The Year That Was...

at this time, i thought it was best to look back to what they call as my year since it is the year of the ox. is it really my year? let me see...

a.) January- four months after coming to egypt, i was able to buy my laptop. yay! work was shit and was learning the routines at my own pace. housemates started to sleep at the other side of the city leaving me most of the time alone in the flat.

b.) February- i was the best nurse for this month! this came after giving me all the difficult cases i have handled. it was also the title that now, you can abuse me more by giving again the most tiring cases.

my former work place...


c.) March- had difficulty fixing my papers for australia. work was getting shittier and shittier. indeed a tiring month. a lot of bad cases all throughout the month.

d.) April- it was final, i was not able to acquire the document that would help me gain more qualifications regarding my application in australia. the stress of work had me taking two absences this month with the last spent on a trip to a park in Al Azhar with shiel and jen. rest is such a luxury coming at the price of $60. i moved out and moved in with kuya alex. my batchmates were not keen on keeping the flat so i made my move first and shocking them in the end. i like surprises.

at al azhar park with shiela and jen


e.) May- depressed. homesick (a bit). all of these came from my failure to get my application going. this was also the last month for shiela, a good friend and colleague of mine. work? did i say shitty?

shiela, gerby and me in one of our nakaw moments hehe


f.) June- had in my mind to just finish my one year here in egypt. sheila finally left. i was slowly recovering from my depression.

g.) July- moved in to a new flat again. internet was down for a while. i bought my digital camera yay! work was getting on my nerves. i was now used to receiving patients who won't finish the shift with me. more vocal now of my frustrations against my co-workers.

h.) August- i was robbed! i experienced the closest thing to death and it was not a good experience. this happened after i finally decided that i will resign and come home by october. people were shocked about me being robbed and me resigning. but i felt relieved.

i.) September- one year in egypt and my last haha. one month to go before coming home. i had my trip to egypt's tourist spots planned and had them done by the end of the month. i have been to luxor, alexandria, sinai and sharm el shiekh, red sea! my birthday was also memorable as i celebrated with new friend in a very posh resto-bar!

celebrating my birthday at little buddha


preparing for banana boat ride at sharm el shiekh in red sea


on board a felucca at the nile river


in front of the queen hatshepshut temple in luxor...


at the karnak temple still in luxor...


j.) October- had my last few days in egypt visiting again the pyramids and meeting friends. on the third day of the month, i was in the philippines! met my old friends and prepared for ielts.

my last visit to the pyramids...


k.) November- took the IELTS and passed it for the second time! applied for so many agencies and thanks to God, i accepted a job offer in UK!


l.) December- had some papers prepared for UK. christmas was still the same, totally unchanged for me. met my high school friends and had a blast! still waiting though for some documents to arrive.

at our reunion with my high schol friends and our gorgeous adviser, ma'am lim.


generally, i do not believe that a specific year is your year. i believe that i can make it my year through hard work, determination and faith in God. this, i plan to do again next year.

i just had to thank all the people who made my life happy. i felt human again. i smiled and laughed my heart out. i broke my inhibitions and just was myself. with you, i discovered the bright side of living. i am hopeful and full of positivity.

to those who made my life crappy and shitty, thank you as well. you have served your purpose well and now i am better. stronger. motivated.

to that one special love of my life, i hope i will meet you this year. i plan to be with you the whole year and if possible, as long as we are alive. i have always wanted to meet you, to share my life with you and to have me as your own. i know my whole existence has been waiting all my life and i pray that you won't break me for i am as fragile as a glass.

to You, my Father and my Friend, thank You for always loving me. i do not deserve You but Your love makes me special. i know You have plans for me and i fully entrust myself and my soul to You o Lord.

Cheers to a New Year!

No More Blind Spot

the past two nights, i went home past midnight. i attended two parties/reunions. one for the organization i joined since my first year high school and the other one was with my high school classmates.

oh, i forgot the family reunion! but since i don't count it as special and technically, i was just there for 20 minutes so that does not matter.

few days earlier, i had thoughts of not attending any. maybe of shame of me not having work again. or probably some old feelings of high school madness that are bugging me but benj's convincing power proved to be stronger.

you see, i am not that really popular way back in high school. i had some moments but i really didn't stand out. there was always someone who was better than me.

for the first few moments at the first party, i felt this uncomfortable pinch in my heart. truth is, the scar of being really not accepted in a group is still there.

but i have moved on. i am better now at what i do. i am stronger. successful in my own way.

and these people who made my high school life more dramatic? they don't exist now in my world.

contrary to the second party, from the first moment i was there, i felt loved. happy. belonged. each smile was very real. no words could express my feelings.

going out and meeting people who have touched your life may not be bad at all. you get to feel your old self while having that new you around. it makes you alive and it makes you to be better at yourself. you feel proud that you belong to this certain group and you are one of them.

in the end, i realize a lot of things. whatever doubts i have about myself, i just have to look to these people who love me. there is really nothing to be found in comparing yourself with other people for there will be those who will be greater and lesser than you. those people that i envied or longed for their acceptance? they didn't deserve me in the first place. time made me realize this. what i could not see before, it is now within my view. no more blind spot.

Cheers to that One Special Day!

clothes may be new or old.
they may fascinate or disappoint people.
they make or break us.

people may or may not change.
they may come and go.
they may love or hurt us.

life may be fucked up or not.
it may surprise or fail us.
it may be what we wanted or what we hated.

but who cares? it is christmas. ain't a good reason to reflect and give thanks for this one special event that can change everything that is messing our lives?

merry christmas to you and your family!

