Living and Dying

when do you say that a person has died? when he has no pulse and respiration?

i say a person is dead when he stops living.

last night, i was at the wake of the sister of my grandmother. my grandmother or my lola is a year older than her sister. but it is just the number for my lola looks, acts and lives her life as if she is the younger one.

this sister of my lola i believe has long been dead. after her husband died, she just stopped living. at first it was her diet. she would not eat any. then she just decided it was too hard for her to walk. so she had to be in a wheelchair until yesterday. her muscles started to atrophy for she stopped using them.

don't you think it is unfortunate when people decide that it is the end of their life? or how about people taking control of their own lives by ending it?

i may have my own problems. sometimes, shit happens and it really does come in packages. my demons have this tendency to control me. my motivation may dipped into nothing and my determination may be as bleak as a shadow.

anxieties prevail most of the time for me. i do not cry but i feel my heart shedding a tear or two. my ego burnt and unable to use any defense mechanism. my body weight continues to balloon.

everyday i wake up thinking if i will ever go to u.k. with pending papers yet to come in. the conscious part of me is also asking if i will be able to control my temper and my appetite.

however, these are just my thoughts. i let them come in but i do not let them come alive. i bury them. i burn them if i must. i punch myself and scold my own ego until i can no longer face myself in the mirror for the weakling and unmotivated that i am.

i write and most importantly i pray. i talk to my friends and and i talk to Him. i sit still. i reflect. i read and i listen to music. all the things that i do just to keep up with the demands of living.

but i do not stop living neither i desire to be dead.

it can be shitty i know. maddening and perplexing all the more. these i believe are the trade offs that we have to face. no complaining and no giving up.