwan nga lang ang lumipas mula nang magresign ako, tinamaan ako ng iba't ibang damdamin.  i was depressed, hopeless, bored, excited, anxious and inspired.  para na akong baliw.  i cannot stop thinking when it will be or if it will ever come.  kung matutuloy nga ba ang mga naset ko nang goals sa buhay through working overseas.

sabi ko nga kay nam lagi na lang may aberya.  pero matalinhaga niyang sinabi sa akin na dadating din iyon pagdating ng panahon ayon sa pantas na si aiza siguerra.  how profound!  pero sige.  aaliwin ko na lang ang sarili ko.  i will try to be at my best bago dumating ang 106th day.  i will try to be more productive and be better at my body.  at oo, susubukan ko ang napagtagumpayan ni nam noon- ang sumulat araw araw.  subalit sa version ko, susubukan kong sumulat araw araw sa loob ng 106 days.

i know it is a kind of defense mechanism.  trying to distract myself from the pressing issue but i want to keep my sanity that is why i am doing this.

106 days starting today.

From Now On

Of Current Mood

kakatapos ko lang ng apat na araw na duty bilang private duty nurse.  ok naman siya.  mas magaan actually compared sa mga trabaho sa loob ng ccu.  hawak ko ang oras lalo na kung hindi naman gising ang pasyente mo.

ang itinuturing kong pinakamalaking hurdle?  ang bedbath.  lalo na kapag bedridden ang patient at hindi ganon kabibo ang buddy nurse mo o nursing aide.  at ang tulog nga pala.  medyo hirap lang dahil sunod-sunod na dose oras ang shift mo.

well-compensated ka naman sa trabahong ito.  konting p.r. sa relatives at magkakasundo kayo.  wag mo na ring problemahin ang kakainin mo.  

pero sa totoo lang, nadedepress ako.

october na ngayon.  lumipas ang birthday ko dito sa pilipinas at hindi sa bansa na kung saan ako magtatrabaho gaya nang nakasulat sa listahan ng mga dapat kong magawa.  masaya naman ako sa kaarawan ko.  really.  i had dinner with my family and i went to church.  it was simple and i felt loved.

sa trabaho ko ngayon, makailang beses ko nang narinig ang "o diba paalis ka na?"  alam ko naman na aalis ako.  may kontrata na at lahat liban sa isang importanteng dokumento na hinihintay ko.  kapag naririnig ko to, may kung anong kurot sa puso ko.

i know i should never question Him.  my mind is just so limited that i cannot fathom how His mind works but in my limited capacity, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong.  

this is just temporary.  i know things will change pero bakit nga ba ang hirap maghold on sa mga katotohanang ito?

i guess i just need to swim more to shake these off...

Historical

historical, hindi hysterical.  yup, imbes na maging hysterical ako sa nangyari, i choose to be historical.

in 2003, i transferred to feu from dlsu.  i changed my course as well.  isang 360 degrees na pagbabago.  from the school hanggang sa inaaral ko.  nahuli ako ng isang taon mula sa batch mates ko sa high school.  imbes na four years, umabot ako ng five years.  pagsapit ng 2006, lumabas ang scandal sa leakage ng nurses' licensure examination.  marami akong mga kaibigan at kaklase ang naapektuhan nito.  dahil nahuli ako ng isang taon, naligtas ako sa scandal.

in 2008, nainterview ako for a work sa egypt.  nakapasa ako along with other applicants na naging kaibigan ko din.  i know that i was among the first applicants na nakapasa.  so i waited for my departure.  april may nakaalis na unang batch.  mayo may umalis ulit.  hindi na naman ako nakasama. june at august may umalis ulit.  naiwan pa rin ako.  at sa pagkahaba-haba ng paghihintay ko, nakaalis din ako ng september nung taon na iyon.   inayawan ako ang magtrabaho sa medical city at that time since i signed the contract for egypt when the offer came.  yes there were doubts.  probably regrets din.  pero by the time na nakarating kami ng egypt, we had a choice where to be assigned.  and so na-assign ako sa critical care unit. it was the best start for my nursing career.  intensive care unit agad and i had to practice it in a very different and difficult setting.  siguro kung napa-aga ako, baka na-assign ako sa general unit.  okay lang naman pero it was better at the critical care.

in 2009, nagtry ako sa u.k. after kong mag-egypt.  nakapasa na ako sa interview.  may visa na.  ticket na lang ang ipapabook kapag lumabas na ang decision letter ko na okay na ako para mag bridging program.  biglang hiningi ang registration details ko sa egypt which hindi ko naibigay dahil sa baluktot na pamumuno.  naiwanan ako for u.k. and i was back to zero.  five years na ang mga kasama ko sa application noon.