Kung Bakit Hindi Magandang Ideya ang Mag-asawa ng Beauty Queen

habang tumutugon sa tawag na kalikasan, nabuo sa aking isip ang ilan sa mga punto kung bakit hindi magandang ideya ang mag-asawa ng isang dating beaty queen.

matagal ko nang naisip to, hindi ko lang makumpleto ang mga argumento ko para masuportahan ko lahat. sa hindi masyadong matagal na paninirahan sa earth, isa ako sa mga nagkaron ng first-hand experience sa isang hindi masyadong magandang karanasan na ibinunga ng pag-aasawa ng isang dating beauty queen.

hindi naman sa gine-generalize ko ang lahat ng mga beauty queens dahil ito ay mga observations ko lang sa isang tao- ang aking "minamahal na inay." mas mataas ang tsansa ng tama ang mga punto ko para sa mga hard-core na beauty queens.

narito ang mga punto ko kung bakit para sa akin, hindi magandang ideya ang mag-asawa ng isang dating beauty queen:

una, ang tingin nila sa buhay sa realidad ay isang beauty show. at sa show na ito, siya ang bida o kaya siya dapat ang bida. siya ang magstand out. siya dapat ang manalo lagi. sa pagiging bida niya, marami siyang demands. gusto niya, siya lagi ang nasusunod dahil of course, siya ay nasa isang show at siya nga naman ang bida.

sa araw araw na kasama ko ang aking nanay, ang kanyang gusto lamang ang kailangang masunod and it sucks dahil si dady, tinotolerate lamang ito. madalas, wala na siya sa lugar pero si dady? tahimik lang sa isang sulok habang ang mala-sirena ng bumberong pagtatalak ng aking ina ang namamayani sa bahay. it sucks big time dahil hindi ko alam kung eto ba talaga ang babaeng minahal ni dady. masyadong domineering. control freak at unreasonable.

ano nga ba ang magagawa ko? ako ay isang hamak lang na staff sa isang show na kung saan siya ang bida. sinabi nga nya minsan saken at kay ate na anak niya lang kami. oo nga naman, siya ang bida este nanay pala. so dapat, props lang kami no?

pangalawa, dahil sa isang beauty contest, marami ang kalaban, hindi minsan naiiwasan ang mainggit. dahil wala nga namang perfect na tao, ang mga bagay na wala ang isang tao ay labis niyang inaasam at kadalasan, lumalagpas sa punto ng kabaliwan.

itinuturing kong kabaliwan ang mainggit. oh well, minsan maganda rin naman ang mainggit pero yung tipong nainggit ka at ngayon, ginawa mo itong inspirasyon upang makamit mo kung ano man ang ikinaiinggit mo.

subalit ang mainggit at ihayag ang iyong nararamdaman sa kung sino man ang nakapailigd sa iyo habang ipinahihiwatig na it sucks not to be them and not to have them around ay isang purong kagaguhan.

si inay, maraming nakikita. mainam naman sana ang makakita ng karangyaan sa buhay ngunit ang sumabay sa mga nakikita na minsan ay nakakairita sa pandinig namin ni ate habang si dady ay tahimik na naman at tinatanggap ang mga pagkukumpara na sinamahan pa ng mga reklamo, hindi ata tama.

ang iba, magaling maglakad. ang iba naman, magaling sumagot. pwede rin naman ang iba ay may magandang mukha habang ang iba ay may magandang hubog ng katawan. sa beauty contest, hindi nararapat ang mainggit dahil ito ay humihila pababa sa iyong pagkalugmok. at sa buhay? hindi kailanman makakabuti ang mainggit.

pangatlo at panghuli, dahil sa patimplak na kanilang sinalihan, ang kanilang paniniwala at prinsipyo minsan ay nagiging kasingbabaw ng kanilang konsepto ng kagandahan- isang panlabas na katangian.

sa isang patimpalak, kailangan ang lahat ay umuwing panalo. wala dapat umuuwing talunan dahil sa bawat kaganapan sa buhay ay laging may kaakibat na karanasan na mapagkukunan ng yaman. ngunit para sa isang mababaw na tao o dili kaya'y isang contestant sa beauty contest, siya ay nagiging talunan lamang kapag ang kanyang pagkatao ay nakabase pa rin sa panlabas at hindi sa kanyang angking panloob na kagandahan.

si nanay ko, madalas hindi ako sang-ayon sa mga paniniwala niya sa buhay. kagaya na lamang ng pagfreeze niya ng buko pandan as opposed sa aking belief na kailangang chilled lamang ito. ng pagiging apurado versus my relaxed and calm attitude. ng pagiging miss congeniality versus my no-nonsense and plain honesty at all costs.

marami akong resentment sa buhay. marami ring mga frustrations at ang nakakalungkot, marami ay directly at indirectly caused by my mom. aaminin ko, hindi ako close sa kanya because she keeps all lines closed. a traditional and conservative one, naisip ko lang kung dahil ba siya ang panganay sa pitong magkakapatid o dahil sa pagiging beauty queen niya?

basta ako, hindi ako mag-aasawa ng beauty queen pero hindi ko naman sinasabi na ayaw ko ng magandang mapapangasawa. it is just that, i had enough of those drama and world peace issues.

