La Vida es Bella

selfish. the most selfish act as a friend told me. now i know why.

i have seen death with patients' battles ending in my shift. was it ten? maybe twelve and i have stopped counting when i was so numb and indifferent about dying. i have felt it when i almost died in a vehicular accident. but recent events had me writhe with the painful reality: it happens.

when you are buried with so much shit that it seems impossible to get out of it, that is the time not to give up. it is just the perfect opportunity to bounce back and smacking your head with the purpose of giving yourself a scream that you are here for a reason.

it has entered my mind but spinelessness and fear proved to be more potent motivators not to do it. faith has certainly cheered me up amidst all the pain and tears. recent events had me contemplate about the idea but just as the idea comes in, it is being shut to the annals of my stupid history. there are just too many reasons not to do it.

when you leave your loved ones in this way, you are also leaving them with the question why. that question which will remain forever unanswered, is more painful i believe than death itself. grief from death has stages but finding the answer to that question is just impossible as reaching jupiter.

i still had to learn how to swim, play the guitar and travel. i still had to continue for higher education. the high school reunion is not to be missed and my friends' passion for reminiscing the embarrassing and hilarious glorious past is just a shame not to abide to it. the parents still had to be flown all over the philippines and still had to showered with material things they were not given the privilege to have.

yes it is real and it happens as frequent as the news may depict. but, it does not keep me from living the way i want it or God destined it to be. for truly, life is beautiful.

Hopes, Wishes and Prayers

i made a promise to come back here if i already have it. however, the human in me could not keep it.

this ordeal has been bugging me for months now. not that i am complaining but all these times, i am finding myself asking if it is really for me.

i made a bold move. unorthodox, i am really hoping i can pull it off. too many efforts done and too many unsatisfying meals, i say it is better to do it in the way that i know.

there is just so much in me that is hoping, wishing and praying that it will be finished...

Weak

san ba ko nagkulang?

prayers? marami. lahat nalang ng kaibigan, pinakiusapan ko na magpray para saken. mga kamag-anak at kung sino sino pa. napuntahan ko na ang Quiapo Church, ang mga monasteryo ni St. Clare sa Betis, Guagua at Katipunan, St. Jude Church, ung simbahan sa may Bustillos at bukod pa ito sa lingguhang pagdarasal sa aming simbahan kina lola.

hardwork? sobra sobra. naranasan kong maglakad sa kahabaan ng ermita para hanapin ang mga opisina na inaaplayan. bumiyahe ng mahigit tatlong oras para kausapin ang isang tao ng hindi lalagpas sa trenta minutos. kumain ng alas dos ng hapon para sa tanghalian. pagpawisan ng humigat kumulang na isang timba. gumastos nang napakalaki. makiusap at magmakaawa sa mga tao sa ehipto. magexam ulit ng ielts at halos magsuka sa kaba. mainterview sa employer at mawalan ng gana pagkatapos. ilang emails at ilang beses na pagpapafedex. ano pa ba?

ano pa ba ang kulang? gusto kong malaman. ano pa bang dapat kong gawin?

lahat na lang ng mga paraan na sinusubukan ko, laging hindi natutuloy. laging may problema. naghirap naman ako dun a? nagtrabaho ako at ibinigay ang lahat ng makakaya kahit minsan ay naabuso.

hindi ba ako karapat dapat para dito? dahil kung hindi, sana ngayon pa lang malaman ko na kasi masakit ang umasa sa wala. marami na akong pagod, pawis at perang inilaan para dito at hindi ko na alam kung hanggang kelan ko makakaya ang lahat ng ito.

napapagod na ko sa totoo lang at naawa na rin sa hirap na dinaranas ng pamilya ko. isa lang naman ang gusto ko, ang magtrabaho at makatulong sa pamilya. hindi naman siguro makasarili ang hangarin kong to.

maraming beses na rin na tila lahat ng anumang pagtatangkang gawin ko para makapunta sa mas magandang lugar e laging may humaharang. Lord, sabihin Mo lang sakin kung ano bang gusto mM at susunod ako. gusto kong maging faithful sa Yo pero nais kung humingi ng lakas pa para magpatuloy dahil sa ngayon, nanghihina na ako.