in 2010, i was working as a quality analyst.  wala sa bedside.  i was doing work outside of nursing.  after a year, nag-apply ako sa libya.  bedside nurse ako dun.  intensive care unit din.  nakapasa na ako sa interview na pinilahan ko for 10 hours.  tiniyaga ko yun.  pumasa na rin ako sa medical exam at nakapag-process ng papers.  two weeks before my payment for the placement fee, sumabog ang giyera sa libya.  hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos ang gulo.

ngayong 2014, sumubok ulit ako na mag-apply na maka-abroad.  reference letter naman ang problema ko.  dahil dito, nahuli na naman ako.  flight kanina ng mga kasama ko dapat papuntang u.k.  hindi muna ako nagbukas ng facebook.  aaminin ko, nasasaktan ako.  lalu na at nag-eexpect ako na magbibirthday doon pero hindi na naman tuloy. 

nag-apply ako kaninang magprivate duty nurse nang malibang at may pagkakitaan.  makakapagswimming din ako kung nagkataon.  nilibang ko ang sarili ko.  kahapon, nanood ako ng sine, yung the maze runner na nabasa ko na.  tinapos ko din ang if i stay.  at heto, nagsisimulang mag-aral sa pamamagitan ng youtube.

naisip ko, ang dami ng pagkakataon na yung mga delay at aberya ko, they all resulted into something better.  kung hindi man ako nailigtas sa giyera, scandal o sa pangit na lugar, alam ko na may dahilan lahat and this is not me rationalizing the events that happened.  nagpapakatotoo lang at nagpapakahistorical.

Short

hindi ako aabot.  hindi rin ako aalis this month.  there, i said it.

thanks to ryan, i got the one thing that i need right now- the painful dose of reality that i will not celebrate my birthday in another country  and for that, i feel for my parents.  again.  i feel like their hopes are being crushed again and again sa mga paasang pangyayari sa buhay ko.

i know hindi naman final to as compared dun sa nangyari sakin before.  it can be solved.  it is just that nagmamadali siguro ako and that i'd like to take these matters in my own time frame.  medyo excited siguro to experience new things but the timing is not right pa.   

i'll wait.  i will grab the chance to learn new things.  i'll continue swimming.  i'll probably work as a reliever for private duty nurses so i will still have an income.  then, i might travel to a new place kapag may konting naipon but i will definitely enjoy my birthday here...

Baliwag Festival

hi!

wala pa ring update sa hinihintay ko and my mind is starting to think like a mentally-ill patient would do.  natatakot.  nangangamba.  pano nga ba gagawin ko nito?

sa paglagi ko sa bahay,  tumaba ako.  after swimming for two straight weeks, mukhang mawawala ata lahat yung pinagpaguran ko.  so kanina, i started to run.  it felt like i am running away from my current situation.  parang gusto ko lang makawala at wag munang isipin kung ano naghihintay saken.  i felt relieved for that more or less one hour of physical activity.  there was nothing on my mind but to run and work my ass off.  same with the things that are scrambled on my room.  andyan pa rin yung mga gamit sa manila.  sobrang gulo lang ng room ko.  a part in me says that i have to finish cleaning the room in preparation ko sa pag-alis sa sept. 18 but the other part tells me to be realistic.  na baka hindi naman ako makasama so might as well put it off muna to free my mind from that nagging thought.

naisip ko, nagiging cycle na lang ang career ko.  mababakante pagkatapos makakahanap ng trabaho.  magtatrabaho nang saglit at aalis para makapagtrabaho sa mas magandang posisyon.  mag-aapply at siyempre,  laging magkakaroon ng aberya.  can somebody just make my applications easier?  sa totoo lang naiinis na ko.  lagi na lang ganito.  my family just want a simple life.  comfortable.  healthy.  debt-free and worry-free.  ganun lang naman.  hindi na kami nangangarap ng magandang kotse.  basta gumagana lang.  enough finances to buy healthy foods, vitamins and supplements to my aging parents and some extra to have candy her well-deserved grooming.

tsaka na yung mga out-of-town trips at bakasyon.  okay medyo bad vibes ako this monday.  sorry.  hindi maiwasan.  bukas, dead na deadine na talaga.  waahhhh!
 