For Half of My Life

i am just so excited for the holidays! for half of my life, laging ganito and i really feel it all.

every year, this season never fails to taint the would-be simple days in other months of the year. madrama, makulay at masaya. sana nga ganito lagi.

for half of my life, i celebrate christmas alone. walang mga special someone na pagbibigyan ng regalong hindi mo lubos maisip kung magugustuhan ba niya o hindi. wala akong binibisita after ng mga misa sa simbahan and to make it more simple, wala akong tinextext or tinatawagan pouring my heart out to give them my merriest greetings.

for half of my life, i struggle to keep myself pacified to the unbelievable controlling and dominating ways of my mom coupled with principles in life and lifestyle bullshit.

for half of my life, i have always a special prayer during these times that is for the love of God, please do spare me from my pretentious acts of paying respect to relatives i do not care to see even for a decade or to the church service so early in the morning that i can hardly understand the sermon at all.

i would like to believe that a part of me has an autistic characteristic. i prefer to be alone most of the time at home. in my room or just walking around the garden. thinking. meditating. all of which, my sister cannot stand so she can't help herself but to disturb my inner peace. bakit pa ako makikipag-usap sa mga taong ayaw makinig sa suggestion ng iba? o di kaya ay tumanggap ng puna? futile. pointless at tiring.

ano ba ang logic sa pagpunta sa mga lugar na alam mong hindi ka komportable o kaya meeting other people na hindi mo naman gustong makita? dahil ba christmas? e pano pag di na pasko? kasi i feel this all the time.

malamig ba? oo naman. every year, i wallow in sheer loneliness after all the gifts were opened, friends and families reunited and kisses made to their love of their lives. so you can't blame me now kung mas gugustuhin ko pang magtrabaho during the holidays.

for half of my life, i celebrate alone. my parents have each other. my sister? her boyfriend. and my brothers? they are twins! it is indeed a struggle for me. most of the time, i feel awkward having to be in these times and places.

for half of my life, i have always wanted a warm christmas that is just full of love.

do all of these look happy? i could only imagine.

i just wish that the coming year would not be another additional year to the half of my life that is already full of blunt merrymaking and worth forgetting holidays.

Happy

kung merong isang kantang maglalarawan ng nararamdaman ko at kung ano ang sitwasyon ko ngayon, ito na siguro yun:

Happy
by: Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

and here's a nice video to accompany the lyrics.

Question and Answer

sa mundo, marami ang tanong na hindi natin kayang sagutin. bumabagabag, humahanap tayo ng sagot. ngunit kadalasan, ang paghahanap natin ng sagot ay nauuwi lang sa mas marami pang sagot.

sabi nga nila, what we do not know does not kill us. tama nga naman kasi the truth hurts. at kagaya ng kinalabasan sa paglubog at pagsikat ng araw, nasa huli ang pagsisisi. pagsisisi kung bakit nga ba inasam pa natin ang sagot.

am i gonna be happy? am i gonna be in uk by next year? will i be in a relationship? mga tanong na wala pang sagot. takot? wala akong nararamdaman na ganun dahil sa isip ko, ayong mabuhay nang may mga naiwang bagay na walang sagot.

The Underdog

i have always been secured of my achievements. no frills of any hint of discontent and doubt.

but to my looks and how i conduct myself is another question. and to this, i am silent most of the time.

i am no show-off. i prefer to be the underdog at most times but in the end, i have always shown them what i am capable of.

that being said, i had to accept the fact that my parents always feel threatened by stories of other people. in defense of that intimidation, they come armed with my achievements.

something i do not welcome but something i should understand of how they feel. but how?

Anonymous

bakit ang pilipinas hindi kilala sa ibang parte ng mundo?

lagi kasi akong tinatanong kung san ako galing at siyempre kahit papano e proud naman ako na sabihin sa kanila na galing ako sa pilipinas. ito yung mga panahon na ang mga pasyente ko e natutuwa saken tsaka nila sasabihin na, "oh philippines! good people!"

although madalas, sigurado ako na hindi nila alam kung san sa mundo matatagpuan ang pilipinas.

clueless sila saten. nun sa egypt, ang alam lang nilang bansa na nasa southeast asia e malaysia at thailand. tsaka nga pala indonesia. pero walang pilipinas. madalas nakakalungkot ito. walang identity. walang pangalan. sa panahon na inisip ko na sobrang kalat ang mga pilipino sa mundo, nagkamali ako.

nung nagpunta nga ako ng luxor at nagtour kasama pa ang ibang nationalities, may time na magpapakilala kami kung sang bansa kami nanggaling. ala miss universe style ba. karamihan sa kanila, akala daw nila e malaysian ako. gusto ko ngang sagutin na bakit, ganito ba kagaling magenlish ang mga malaysians? hahaha. hindi naman sa sinasabi ko na hindi magaling magenlish ang malaysians pero i know for a fact na may edge tayo sa kanila when it comes to this department.

pero mas mabuti na yung wala kang alam talaga kesa sa mali ang pagkakaalam mo sa ibang bagay. tulad na lang ng isang romanian na nakapangasawa ng pilipino. nagpunta kasi ang mag-asawa sa pinas para magbakasyon at para na rin makilala ang pamilya nung lalaki. pagbalik sa egypt, tinanong siya kung ano masasabi sa bansa natin at ang tumataginting na sagot niya ay puro kahoy daw ang mga bahay natin!

naman! mahirap daw tayo dahil puro kahoy! ang sarap batukan! kasi saken, hindi status symbol ang bahay na gawa sa bahay. mababaw. unreasonable. minsan nga ang mga kahoy na gamit sa paggawa ng bahay e napakamahal. try ka ya niyang magpunta sa forbes park? o kaya sa corinthian gardens? o kaya magpunta na lang kaya siya ng pampanga? kelan ba naging basehan ang bahay na gawa sa kahoy sa estado ng buhay?

sensitive ba? hindi naman. sabi ko nga, mas nakakainis ang kabobohan ng mga tao sa ilang bagay. mas maayos pa kasi ung wala ka talagang alam. matuturuan pa kasi ng tama.

may mga egyptians na nagtatanong kung mahirap ba ang pilipinas. ayaw kong sagutin. kasi parang ang hirap ipaliwanag ang sitwasyon saten sa kanilang mga utak na minsan napapaisip ako kung meron nga ba sila. ang masasabi ko lang, maraming mahirap saten pero meron tayong middle class kasi napansin ko lang, sa kanila, masyadong extreme. as in kung may middle class man, hindi mo pansin. kapag mayaman sa kanila, sobrang mayaman talaga at pag mahirap naman, sobrang hirap naman nila talaga.