Persistence

they might think i never had enough of those difficulties. but i do.

persistence might have saved me this time. after a careful thought of my mistakes in the past, i decided to be persistent to the point of exaggeration. i had to. it is all or nothing for me.

now i have to face the problem in advance. truly, wisdom is all i need to think of a clever way to deal with this.

Babangon Ako at Dudurugin Kita

there was a time when mina was the most popular girl in school. she was adored by all- boys, classmates, schoolmates and the teachers. there was nothing about her that was not favored by the people at school.

perceived to be the prettiest and charming, she was most adored and loved. classmates would fight for her but truth be told, she was manipulative. there should be no one at school to have a bag more beautiful than hers. if she was wearing those blinking boots, everyone who wants to belong to her circle of friends should also wear the same. you should be eating the foods that she eats. if you have something better, she has to have a hand of it.

i was mostly in and out of her group. at first, i started to fit in but i could not just take her standards. the people i surrounded myself later really brought out the best in me at that time. we were not popular but we were genuine to each other. we may not be the best but we worked the hardest. it was then i realized that i hated being on the spotlight. not my cup of tea.

i was in the top ten but not on the top five. i was not really noticed actually. i was always in the shadow. always in the background making mina looked better. however, social science really got my interest and i started reading more.

months later, i was included in the top five. if there was one thing mina cannot top, that was the class standings. jo was just too good to be toppled down by fame and charm. he was a pure genius and still he is up to this days. somehow, i enjoyed belonging at the top and so i stuck to it. i felt good about achieving something and being appreciated but not the type that mina longed for.

on our fifth grade, everything was doing pretty well until one day. mina did not come to school. it continued for many days. for weeks until she was gone. we were all asking ourselves why but no one can answer. what was there were rumors about having to flee the country because her father had to escape paying his debts to certain people.

the star was gone and a sort of balance was finally being achieved. everyone now stood on the same ground. life continued and it was presumed that i will take her place in the class ranking. i did and never looked back. i started studying harder and performing well. i connected more with my classmates and teachers. confidence was coming to play.

i will not deny that her absence had me emerge from my shell. well, thanks to her. after all these years, a lot of us are thinking where could she be in this world. is she still the pretty girl whom everybody adored?

last week, i got a message in one of the social networking sites. it was mina! apparently, she is still alive. she was asking me how i am and she might be going home in the philippines come june. a reunion according to her, would just be fitting for her friends and classmates before. and i was included.

before, she was always commended for her ability to use this language along with jon. now, communicating with me in english? well i can do it also mina. however, i am sorry that i may not be able to attend your reunion. i have a lot of better things to do than to attend your "coming-back" party. besides, you have your loyal friends and in reality, i was not really in your circle.

was i thrilled? thanks but no. seeing her now, in a different light, i would say thank You. God made me realize that He is fair and that there is nothing permanent in this world. even beauty, fame and riches fade. everything changes. all things in life are not meant to be achieved and enjoyed by one. that life has trade offs. that life gives us enough chances to make it big. that life will not leave you empty. that life will come back to you if you blew your chances away.

now, she has to become what i am now: a nurse!

Bubbly

when you realize that there are some things beyond your control, you stop getting frustrated over numerous attempts to make it happen.

well, hello there. i am happy and bubbly!

In One Arena

yet another way to start my day- benj rousing me to pure displeasure.

for weeks, i have been following benj's journey to working overseas. pep talk was not enough so constant reaching out was made. you see, he is easily distracted and tends to forget himself most of the time. as a good friend that i would like myself to be, i always keep him on track.

after a malicious findings on his chest xray, i was waiting for his phone call to help him out with his next steps or probably possible options should this thing shut down on his face. instead, i got a text message asking us his classmates and friends to congratulate another classmate of ours (the one who took up medicine, yes, ang hambog kong kaklase) who graduated with honors. i can understand the pride but i was really worried about him since he sent me a message telling me that he needed my comforting voice so wtf?

that had made me decide to just let him do his own thing come saturday even if we were supposed to meet at the mall. so today, after feeling a bit okay, i sent him an offline message to ask about the progress and soon, we were chatting. again he decided to keep it short about his prospects abroad and i let him do it but to bring sherwin again? he must be kidding me.

