"still everything happens for a reason, is no reason not to ask yourself if you are living it right. are you living it right?"
-why georgia (john mayer)
this, i'd like to think. that all my actions and convictions are in the right direction. almost a cliche nearing its obsolescence, that everything happens for a reason, it has made me sane. content. peaceful but insanely calm.
the delay i believe is working for me. after all, time has been given for me to complete all things needed. but this, my relationship with my family, especially to my mom, has certainly been waiting for me to break the ice.
you see, when i was young, as in third grade young, i used to be close to my mom. partly due to my young and innocent heart, i was always telling stories to her. the mundane ones and the adventures at school i had told her almost everyday.
until the mind decided to take play. my memory, as sharp i would like it to be, chose to remember all the beatings i had endured. all the harsh words, the demeaning ones. the temper that always flare up, restrictions to my childhood that had in the end made me a miserable child.
miserable in the sense that i had to feel inferior of myself. fortunately, it did not came into existence into my schooling. in fact, i excelled and peaked come the fifth grade. by this time, i have come to the lonely me. no more stories for her and no more good times. the achievements? oh they are nothing. might as well keep them to myself. comparison is a bitch.
so it has come to this day that i keep all my thoughts to myself. well, extended to my close friends and some to my sister. my mom cannot ask for updates directly on me. she had to talk to my spokesperson, my sister, before she can have the information about my application.
i'd like to keep it that way. she spills too much to my relatives and i prefer to be quiet. low profile at most. in addition, i do not want her bugging me with some unreasonable banters and unwanted negativity.
she said that it is because of her operation that had made her like that. short temper and impatient. you see, i have never felt being loved by her. say the things that she does as a mother, the sacrifices, there were some. but i could not really appreciate what she is doing right now.
materialism came to play as well. contentment is such an elusive state. why complain with what we do not have? the feelers for a new car and other material things mom don't work for me. as plain as a white paper, i have come to shun all luxury in life that my mom would like to have.
i also shun friends who bring nothing but nonsense. i dig meaningful and honest relationships. your friends mom? i never liked them. they were never a good influence on you. do you remember the time you said to me that i will never have friends because i am such a grouchy one? oh well, i am proud to prove you wrong for i have friends who stand by me through the most difficult times. they are good people and successful. we do not give envy a chance in our friendship. we help each other and we understand each other. i do not know about yours.
oh well, i hope i can have one with you mom before i leave. but you have to keep your temper cool and mouth shut most of the times. you see, it pains me to be like this. who does not long for a mom's love? but somehow, i have become cold to you. i do not put the blame all on you. or partly to dad. but i wish we could have a different kind of relationship.
"either way, i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life. am i living it right?"