nung nakaraan buwan, maraming balita ang lumabas tungkol sa ating bansa. may maganda at may pangit pero lahat, bumubuo ng imahe na ipinapakita natin sa mundo.

minsan, nakakaramdam ako ng hiya kung ano ang lahi ko kapag may mga masamang balitang lumalabas sa media. gusto kong magtago o kaya magpanggap na malaysian na lang ako. o kaya naman isa akong vietnamese, thai, indonesian o kaya burmese. pwede ring galing ng maldives o kaya ng bhutan. basta kung ano lang bang masabi.

ngunit sa bandang huli, ang anumang pangit na imahe ay nilalabanan ko ng aking mabuting gawa at asal. ng pag-aaruga ng isang nurse na pinoy na hindi makikita sa isang egyptian, romanian, indian o ng isang palestinian. ng lubos na paggalang sa sinumang maging pasyente ko. ng mga ngiti na nagpapasigla sa mga nais nang mawalan ng pag-asa.

naisip ko kasi, ito lang ang tanging paraaan para makilala tayo. makilala sa mabuting paraan at mabuting dahilan.

Thank You

so i got the job offer in uk.

after losing hope from the rescheduled date of interview...

after being depressed of my performance from the actual interview...

God gave me the job but i hate myself from having all these worries...of all the procedures to be done, papers to accomplish and costs that it will take.

poan tells me that i should not be like this when a lot of them are worrying of having a real nursing job. i had to pinch myself and make me realize this truth.

indeed, God is love. He knows what is best for us...thank You!

Mediterranean Sea

let us move to the other places that make alexandria one of my favorite places in egypt more than giza and cairo.

punta naman tayo sa mediterranean sea. isang malaking bansa ang egypt ngunit hindi gaya ng pilpinas, hindi ito nahahati sa mga pulo kundi ng isang malawak na lupain na binubuo ng mga bulubundukin, disyerto at kapatagan. dahil dito, maraming bansa ang nasa border ng mga ito pati na rin ang isang importanteng dagat, ang mediterranean sea.

ang dagat na ito was an important route for merchants and travelers of ancient times that allowed for trade and cultural exchange between emergent peoples of the region — the Mesopotamian, Egyptian, Phoenician, Carthaginian, Greek, Illyrian, Levantine, Roman, Moorish, Slavic and Turkish cultures. the history of the mediterranean region is crucial to understanding the origins and development of many modern societies. for the three quarters of the globe, the Mediterranean Sea is similarly the uniting element and the centre of World History (wikipedia.org).



dun sa unang post ko about the qaitbay citadel, matatanaw na ang dagat mula doon. kuha ito sa taas ng citadel.



isang lighthouse mula sa iba't ibang anggulo. sa lugar na ito, nakaramam ako ng kapayapaan mula sa pressures ng trabaho at ang noon na nalalapit kong pag-uwi sa pilipinas.



nagustuhan ko rin yung ideya na sa kabilang dulo ng dagat na ito ay europa na. kahit hindi man talaga natanaw, pakiramdam ko nakarating na rin ako ng europa.



paborito ko ring kunin sa litrato ang sunset o sunrise. ewan ko pero dahil siguro sa mensahe na ipinaparating nito na laging may pag-asa sa bawat pagdating ng bagong araw...

Bibliotheca Alexandrina

this is a continuation of my posts about my trip in egypt. i am now going to talk about the Bibliotheca Alexandrina or the Library of Alexandria.



walking to the entrance of the library.

it is the major library and cultural center located on the shore of the Mediterranean Sea in the Egyptian city of Alexandria. it is both a commemoration of the Library of Alexandria that was lost in antiquity and an attempt to rekindle something of the brilliance that this earlier center of study and erudition represented (wikipedia.org).



eto ang bubulaga sayo pagdating mo sa main entrance ng library. sobrang ganda na you can't help yourself but stop and take a good look at it.

ito siguro yung library na literal na pwede akong tumira sa sobrang ganda ng architecture at sobrang amazing lang talaga. i am lost for words for kung gano kagara ang silid-aklatan na ito that is why i had to go back the following day para talaga makapasok at mamasdan ang ganda nito.



yung library, pababa siya sa loob. you will see later. dito sa picture, merong mga nakaukit na hieroglyphic characters.

naisip ko, kung ganito kaganda ang mga library saten, wala na sigurong magiging tamad magbasa upang matuto. nakakatuwa talaga kasi yung pakiramdam ko, hindi ko maipaliwanag. nung bago pa ako pumunta ng Egypt, sinabi ko talaga sa sarili ko na kailangan kong makapunta sa library na ito. kailangan kong mapuntahan ang mga sinaunang lugar na nagkaroon ng puwang sa ating kasaysayan at sa awa ng Diyos, nakapunta ako sa mga lugar na iyon.



ganito lang naman ang itsura ng library sa loob.



ang library na inakala kong sobrang luma e sobrang modern pala. kahit nasa malayo ka, alam mo na iyon na ang library. ang arkitektura, sobrang moderno mula sa tubig na nasa labas nito, sa planetarium at maging sa loob mismo ng gusali. ang ganda talaga kaya't napakaraming turista din ang nagpupunta dito upang mamalas ang ganda niya.



isang napakalumang printing machine...




bitbit ang mga pasalubong...



ito naman ung isa sa landmarks ng alexandria. paglabas sa library, ito ang bubungad sayo.

hanggang ngayon, madalas kong inaalala ang mga panahon na namasyal ako sa alexandria. ibang mundo kasi kumpara sa buhay sa cairo at giza. tahimik pero ang modernong ihip ng hangin ay nandon. maunlad ngunit pinapanatili ang sinaunang pagkakakilanlan. puno ng kasaysayan at ang kultura ay makulay.
kung magkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon na makabalik sa egypt, isa ang library sa babalikan ko.