telling sherwin that i am bound for u.k. and then commenting that he had no reaction to it, i felt my face flushed. in pure annoyance and exasperation. the reason why i am keeping these things to a select few is to prevent them from expecting and well, telling other people as well. i had to keep it low as this world is already filled with people who are not content on staying in one arena so they had to make the world their own stage.

benj knows every detail of my journey and i would like to do the same thing for him. to make my world the center of his attention is a thing i prevent from happening so every effort is made to reach out to him as well.

joking or not, i felt bad. all my struggles are not a joke. now, i am forced to downsize my world yet again. but not for long.

Vernal Equinox = Equal Chances

one was not enough to make me think that the universe is conspiring against me in a not-so-funny way.

first was from cassie asking for a confirmation if i am included in their batch. second came from abby this afternoon telling me to text her if i am already in the airport. last was an email from raymond telling me to enjoy the trip.

i wanted to laugh. really. but i just could not do it. the could-have-been thought is just so dramatic in my own perception that i decided that i should wallow in its silent convincing prowess. now, i am a victim.

drenched in sweat from my daily dose of cardio as the humid thought of joining in, i chose to wash off those dirt and persistent ideas of being defeated. as the vernal equinox finally occurred, i know my chances are equal as well.

Hagulgol

let me weep now
for the day has shun my desires
to soar today.

let me weep now
for tomorrow, i will be breathing
the same air of wanting.

let me weep now
for the struggles are still looming
at my expense.

let me weep now
for i have yet to reach
that one glorious dream.

Perfection as a Concept

here we go again.

her mouth would not just give up and so i am trying to find a way how to pay my ticket since she would keep pestering my sister if it will be refunded immediately.

all i can think now is to leave asap and shove her the money after i get there. you see, i have no intentions of keeping my line open to her. the futility of it is just overpowering for me at this point.

why can't they be perfect? or just the ideals one?

Twisted

the word is a cruel place for those who follow the standards.

in a place where the good guys are seen as boring and unconventional to what people reckon as cool, it is pure misfortune for them to thrive in the changing times.

today, i happened to attend a fiesta of which, i was "tasked" to be the representative of my siblings. as many would come to know me as an introvert, staying home is always an option when it comes to birthdays, weddings and other social events. why would i waste my time trying to become more robust and offer my fake smiles tailored with awkward small talks to people i am not happy to see?

sister was busy trying to meet their quota of transcribed audios while the twins are in manila for school. dad will be alone since mom will just follow after her session at the gym. besides, i was the one who got their invitation when i met them accidentally at the mall so my sister deemed it right for me to attend.

aunts and nephews were there. food was plenty and surprisingly appealing to my taste. just then, this aunt of mine told us that a nephew was supposed to be bringing his girlfriend but then they broke up days before the fiesta. aww, poor boy. at 14, it is with pride that a lot of my aunts and uncles consider having a girlfriend as an achievement. not that i am bitter, but seriously? i have had enough of teenage love affairs and unwanted pregnancies to hear that piece.

back when i was at that age, i was busy with choir and school trying to stay in the honor roll. girlfriend? not yet. then i finished college and until now. not yet. so it came to a point when these relatives of mine would stop asking about my personal life. guess they have realized that i am not into opening my life to them as basically, they only become a part of me come these special occasions. time and time, i will hear stories about the current girlfriend of this cousin. then their break up while these relatives of mine would appear to be the most bitter of them all.

on my part, i am busy building my dreams, but without that special someone. the ridicule would have to pass me as again, it will come to their senses that my world does not revolve around "trivial" things. at 14, this nephew who spends a lot of time with his play station, acting very childlike and bratty to a certain degree needs to be studying harder. his mom is not in paris to travel, she is working her ass off to meet the needs of her family including the trifling things her spoiled children are lusting for.

the conservative in me is taking control but honestly, i am sometimes in a situation wherein i have to analyze why other people can be good at all things. these things included. well, orientation has definitely made its point with me. my family, mother side specifically has a lot of concrete living examples. i have three aunts, two grandfathers and one grandmother (siblings of my mother's mom) plus around three other uncles who are cousins of my mom, all into single blessedness. some have achieved what they have to achieve while others not so.

all my life, i have played by the rules and somehow, will probably be doing the same on most part. a lot has to be done with my calculated manners and estimated reactions but honestly, i yearn for better reception of good guys like me (ahem, i believe i am good). many will tell that someday, all will matter.

that part, i perfectly understand. a firm believer of delayed gratification, it is not challenging for me to accept that indeed, good guys finish last. however, there will always be a time when you will have to ask this question, why can't we finish first?

is our world really that twisted?