Of Fears and Control

This is me at Mt. Pulag last May. You see, I have this fear of heights.  Aside from my fear of snakes and frogs pati pala large bodies of water.  Yung tipong puro tubig lang makikita mo. But yes, umaakyat ako ng bundok.  Mahilig din akong magpunta ng beach at magbabad sa tubig.  Like this:

Ang labo diba?

Bukas hanggang Martes, I will wait for something that is going to change my life. Nagresign na ako sa work ko to make an upgrade sa career.  Until now, naghihintay pa rin ako for my decision letter na pwede na akong magbridging program sa pupuntahan ko.  If lumabas na yung decision by Tuesday or bukas, makaka-alis na ako sa Sept. 18. If not, malamang sa november na. 

Sa mga ganitong bagay, lagi na lang may aberya.  Lagi na lang akong may ginagawang extra para lang matupad ang mga pangarap ko.  I never had the easy route sa alin mang endeavor ko sa buhay.  Madalas, gusto kong magtanong kung bakit.  Why does it has to be this way? Why does it feels like someone is trying to make me not achieve my dreams?  Bakit kailangang maghirap muna.

Well, hindi ko pa rin alam ang mga sagot but there is only one thing na natutunan ko sa pagpunta sa mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.  Sa mga bundok na inakyat ko o sa dagat na nilangoy ko, God's creations show beauty and order. They reflect that my Lord has control over all things.  Even ang pagdating ng decision letter ko.

I guess my fears are lesser than my desire to witness His greatness.  

Day 2

hi!  i am home and officially unemployed day 2.  to be honest, i just do not know how to spend my days now.

well,  should be fixing my things now.

Great Things are Coming

it's been so long.  i know.  but soon i will be back.  starting now.  was just busy with work and trying to better my life.

great things are coming. :-)

Death

let us talk about death.

as someone who deals with death at work, i realized a lot of things.  for one, death knows no one.  you could be rich.  you could be an american, japanese, italian, filipino or whatever race.  you could be the president of a country.  you could be a national artist.  you could be a housekeeper.  you could be a person who does no vice and eats the right kinds of food.  you could be a religious person who prays everyday.  you could be a doctor.  however, death will surely come to you.

death chooses no time as well.  it strikes whether you are ready or not.  it comes whether you have settled your grudges with someone.  it surprises you.  sometimes, it is kind to you allowing time for you to prepare.  it knows no occasion or special dates.  it could be christmas or new year.  

lastly, death changes everything.

Plateau

okay.

i am doing this- blogging.  for some reason, my energy has been low.  motivation almost non-existent.  it is as if my life is on a standstill.  no, probably on a plateau.  i know what i want but somehow, i do not do anything to get it.  there is no excitement.  there is no thrill.  could it be my hormones?  or, my lack of actual personal relationships?

recently, i have tried tinder.  initially, i just wanted to try what my friends are telling me.  but i am liking it now.  one question from a match at the application asked me what i was doing before venturing to tinder and not dating.

gosh.

i could not think of any.  this just proved how boring my life is.  boring in the sense that it is steady.  not much of a roller coaster ride.  i believe there will be a time that things will change.  somebody will come to my life and make a full turn of what i am and what i am doing right now.

thinking of an answer, my life revolves on career and studies.  but now that nothing seems to matter to me, i would like excitement.  for something to make me wake up in the morning full of zest and do amazing things.

i hope this could be the start.

When Pulag Chose Me

at the start of the year, i decided to accomplish some things.

that includes being able to go to three new places.  by may, i was able to see four new places and it includes mt. pulag or as they say the "mountain of the gods."  

i do not earn a lot and to go to these places was a struggle that until now i am facing.  well, i exceeded my budget because of these:

yup, i have reached the highest peak in the island of luzon.  was i scared?  hell yeah!  i thought i was gonna die of fatigue yet we were still at the ranger station and have not started the actual trek yet.  we are not yet talking about the six-hour bus ride from manila to baguio and the four-hour ride from baguio to the jump off site.  

at the beginning, i told myself that i'll bring my things with me during the climb and that i will not hire a porter. but after a twenty-minute "walk" from the ranger station to the jump-off site, i definitely told myself that i badly needed a porter so i can truly enjoy the climb.

i was prepared to join other groups as i registered by myself with a travelling agency.  lo and behold, i met these workmates at the bus station and was totally surprised that we were on the same trip!  yay for friends!

did it rain?  totally.  slept with a wet and cold blanket as the moisture from the rain got inside of our tent. literally felt like a "basang sisiw."  i shivered and was tired from the trip but i was prepared for these things.