The Social Butterfly

kung nakaligtas ako kahapon mula sa mga mapanuring mata ng kaibigan ni mama at ng pagkaing nang-aakit ng aking atensiyon, sablay ako ngayon.

matapos akong konsensiyahin ng aking mga mababait na kapatid at dramahan pa ni mama, bumigay ang aking depensa sa kanilang kahilingan na sumama. ang hirap maging tambay sa totoo lang. tutal walang kuryente sa bahay, mas mabuti na sigurong makapagpalamig sa ibang bahay at makapunta sa ibang parte ng pampanga.

nampucha, papunta pa lang dun, naalibadbaran na ako sa init at traffic! whoa! piyestang-piyesta! tuloy, si daddy e sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam nagsuka na.

now i hate this part. ung time na you will enter someone's house with all the eye's of the people staring at you. and fuck did i felt awkward with the amigas of my mom! i had a big shot being a dork killing time.

minsan, nacoconvince ako na may pagka-antisocial ako (ung literal na meaning ha, hindi yung totoo sa medical field). sa ganitong pagkakataon, hindi talaga ako mapipilit ng sinuman na sumama sa mga social events. i know, ang pangit tignan para sa isang nurse pero ganun talaga. at least, i am making some effort to change and i hope it is not too late.

deep down inside the commanding request to show up, alam ko na proud lang si mama pero di na kailangan na sabihin kung ano mga na-achieve at ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. i am really keeping it low. tuloy, nagturok pa ako ng glutathione sa isa sa mga amiga niya. malas lang ni tita at naka-apat akong turok gawa ng walang tourniquet at naconscious ako sa audience. talk about being comfortable with the crowd!

Mixed

nakaligtas ako sa tiyak na kapahamakan mula sa party ng kasamahan ni mama sa gym. birthday daw at imbitado ang buong pamilya pero hindi ko gustong pumunta dun para lumamon at magdagdag ng taba sa tiyan.

salamat kay benj sa pagsama saken sa practice sa choir, nakatakas ako mula sa pagrereto ng anak ng isang kaibigan ni mama saken. hindi naman sa ayaw ko pero not my type mga friends. period. tsaka pano na ang goal kong magkaanak ng may buhoy na kulay mais? so gotta stick to the plan.

*******************************************************************

masaya ang araw ko. nagsimula sa pagpunta sa church na talaga namang nagpabuti ng nararamdaman ko hanggang sa pagkikita naming mga miyembro dati ng choir nung high school. ang sarap ng pakiramdam na makasama ang mga tao na naging parte ng iyong buhay. sila na nagdulot ng saya at umukit ng mga magandang alaala.

sa pakikipagusap ko kay chard, naisip ko nasa tamang edad na rin ako para magisip ng future ko. kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. sa totoo lang, nakakainggit (in a good way) ung mga tao na alam talaga ang gusto nila sa buhay. isama mo pa ung mga tao na nagbago for the better.

*******************************************************************

i am excited...
-for changes in the coming months
-for the thought of having work again in a few months
-of leaving the country to reach higher grounds
-of thinking about my future
-of fitting in and standing out

*******************************************************************

if umabot man ako sa eleksyon sa susunod na taon, alam ko na kung sino ang iboboto ko para sa presidente.

siya na hindi nadadala ng popularidad, ng bugso ng damdamin, ng angking yaman at ng pinaniniwalaang relihiyon kungdi siya na nagtataglay ng totoong talino, ng galing at hangarin na mapabuti ang kalagayan ng bansa.

hanggang dito na muna mga kaibigan (kung meron man haha).

Just Fall on Me

just when i thought that i lost it, victory came.

it came when i felt that i did not win. when my defense mechanism to what seemed a way to protect my ego from my own fault crumbled, a light emerged.

how can i doubt You? how can i question Your greatness? how can i insult what You can do?

time and time again, i just keep falling apart. with each time i fall, You are always there to catch me...telling me to just fall on You...

p.s.
i could not find a decent video of the song so sorry. just listen to the song and feel the profound message of the song Fall on Me by Moonstar 88...

Whiner

i think i whine too much.

ang daming nangyari sa paligid ko na kadalasan, hindi ko na alam kung paano iprocess ang mga ito. all i could do is whine...

like nung sunday, i whined about having to attend the reunion on my dad' s side. bago pa dumating ang reunion, inasam ko na sana tapos na ang linggo. only to realize na ang dami kong namiss. namiss ko ang maging open sa ibang tao. lagi ko na lang kasing sinasara ang sarili ko sa aking comfort zone. nakita ko ang ibang pinsan ko pero hanggang doon lang dahil sinara ko sa isip ko na pupunta lang ako dun for the sake of going.

pauwi, may nakita kaming aksidente sa daan. isang tricycle at motor nagbanggaan. ang driver ng tricycle, walang malay at sa kanyang itsura, kritikal ang kanyang lagay. naganap iyon siguro mga 5 minuto pa lang ang lumilipas bago kami napadaan. kung napabilis ang pagpapatakbo ni dady, malamang kami ang nandun sa aksidente.

sa isang iglap, napagtanto ko ang kahalagahan ng aking pamilya. ang mga bawat sandali na kasama sila at ang mga sandali na sinasara ko ang pintuan ko para magkalapit kami.

sabi ni mark dati, masyado kang reklamador. inaamin ko naman, madalas ganito ako. hindi pala dapat kasi natatakpan na ng reklamo ung mga bagay na dapat kong ipagpasalamat. ang kulay ay nababahiran ng ibang liwanag. sa huli, hindi talaga naging tama ang magreklamo sa mga maliliit na bagay.