Patience as a Virtue

to check the calendar is not an option. so as to track again the package.

it is plain torture. an agony you want to be liberated from but just like a shadow following you around, it lingers. it never fades.

is it the sixth day? yes, i think so. just when i expected it to be there in three days, the world suddenly decided that three days is not enough. the delay that i will experience may not be significant for them and so it should be the same for me.

it will be a nice effort though. me, accepting my fate, is such an unfamiliar facet of my personality. to remain in the state of torture then is double jeopardy. after all, there are enough reasons to smile and thank God.

meeting people (online that is) who give encouragement and motivation is enough for me to stay on track. communicating with the legends of our institute would have to be a delusion that is too good to not accept. but, it is reality and having them around makes me feel so small yet more determined to be successful. even to reach a little of what they have reached already.

the dynamics for now has been good. thanks to the consciousness brought about by stern rebuking from the Bible. the mother has come to a more understandable nature. maybe not. maybe of more acceptable behavior. let's see how long it will last.

friends are always steady. checking me out and giving me pats on the back, i could only thank them enough for their valuable presence in my life. a call, a text message, a dinner over at trinoma and a an email would all combine for a powerful concoction of me getting empowered over all the things that i have to endure.

yet another day of learning how to be patient.

Time for Miracles

i mailed them last march 11. today is march 16 and still, my documents are still in that fedex facility in cairo. yeah wtf?

sorry for being impatient but there is not a day that i am hoping that those forms were delivered already at nanay connie's house. ron is ready. kuya alex is waiting for redemption after the first forms were lost in the universe.

it makes me fearful that it might happen again. those forms who now hold the realization of my dream, being lost again in transit. not that i am really hateful of the egyptian system but damn, they are really not conscious of time.

well, what do you expect from them? working there for a year and exposed to their laziness was never enough for me to understand them. clearly, i am lost for the reason behind this event.

the questions has always remained, why is that this country is trying to hold my dreams? many times, i have felt the modern-day israelite contemplating about the exodus from that land. from the harsh working environment that had made me cold and soul-less to some extent about death and the bereaved loved ones to the mentality of eat or be eaten, that place is sure to have a place in my heart.

yet, i cannot removed those memories i had from my trip to alexandria, mt. sinai, luxor and sharm el sheikh. i have made friends with them as well. i was robbed there but i gained a lot. however, there are just some things that really won't work for me.

there is only one thing that is keeping me from my u.k. dream. now, i am praying for miracles like what moses did in egypt.

Time and Reason

"still everything happens for a reason, is no reason not to ask yourself if you are living it right. are you living it right?"

-why georgia (john mayer)

this, i'd like to think. that all my actions and convictions are in the right direction. almost a cliche nearing its obsolescence, that everything happens for a reason, it has made me sane. content. peaceful but insanely calm.

the delay i believe is working for me. after all, time has been given for me to complete all things needed. but this, my relationship with my family, especially to my mom, has certainly been waiting for me to break the ice.

you see, when i was young, as in third grade young, i used to be close to my mom. partly due to my young and innocent heart, i was always telling stories to her. the mundane ones and the adventures at school i had told her almost everyday.

until the mind decided to take play. my memory, as sharp i would like it to be, chose to remember all the beatings i had endured. all the harsh words, the demeaning ones. the temper that always flare up, restrictions to my childhood that had in the end made me a miserable child.

miserable in the sense that i had to feel inferior of myself. fortunately, it did not came into existence into my schooling. in fact, i excelled and peaked come the fifth grade. by this time, i have come to the lonely me. no more stories for her and no more good times. the achievements? oh they are nothing. might as well keep them to myself. comparison is a bitch.