this is my prize for reaching the top and working my fat ass.  just beautiful.

in the past, i have told myself to never climb mountains.  i have fear of heights and honestly, i am not that physically fit.  i am lazy and i like eating double rice.  but after reaching the top and see the beauty of God's creation, i begin planning again my next climb.

of all climbs that i did in the past, this has to be the most challenging.  yet, it was also the most beautiful that i had.  i had to endure travelling with a 12-kilo bag that i thought i could manage to bring it with me at the top but realized early on that i could not.  i had to slip a number of times in the muddy paths and had to stop to breathe.  there were times that i could not feel my legs anymore and there were those times also that the cramps that i had made my eyes sweat.

however, i relished on every moment of the climb.  there were no regrets for sure as i  i felt the sacredness of the climb and of my intentions that i will keep to myself.  i never felt more human and more capable.  

thank you for choosing me pulag!

Pulag

been opening my blogger account since yesterday.  i had some spurts of ideas of what to write and what not. so here, i will start with this:

June

hi june.

you have been so good so far.  a surprise off today.  a dinner courtesy of a patient's relative.  a favorable weather.  then, the hillsong concert on the thirteenth.  my tita and dad's birthday.

as i look back of the past five months, i think i am making progress of the things that i want to achieve this year.  except for the weight and the rare times that i get my fat ass work.  for now, i am trying my best to be positive.  and active.

i hope you' ll be good.

Lessons from a PM Shift

tonight i will be on a night shift followed by a rest day then a morning shift.  so yeah, my rest day will be spent on the bed sleeping. but no, i will go home and enjoy my day.  as i have written here, i will spend more time with my family in any way i can.

two days ago, we admitted a patient in our unit.  upon admission, her condition was not stable and so after just more than an hour, she died.  while doing post-mortem care, her daughter told me that she should not have left her mom in her last hour.  she told me her mother was afraid to die and that she never wanted to be left behind.

i did what i had to do and told her that her mere presence here is enough.  then silence.

you see, i sometimes dread going home because of some issues with my family- finances, relatives and anything under the sun.  but growing old, i believe that no one can replace them.

so yeah, spend time with your loved ones anytime you can and always keep in mind that our days our numbered.

All of Me

Today, three people led me to greater realizations. You see, I have avoided standing out academically and professionally. It felt like all I wanted was to cruise my way to what I perceive are my goals. I wanted to be invisible. Somehow ordinary.

But the way I see things now, that desire has brought self-loathing for not maximizing my potentials. If I get unnoticed, it feels like I have something to prove to other people. 

And after all these years, I know that I should start giving all my best. 

Fun

okay, i was kidding.

i had to post now or it will take a lot of energy to fight off my laziness.  so yeah, i have been traveling here and there.  now let me show you where i went last april 26.  again, i was with people from work- new and old colleagues.  batangas was the place and it was the first time i had party under the sun.  one word: fun!

Coming Back

where do i start?

i could start with my trip to calaguas and how i got to meet new friends.  the beautiful island was not embarrassed to show its beauty.  my eyes could not stop staring at its beauty.  the sun was just highlighting the scenic shots that i had on my phone.  case in point, these:

 

 

these friends that i met treated me like their own.  got drunk with them and laughed so hard that i asked myself when was the last time i had so much fun like that .

i could also start with the unit outing to potipot island in zambales.  except for the food poisoning from indulging into too much food, it was a blast.  the laughters, the bonfire night and the trip to this island:

 

well i guess you have an idea now what kept me silent from this blog.  i still have to talk about my trip to batangas and pulag.  

this post will do for now.

My Captain

The past weeks, I have been listening to some podcasts.  As I run, I listen to preachings.  This picture reminded me of a podcast about faith as exemplified by Jesus calming the storm in a lake.  I took this photo after trekking the mountain nearby.  It looks so calm.  So serene.  But having experienced the boat ride going to the island, I knew it is not always this peaceful.  There will be waves.  There will be splashes of water.  It will hurt your eyes.  It will make you scared.

Remembering His goodness and faithfulness, I had peace.  I hope that as I go through life, I will have that peace.  As my Captain, I give You my life.  I entrust my future, my dreams, my hopes and my life.

Lord, You remind me of where I am, what I am, what I need to be and who You are!

Thank you Lord!