Bilanggo

minsan, naniniwala ako sa concept of perfection. o kaya naman ng almost perfect.

andyan si mela. may lahing kastila, matalino, mayaman, maganda at mabait. ano pa bang kulang? o kaya naman ay si line na kung saan, namili kung ano ang regalo niya sa kanyang debut- condo unit o kotse?

hindi rin pwedeng balewalain si hazel. maayos na pamilya, nagtapos sa colegio san agustin, matalino, mayaman at maganda. pwede rin si diane. half chinese, maputi, mayaman din, maganda at magaling magprogram.

dumako naman tayo kay leon. guwapo, may-kaya rin sa buhay at maayos makipagkapwa tao. mahaba ang listahan. kahit nung nagpunta ako sa egypt, ang mga nakikita ko minsan ay inakala kong sa pelikula lamang ngunit, totoo pala ito sa buhay.

sabihin na nating hindi ko lahat alam ang tunay na istorya ng buhay nila. mga problema, mga insecurities din (kung meron), mga sikreto at kung ano pa mang bahagi ng buhay nila ang nakatago. hindi maikakaila na minsan, naiingit ako. nangangarap na sana ang buhay nila ay ang buhay ko.

nakakahiya mang aminin pero dumarating ako sa punto na hindi ko maappreciate kung anong meron ako kaya't minsan, mas maganda na ikaw ay nakakulong. bilanggo sa kung ano ang meron ka nang hindi mo na naising mamuhay ng perpektong buhay ng iba.

Unworthy

guilty. i am guilty of backsliding. of lacking faith and of worrying too much.

i believe i think too much and as alfie, the friend of Dr. House in the episode entitled Broken said, thinking sucks.

it is true at this point. now that i have proven that i am not worthy of second chances.

sometimes, i am just so fucked up.

Clueless

mauudlot pala.

sa anong dahilan? hindi ko alam.

matutuloy pa ba? malay ko.

anong gagawin mo? wala akong maisip.

fuck!

*********************************************************************

more time? pwede.

more preparation? maari.

better plan? siguro.

not meant for you? baka.

fuck!

*********************************************************************

minsan, ang tadhana ay mapagbiro. sa hindi malamang kadahilanan, ang mga bagay na iyong mimithi ay biglang naglalaho.

ngumiti ka sabi nila pagkat ang tadhana ang gumuhit ng iyong kapalaran. ngunit, masisi ko ba ang aking sarili na ngumiti sa paglalaro ng aking buhay?

sawa na ako sa paghihintay at higit sa lahat, ang makipaglaro. buong buhay ko, hinayaan ko ang elemento ng tadhana at kapalaran na manguna sa akin. subalit, ano ang aking napala? isang hunghang na larangan na pilit kong pinag-iibayo sa paglinang nito. nagnanais na ito ang magtutulak sa aking tagumpay.

ang lahat ay huminto ngayon. ang lahat ay nabura. ang lahat ay nakatanaw sa susunod kong hakbang.

fuck! fuck dahil clueless ako!

Ang Aking Unang Karanasan

nung 2008, naranasan ko ang mainterview para sa isang trabaho. nagbasa ng konti at nagpractice. laking gulat ko nang dumating na ang turn ko para sa interview.

ang interview ay fake! ito'y dahil uupo ka lamang para magbasa ng kontrata at presto! may trabaho ka na. natuwa ako na nadisappoint din. pano naman, nageffort talaga ako para magbasa at magprepare tapos ganun lang pala.

bukas, isang life-changing event ang mangyayari. shhh... may interview ako bukas para sa isang posibleng trabaho! siyet, kinakabahan ako kasi wala talaga akong pormal na experience sa pagharap sa mga interview. di ko alam kung magsusunog ako ng kilay sa pagbabasa o maghanda ng mga sasabihin tungkol saking sarili.

basta, Thy will be done! kung saken, saken talaga mapupunta kung hindi, may rason naman un.

huhu. dapat pala nagbabasa na ako!

Ano ang Plano Mo sa Buhay?

this week, medyo naging busy ako.

nung monday, nagpunta ako sa isang agency para tignan kung ano ang mapapala ko sa pag-aapply sa kanila. mukhang ok naman kaso, parang nakakatakot lang maglabas ng pera. tuesday, sa bahay lang at maghapon nagiinternet nagbabakasakling may mga sumagot sa mga pinasahan ko ng CV ko.

wednesday, nagpunta ako sa isang ospital malapit sa amin para magpasa ng CV at gaya ng inaasahan, hindi pa tumatanggap ang ospital ng mga aplikante sa ngayon. pagkatapos sa ospital, direcho kami ni ate sa sm. naglakad-lakad at nagpalamig.

thursday, nagpunta sa makati para sa isang work opportunity kay ate. sinabay na din ang pamamasyal sa trinoma sa pag-asang makapagshopping ng konti at sa huli, narealize ko na mahirap magshopping ng masyadong mataas ang standards pero kakaunti ang pera. hahaha

friday, sa bahay lang. nagdesisyon ako na kailangan kong maging aktibo. hindi ko na hihintayin na magkatrabaho pa para lang pumayat.

ano na naman kaya ang naghihintay sa akin sa susunod na linggo?

nabuhay ako nang ganito katagal na nagpaplano lagi. lahat ay dapat pinaghahandaan. mas nagiging komportable kasi ako kung alam ko na ang lahat ay aking naayos.

subalit, hindi rin nagiging mabuti ang laging may plano dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras e umaayon ang mga pangyayari. at sa ganang iyon, naiisip mo na ikaw ay isang malaking kabiguan.

dahil dito, mas nanaisin mo na lang na huwag kumilos. maghintay na lang dahil takot ka na muling mabigo sa iyong plano.

pero ano nga ba ang saysay ng buhay kung ikaw ay puno ng takot sa magiging takbo ng iyong buhay?

nabuhay ka ba dahil sa plano? ano ang plano mo?