so it has come to this day that i keep all my thoughts to myself. well, extended to my close friends and some to my sister. my mom cannot ask for updates directly on me. she had to talk to my spokesperson, my sister, before she can have the information about my application.

i'd like to keep it that way. she spills too much to my relatives and i prefer to be quiet. low profile at most. in addition, i do not want her bugging me with some unreasonable banters and unwanted negativity.

she said that it is because of her operation that had made her like that. short temper and impatient. you see, i have never felt being loved by her. say the things that she does as a mother, the sacrifices, there were some. but i could not really appreciate what she is doing right now.

materialism came to play as well. contentment is such an elusive state. why complain with what we do not have? the feelers for a new car and other material things mom don't work for me. as plain as a white paper, i have come to shun all luxury in life that my mom would like to have.

i also shun friends who bring nothing but nonsense. i dig meaningful and honest relationships. your friends mom? i never liked them. they were never a good influence on you. do you remember the time you said to me that i will never have friends because i am such a grouchy one? oh well, i am proud to prove you wrong for i have friends who stand by me through the most difficult times. they are good people and successful. we do not give envy a chance in our friendship. we help each other and we understand each other. i do not know about yours.

oh well, i hope i can have one with you mom before i leave. but you have to keep your temper cool and mouth shut most of the times. you see, it pains me to be like this. who does not long for a mom's love? but somehow, i have become cold to you. i do not put the blame all on you. or partly to dad. but i wish we could have a different kind of relationship.

"either way, i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life. am i living it right?"

Kisses

siya si kisses. ang aking paboritong aso.

isang mini pinscher si kisses. anak siya ng yumaong aso namin, si kilians. magkamukhang-magkamukha ang mag-ina liban lamang sa isang bagay: mas maarte at mas malandi ang yumaong ina.

nakakaba pero sa tingin ko, parang nagmana sa akin si kisses sa kaartehan. hindi siya hihiga sa may buhangin o kahit anong lapag ng walang sapin. kapag kumakain, may seremonyas pa siyang nalalaman. may art kung kamain ang asong to. matagal pero malinis.

ang tindig, laging maayos. alerto sa lahat ng bagay at kung minsan, pati sa mga bagay na parang wala naman sa paningin ko. sa liit ng katawan niya, malakas siyang kumain. in fact, overweight na si kisses ayon sa aking pinsan na nag-alaga ng ninuno ni kisses.

matalino rin si kisses. kung mainit, pupunta ito sa aming bakuran kung saan ay may parang maliit na pool at doon ay magbabad. nang minsan ay nilalamig naman, siya mismo ang lumapit malapit sa isang siga upang doon ay magpainit.

sa tagal na naming kasama si kisses, hindi pa siya nagkakaanak. madalas nahuhuli kami sa kanyang season o di kaya naman ay nalaglag ang kanyang magiging supling. sa ganitong sitwasyon, ninais naming papayatin o ilagay sa diet ang aking paboritong aso.

hindi na siya pwedeng kumain sa lunch. tanging dinner na lamang ang kanyang mealtime at sa mga miryenda na pakikipagshare sa amin. ngunit, matalino talaga si kisses. madalas, sumasama siya sa iba pang aso namin sa pagkain ngunit ng lumaki na ang mga ibang tuta, hindi na makalapit ang pobreng si kisses.

ang solusyon? damo. oo, kumain ng damo ang aking si kisses para magkalaman ang tiyan. nalaman namin ito ng dakong tanghali ng kahapon, gumagawa ng ingay si kisses sa pamamagitan ng tila mga attempts na isuka ang isang bagay. nakakaawa si kisses. pinilit naming kuhanin ang anumang bagay na kinain niya. ang forceps ay walang kuwenta kaya inobserbahan muna namin siya.

sa tila pagsusumamo niyang gabayan siya sa kanyang pagluwa, ang kamay ni jonah ang nagsilbing gag reflex ni kisses at nailabas niya ang isang tila maliit na bola ng damo. sa wakas, ligtas na si kisses.

malambing si kisses. mabilis tumakbo at mahilig maglaro. minsan umaangal ako sa kanyang kalikutan.

gayunpaman, mahal ko si kisses. mamimiss kita kisses.