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

there are moments in your life when you have to decide on things even if they will put you in uncomfortable places.  there will be risks.  there will also be disappointments.  however, have you ever thought what if none of those risks will happen?  or those disappointments will never come to life? luckily, i decided that i have to go on with the things that i have planned.  even if i will have to go to a new place alone, again.  you know what, it is the best thing that has happened to me this year!

as i write this, i just got back this 2am from calaguas island in camarines norte after travelling for 2 hours by boat and another 8 hours by van.  the boat rides were one of the longest and wildest that i had in my entire life.  in addition, the travel by van has prevented me from sleeping since the roads leading to calaguas were literally like the intestines of a chicken.  hence, the name "bitukang manok."

but as they say, you really have to work hard to be able to achieve greater things in life.  as for the trip, it was all worth it.  here, take a look:

Life List Update 2

1. learn how to swim 
• my instructor just gave up on me.  will find another one soon!  i will jog for now.
2. save
• struggling...  will double my efforts after my vacation leave...
3. travel to 3 new places
• two more to go!  will cross out another one as i will travel to a new one later today.   yay!
4. reach ideal body weight and maintain it thereafter
• done with my annual physical exam and it showed that my BMI is pre-obese.  but hey, i am doing something now.
5. be an expert in ecg reading
• uhmm, still struggling.  i need more time and devotion to it.
6. celebrate my birthday in a different country where i will live
• i have few more months for this...
7. sleep 7-8 hours/ day
• always!  yay!
8. write
• i am trying...
9. read 10 books (at least)

• i have read my third book for this year- the giver.
• more books to read.
10. be the person who i want to meet
11. meet my life partner
12. watch a concert
• will do in june!  yay!
  
13. whine no more
14. expect less
15. talk to friends regularly
16. smile a lot
17. go home with the family with every chance that i have
18. clean the room regularly
19. throw the thrash
20. practice yoga.  or just sun salutations at least

• thanks to simply yoga i can proudly say that my warrior pose is almost perfect hehe.

Seeing Beauty

after not blogging for the longest time, i just don't know how to blog. i mean, where and how do i start? it has been weeks since the last time i have posted here but hey, i will just start.

so this is me trying to blog again. after all, i told Ryan that he should be blogging again. it i just proper that i blog again as well.

work

i really wanted to leave my job and be somewhere else. the compensation and the possibilities that i can have in a different work make me salivate in excitement. but the thing is, i can only hope and pray that the process for its realization be completed in an instant. so i will wait. i will focus my efforts on the things that i can improve on myself. especially, knowledge and skills relating to work. i am trying to enjoy whatever i can.

and Ryan, thank you for the call. it was the call that started it.

health

for two weeks now, i have been jogging. in our lawn and in a nearby sports track. i run very slow but i enjoy the process while listening to a podcast. i always feel great and accomplished. i started doing yoga as well. though not perfect, i like the feeling of doing stretches. i still have to check on my diet though. for now, i believe this is one investment that i can and that i should make.  swimming will just resume in a few months.

relationships

no more besties? i do not know. one thing is for sure, i have made the effort to reach out and to be with them but to no avail. distance even just a few floors from where you work plus the crazy work load can kill friendship.

well, i have to consider that their love life is pretty much solid that i must take the back seat now. thanks to my other colleagues from my original unit, i can be with them. we jog and we eat together. what is more amazing is that we all desire to live in a healthy and positive way.

in a somewhat futuristic approach of seeing things, i enjoy going home to our province more than ever before. i believe that i will truly miss this if ever God allows me again to work overseas in the coming months (wishing, praying and hoping). somehow, we have reached a certain level of maturity that everyone is just accepting our differences.

my life may not be perfect but i see the beauty in it.

Update on the Life List

so for the first month, i read two books, been to a new place and to top it all, was able to reach the crater of mt. pinatubo.

honestly, i feel that i have not achieved a lot.  i am still lazy and out of focus.  i hope in time, things will change.  or probably, i should change.

Trekking the New Year

welcoming this new year by  achieving something great!

last saturday, i have conquered mt. pinatubo.  it was a two-hour trek from the base camp but to go from the base camp, a one-hour bumpy and dusty travel riding a 4x4 is needed.  but everything i have endured was all worth it with the pictures and the experience that i had.

so this year is all about setting goals, working on them and achieving them.  as i have mentioned from my last post, i will try to visit three new places this year.  this is place number one.

as with my experience for the early part of this year, it has been like my trek to pinatubo- challenging, bumpy but worthy.  codes blue and difficult shifts at work, applications and some personal issues, i believe i am getting somewhere so i might as well enjoy the trek.

to 2014, i know that you will be my best year to date!