Qaitbay Citadel

happy thoughts naman. i have no regrets of working in egypt. in fact, i am really thankful for that chance of gaining experience and the chance to tour the beautiful country.

nung magdecide na akong aalis from the hospital, i made sure that i will be able to visit majority of the tourist spots egypt has to offer. though naging magastos, i really had great time.

aside from the pyramids, madami pang lugar ang egypt na talaga namang sobra sa ganda. i will start first with my trip to alexandria particularly sa qaitbay citadel.



The Citadel of Qaitbay (or the Fort of Qaitbay) is a 15th century defensive fortress located on the Mediterranean sea coast, built upon/from the ruins of the Lighthouse of Alexandria, in Alexandria, Egypt. It was established in 1477 AD by Sultan Al-Ashraf Sayf al-Din Qa'it Bay (Wikipedia.org).



The front view of the Citadel.



Inside the Citadel. This is the ceiling.



this view is just so majestic. i was standing in the back part of the Citadel facing the Mediterranean Sea.



i felt like i was in europe. more to come!

Bangon

sasabihin ko sa iyo ito: hindi masamang mabigo at hindi natatapos ang lahat sa mga kabiguan.

ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas pero bakit tila nakabaon ka pa rin sa nangyari sa nakaraan. takot. nangangamba. bakit? hindi naman nagtatapos ang buhay at mundo mo diyan.

mangarap ka. humayo ka at abutin ang langit. hindi pa huli ang lahat. ang kailangan mo lamang gawin ay maniwala sa iyong sarili na ang lahat ay makakaya mo. bumangon ka. hindi pa huli ang lahat ate.

Pagsasadula ng mga Pangarap

malinaw ang gusto ko sa simula pa lang. manirahan sa ibang bansa at maranasan ang mga bagay na napapanood sa tv. magdrive ng sariling sasakyan, magsapatos sa loob ng bahay na naka-carpet na mga kuwarto, kumain sa local pub kasama ang mga barkada, magcivilian clothes sa school na hatid sundo ng school bus at maranasan ang mga buhay ng pinapanood kong bida sa dawson's creek o kaya naman ng young americans.

sabihin mo ng colonial mentality. siguro nga sapagkat pagkabata, naranasan ko kung pano mamuhay nang may konting kasaganaan mula sa pagpapakahirap ng aking ama sa ibang bansa. masarap. komportable. kaya't sa ganitong nabuong diwa ay umusbong ang hangarin kong makapagtrabaho at makapamuhay sa abroad.

simple lang naman un. mamuhay doon at magtrabaho. matamasa ang ilang bagay na pinapangarap pero bakit ganun ang nagiging kapalaran ko? bakit tila may pumipigil? katulad na lamang ng aberya na dulot ng 9/11 attack sa new york na kung saan nilalakad na ang aming mga papeles para makapunta doon. dahil sa nangyaring pag-atake, sumabog na rin na parang bula ang aming tsansa na makapunta sa u.s.

hindi ko rin malilimutan ang pagtanggi ng canada sa kagustuhan naming maging mamamayan niya. naging masakit para sa amin.

at heto, sa pangalawang henerasyon ng aming pamilya, ito na ang aking pagkakataon upang maisakatuparan ang lahat ng aming pangarap. ngunit, bakit ganon? parang nauulit na naman ang mga pangyayari na kung saan sa bandang huli, nanonood na naman ako ng mga palabas na gusto ko. nanonood pa rin at hindi pa rin ako ang bida. hindi pa rin ako ang gumaganap sa buhay na gusto ko...

Intimacy Versus Isolation

"hindi ka tanga, mas ginagamit mo lang ang puso mo."
-lola ni persiveranda sa tv show ni ruffa mae quinto.

kung hindi ako tanga at kung hindi ko ginagamit ang puso ko, ano ako? napaisip ako sa linyang ito. i found the plot of the tv show very shallow but this line caught me unguarded.

i had to ask myself this question. at 24, so single since birth, i thought something is wrong with me. so are my friends. last friday, we had a great time chatting while sipping another dose of caffeine via starbucks. the mood was serious, inspiring and challenging. somehow, we drifted to the topic of being completely successful. us being great at careers but nothing when it comes to the love department.

then the thought of us becoming unsuccessful came as we stumbled upon erik erikson's psychosocial theory. at our age, we are already at the intimacy versus isolation stage. the main goal is here that we find intimacy through basically from work, relationships and family.

sa totoo lang, intimacy when you will first encounter it, is more intimacy sa relationships. ang intimacy through work or career e naisip lang ng mga tao na kagaya namin. may trabaho pero walang love life. ayon din sa theory, hindi ka normal kapag hindi mo nalampasan ang stage na ito kasi stagnant ka na dito. hindi ka magpoprogress sa next stage which is generativity versus stagnation. nakakatakot din. nakakakaba kasi some point in your life, you will realize that it is true.

all my life, i have been thinking about succeeding and in the end, i never felt the need to be loved by someone. so now, i am paying the price of not giving into it. moreso, not heading to the advice of erikson. but it is not too late right?