The Mantra

i have said and posted in my facebook account: delay does not mean denial.

as the dandruff on my head would not let go of me, i am clinging to those words. with great faith and a faint smile, i humbly take into heart the profoundness of these words.

today, i called the office regarding my desire to have my documents from the nursing council to be sent to the partner agency in u.k. by doing this, i'll receive the documents in a shorter time. ms. teena told me that with this circumstance, i will not be able to join the rest of my batch mates on the 21st of this month for deployment.

take note: i am not canceled, i am just on a stand by mode. i'm cool with it.

i told her i am fine with it as my worry of not being able to make it on time is taking its toll on me and my housemates in egypt. it is my aim that all my papers are already fixed before i embark on a new journey. the dislike on unsettled matters is just too much for me so i might as well fix all things before i leave the country.

besides, i have not started packing my things. as a consolation, i will be joined by another colleague who was not able to accomplish all documents like me. fun i thought. i will not be alone in facing the u.k. immigration or else, i may piss pants in sheer anxiety.

those words have been my mantra for the whole day and even as i got the message from the visa application center that my passport and all other documents i submitted are ready for pick up. good news? this has to be seen on monday as i will yet hold the passport that will indicate if my visa has been approved or not.

delayed, i plan to arrange all matters. i am still into fasting and meditation until the documents shall be received in london and be given the decision to take the overseas nurses program.

in the mean time, more nursing books and more lessons from the british urban dictionary for me.

Great Day

my day started early. the knock on the door proved to be strong enough to stop me from recuperating after a day filled with stress and anticipating.

it was our neighbor. jonah already told me about her intentions to come over at our house to have her blood pressure checked. she feels that her bp is not that good as manifested by certain symptoms.

sometimes, i feel that i am responsible for a lot of things, take for example, the wellness of our neighbor. she has no apparatus to have her bp checked and she has to check if i am available or not.

so what will happen if i am not at home and her bp is really high? i do not want to think about that. it is just plain sad and this, had made me really take my responsibility seriously. the indian mangoes of course are a bonus.

then i had breakfast. morning devotion was next as i really need guidance. today, i had to do a lot of things regarding my application for work in u.k. thankfully, i was able to accomplish them all and i am just praying hard that all will go smoothly.

our trip to the mall was pleasant. the people to where i asked for help regarding sending some documents and money were really helpful. weather is improving and i cannot say bad about it.

i thought, He is at play. always. even from the start, He is in control. there were some unforeseen events to which i credit as parts of His glorious plan for me. that was difficult but each day, i see the goodness of it.

i'd say i was able to handle the day quite pretty well. my heart was calm even to the good news to my would-be batch mate in u.k. of her visa processed already. no i did not envy her for i was truly happy for her. she deserved it.

believing always in His perfect timing, i really don't care about the time constraints. i can make it. my visa? it will come in the most perfect time.

cheers!

Too Fast?

am i talking too fast dad?

why is it that most of the time, you don't get what i wanted to say? am i really that bad?

please try to understand that what you are asking for is clearly not available. so if you can help me deal with it, it will be much appreciated.

i am sorry dad but sometimes, i feel so alone trying to make things work.

Not Until I am Dead

is it time?

i don't think so. the headache and hyperacidity won't kill me. me not achieving will probably do. people are expecting a lot from this. so much progress in our lives is seen out of this. so is it time? i don't think so.

is it enough?

i don't believe so. as long as i can, i will do all i have to do to make this happen. i will try with all my might. lose all shame if possible and swallow the littlest pride that i have in my soul. all for this one big dream.

is it difficult?

i don't see it that way. they may turn my head upside down and force me to beg for mercy but go ahead, i will take it. i may whine always with my true friends but they never seem to run out of good words and concrete encouragement. difficult? it may appear so but life has a way of matching it with what i can and with what i have.

intense. tough. hellish to some point. starting again from the start with those forms, life can't get any more challenging.

is it time to give up? definitely no. until i am alive, i will still try. until i have friends who are willing to stand by my delusions, pessimism and depression, i will be inspired by them.

is it enough for me to dream big? not until i am living that dream. not until i am in a new place. not until i am capable of helping my family. not until i am dead and hopeless.

is it difficult to achieve it? hmm i'd say challenging enough for me to be hit big time in my nuts. making me feel the worst headaches to date and prompting my cells in the stomach produce excessive amounts of hydrochloric acid.

deep in my heart, He is teaching me something out of all these events. i just pray that i can handle them all.

