selfish. the most selfish act as a friend told me. now i know why.
i have seen death with patients' battles ending in my shift. was it ten? maybe twelve and i have stopped counting when i was so numb and indifferent about dying. i have felt it when i almost died in a vehicular accident. but recent events had me writhe with the painful reality: it happens.
when you are buried with so much shit that it seems impossible to get out of it, that is the time not to give up. it is just the perfect opportunity to bounce back and smacking your head with the purpose of giving yourself a scream that you are here for a reason.
it has entered my mind but spinelessness and fear proved to be more potent motivators not to do it. faith has certainly cheered me up amidst all the pain and tears. recent events had me contemplate about the idea but just as the idea comes in, it is being shut to the annals of my stupid history. there are just too many reasons not to do it.
when you leave your loved ones in this way, you are also leaving them with the question why. that question which will remain forever unanswered, is more painful i believe than death itself. grief from death has stages but finding the answer to that question is just impossible as reaching jupiter.
i still had to learn how to swim, play the guitar and travel. i still had to continue for higher education. the high school reunion is not to be missed and my friends' passion for reminiscing the embarrassing and hilarious glorious past is just a shame not to abide to it. the parents still had to be flown all over the philippines and still had to showered with material things they were not given the privilege to have.
yes it is real and it happens as frequent as the news may depict. but, it does not keep me from living the way i want it or God destined it to be. for truly, life is beautiful.
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