I Beg of You

as if all anticipation was not enough, i never saw it coming.

now i am scared and rattled to the point of giving up.

God help me.

Psychosomatic?

"Psychosomatic illness: The mind influences the body to create or exacerbate illness."
-MedicineNet.com

for two straight days, i had the worst headaches to date. the pain was dull, not increasing in intensity but it had this paralyzing effect to my typical activities. onset was always in the afternoon and probably precipitated by the heat emanating from the weather.

or, it could be of the stress i am getting from waiting for responses here and there.

yeah, most likely. all the eagerness to read the text which is exhibited by my alertness for every message alert tone as illustrated by my stopping from doing something while hurrying to get a hand of my mobile phone. oh the gifts of technology teasing me about my visa application!

the emails are always checked every now and then. facebook chat always online for any sighting of kuya alex.

i'd like to think my headache is just a clear example of psychosomatic illness. now i have to think all of these shall pass...

and i shall be healed.

Throwing Up

i am now truly perplexed.

to how should i feel about all the things around me. to the things i ought to think. to the measures that i will have to take.

as if groping was not enough, the light proved to be extinguished with each passing day. but i hope not. this is me, being over realistic to the point of being pessimistic.

am i numb now? probably. how about more trusting? i would like to think that way. friends, i hope i am not wearing you down with all my worries. life for me has provided certain twists that can shame the starstruck show (always blabbing about twists).

few minutes ago, i received the forms for my overseas nurses program and for my would-be accommodation in u.k. well hey, these should bring good news. sadly, i am horrified because until this very moment, i am not sure where the reference letters from egypt are.

did kuya alex really mail them? was he able to have the translation of the tracking number? since according to richard, it is his off today. i pray that my message to him was compelling enough for him to respond. i do hope so.

if you could just see my nervous smiles every time people wish me well about my soon departure, you would pity me. packing my things is the last thing on my mind right now as i endure the heat of the el nino sun in this side of the world.

cry. cry harder. this my other half would like to do but my constant meditation and reflection would always oppose to this and somehow calm my heart.

pray. pray harder. until something happens. i am. every moment that i can. my friends as well.

and now i am gonna throw up due to equal parts of anxiety and unsure confidence.

About Winning and Self Control

controlling yourself is such an achievement that one should be proud of.

it's brutal. it's harsh. however, it is liberating. it whispers a message that somehow, you have won a battle.

but did i? after leaving the questions in my mind, did i triumph?

Almost There

there you go. keep it up.

stay positive. stay faithful.



if it is not happy, then it is not the end.

Living and Dying

when do you say that a person has died? when he has no pulse and respiration?

i say a person is dead when he stops living.

last night, i was at the wake of the sister of my grandmother. my grandmother or my lola is a year older than her sister. but it is just the number for my lola looks, acts and lives her life as if she is the younger one.

this sister of my lola i believe has long been dead. after her husband died, she just stopped living. at first it was her diet. she would not eat any. then she just decided it was too hard for her to walk. so she had to be in a wheelchair until yesterday. her muscles started to atrophy for she stopped using them.

don't you think it is unfortunate when people decide that it is the end of their life? or how about people taking control of their own lives by ending it?

i may have my own problems. sometimes, shit happens and it really does come in packages. my demons have this tendency to control me. my motivation may dipped into nothing and my determination may be as bleak as a shadow.

anxieties prevail most of the time for me. i do not cry but i feel my heart shedding a tear or two. my ego burnt and unable to use any defense mechanism. my body weight continues to balloon.

everyday i wake up thinking if i will ever go to u.k. with pending papers yet to come in. the conscious part of me is also asking if i will be able to control my temper and my appetite.

however, these are just my thoughts. i let them come in but i do not let them come alive. i bury them. i burn them if i must. i punch myself and scold my own ego until i can no longer face myself in the mirror for the weakling and unmotivated that i am.

i write and most importantly i pray. i talk to my friends and and i talk to Him. i sit still. i reflect. i read and i listen to music. all the things that i do just to keep up with the demands of living.

but i do not stop living neither i desire to be dead.

it can be shitty i know. maddening and perplexing all the more. these i believe are the trade offs that we have to face. no complaining and no giving up.

Getting Out of that Mountain

i just asked benj to slap me.

but he can't so it will not really work. i am in desperate need of a talk that will somehow tell me that, "hey, don't worry. God is in control. you have done everything that you can. just be still and know that He is your God."

the problem with one losing faith is that it erases whatever foundation you had before. all the struggles and all the hardships won seem to be buried with a mountain of doubt and impatience.

and i just can't seem to get out of this mountain...

Skins

i always pinch myself whenever the thought of me coming to a first world country hits me.

for me, it would only be the ripe time if i have the ticket and i am at the airport waiting for my departure. that's it.

in order to fight that urge to be excited and perky at the same time, i focus myself on a lot of things. like trying to get a feel of their accent because i am sure that my ears will have to be turned upside down once i step on their airport.

and so here comes the skins. it is a tv series in uk which features the life of teenagers and their different battles. my favorite is sid (the one with eyeglasses) and he is just so sincere and funny at the same time.



you can try watching this video by clicking here.

of course it features a lot of nudity and i am loving it.

Bully?

i just scared the hell out of my brother and i feel bad for him.

you see, he had some episodes in the past about having some drops of blood in his stool. after some questions, i found out that his stool was a bit hard hence the difficulty causing some irritation on the skin.

and it has been like these for the other two episodes. i know his lifestyle and diet. little to zero fruits and vegetables. a bit sedentary with his lifestyle.

being the nurse that i am, i focused on these things. deep inside, i know he will not fully commit to these and i just happened to know that his bloody stool will occur again.

it did. last night actually. sensing some panic for the nth time, he had to call my sister. my being no-nonsense has prevented him to contact me directly as i will lash him again with my harsh words of him reminding his inability to commit to what i have taught him to do.

sister was busy with her job so she had to pass the phone to me. i delightfully answered all of his queries to the point i am in the process of making him rethink his ways.

sa sobrang kakulitan, i just had to inject cory's death to his situation after which, i ended the call. much to his horror, he was crying a bit according to my sister as he had to call again.

somehow, i felt bad for scaring him but you see, he will really not follow everything i said to him if he does not see it as important enough to save his life. to this, i have kept myself mum every time they come home during the weekends. for i know, i will end up stupid trying to teach them my ways.

i did try to comfort him. i sent some text messages for more instructions. i just hope its magic had it on him.

3. Earn

it is the third month. after kinda successfully bringing into act the first two goals for the year, i am on the brink of losing it all to this third month.

my mind is clouded with a lot thoughts and apprehensions that my ability to see clearly with it is compromised. no amount of motivation and pep talk to myself can dismantle the shield i have been wearing- the shield of what ifs and doubts.

i hate myself for acting like this.

tomorrow will be the day that will complete my waiting game for the visa i applied for. and hopefully tomorrow, the papers have been received by the nmc.

seeing nam all over europe, i just want to pack my things now so i can finally go to london. but this, has to be earned.

so for the third month: earn.

Double Happiness

there is not a moment that i have not thought about my future. when you have nothing much to do, you are bound to be pre-occupied with what your heart desires.

the way i see it, the amount of free time that you have is equals to the amount of being anxious to what you want to achieve.

i desire to be successful in my career. i desire to be more knowledgeable of my profession and to the things around me. i desire being physically fit. i desire beginnings. i desire hopes for the future. i desire for love.

problem is, they begin and end only in desire. no action taken. i really tried hard but then i break free from the routine and i end up wanting to begin again.

a lot of fears and anxieties in life are rooted from not knowing the future. to say the least, not knowing what will happen next and not having any idea of it points you to a situation you are totally unfamiliar. being unfamiliar, just the thought of it actually, turns on the panic mode in your life.

then you crumble. even before tragedy happens to you. double the shit and double the damage.

i think i have gotten too far from thinking that is why at this very moment, i am shutting my brain from thinking of the unknown.

after all, who wants to experience shit twice?