Truths About Waiting

the waiting time is the hardest moment. mas mahirap pa sa mga ginawa mong paghahanda. it makes you paranoid and downright crazy. mga pagkakataon na napapatanong ka sa sarili mo. ibinigay mo ba ang lahat ng iyong makakaya?

i never really liked waiting. it bores me and it is cruel. cruel in the sense that it makes me squirm in anticipation. the nerves would also climb down into my spine and every waking moment of my life is filled with questions and plans. plans for a failed attempt at life. ganito ako. i do not live in chaos much more in discord.

they say that in waiting you are developed. you develope patience and perseverence. then what diba? hindi ba mas maganda na wala ng paghihintay? hindi ba mas praktikal na umulit o kaya ay gumawa ng ibang paraan kapag ang isang pagtatangka ay nabigo? ang oras na inilagi sa paghihintay ay oras na maaring magamit sa pagsasagawa ng bagong hangarin sa buhay. this is what i would like to say to myself.

but life is not like that. everyone has to undergo the pains of waiting. each night, i like to convince myself that waiting is good. no, therapeutic. but then again, i still have to wait to see this happen in me.

Hanging Church and Citadel of Salah El Din

itutuloy ko ang aking naging paglalakbay sa egypt. eto pa ang mga ibang larawan na kuha doon:


hanging church sa mar gergis, egypt


still sa hanging church


sa citadel of salah el din


palabas sa the sphynx


at siyempre, kailangan ang picture with the camel! yay!

Pyramids at Sphinx

nangangati akong magtagalog. kaya kahit malapit na ang ielts exam ko, gagamitin ko muna ang ating sariling wika.

nung nagtatrabaho ako, maraming bagay ang tila napabayaan ko. nandyan ang aking kalusugan pati na rin ang komunikasyon sa mga ilang mahal ko sa buhay. naging abala sa pagpapahinga mula sa 12 oras na pagtatrabaho.

ngayong wala na akong trabaho, nagkaroon ako ng oras para gawin ang ilang bagay na noon ko pa dapat ginawa. isa na rito ang pagpopost ng mga larawan kuha sa egypt. kaya heto, sisimulan ko sa mga kuha ko sa pyramids at sphinx.


sa taas ng pyramids.


perfect shape.


ang sphinx at ako.


nasolo ko rin!


ang panorama. ang tanging lugar kung san kuha ang tatlong pyramids


inspired by coldman's visit in aspen

Of Hopes and Dreams

i have high hopes. even when i was young, i would dream bigger than the rest of my siblings. i am determined and when needed, i am bold in making decisions.

and so i did it again with me going back home. no money and no clear assurance to where i am going as my next job, i still pursued it. all for the bigger dreams. this is what i would like to instill in my stubborn mind in each morning i wake up.

it is necessary as i come to convince myself, that being motivated and driven to that one goal would lead me to higher grounds. however, after two days of searching here and there for a job, my future seemed gloomy.

some would require me taking the ielts again and this other specific agency wants currently employed nurses for their client. hello! currently employed? are you crazy? are they not informed about the current situation of the nurses here?

after waiting for nothing for 20 minutes and giving my all in their english exam, the hr personnel did not even give a look to my credentials. amazing. at this point, i cannot understand why these people would do the screening process whereas they cannot even understand the duties and responsibilities of nurses much more the specific nursing areas.

maybe i am just bitter. well, i am because that is a job offer in norway! the best country to live at this moment of time!

after that event, i kinda succumbed to self-pity and doubt. i began questioning my direction and my goal but, this is not the right time. as i have said, i dream big.

Now or Never

bakit ganon? parang lahat nalang ng efforts ko to be in a better place e laging naboblock. simula dun sa nareject na application ng family for migration sa canada, sa napostpone na trabaho ni dady sa U.S. kasama sana kami kung hindi dahil sa 9/11 at hanggang ngayon sa pag-apply ko sa australia. it seems that all roads leading to australia are being blocked someway or another.

i felt panic at first. shocks, ayaw ko ng bumalik sa egypt. i mean the work is ok but the people? i don't know. however, now is not the time to give up. after all, umuwi na ako at nandito na ito. i might as well do with what i have. God will provide sabi nga so i'll stick to this conviction of having to aim higher. kasi i believe, it is now or never.

Balikbayan Blues

what is it with "Balikbayans" that everybody thinks that they have sacks of dollars and that they are obliged to treat everybody back home?

yesterday, i have spoken with a friend who still works overseas. as expected, she told me that she deserves a treat from me and i asked her why since it is she who has still work and who will be the balikbayan come december. funny how this mentality of Filipinos persists in this time of crisis. it is no wonder that a lot of OFWS come home with some money and end up with no money. i really wish that it would change.

it is not about my cousin telling me that "Hindi ako mabiro kahit sa pang-inom lang." it is the thought that i did not work in other places just to have it spent on liquor or to cigarettes. i have been doing care for patients who are not able to. i give them baths. i clean them when they pass stool. i give them medications. oftentimes, i handle patients with communicable diseases. i am constantly exposed to such biological hazards that working sometimes is a danger for me.

i eat beyond mealtimes. my sleep pattern is crazy. sometimes, i am not able to sit even for just 30 minutes in the whole 12-hour shift. i spent my birthday, Christmas and New Year away from home and the comfort of my family. now, is it really okay for me to spend the little money i have earned for such reasons? have they not thought of the "balikbayans" tomorrow?

it is in this thought that i ask now for forgiveness to my special friends who are a little bit "nagtatampo" due to my silence of having arrived here. sorry my friends. i am still in the process of adjusting from "balikbayan" blues.

Home

and i finally arrived. yes my friends, i am now on the Philippine soil. no more sallah. no more mohammed everywhere. no more "putok." no more gossips, rumors and frustrations. no more frenemies. no more power-tripping people. no more patients demanding every second of my attention. more importantly, no more work and no more money. so what's next?

surreal. that is how i will describe my four days of being here in the Philippines. at first, i said to myself that nothing's new. i realized, the place and the people, they are not new but me being immersed again in this circumstance is new. after a year of being away and living in a very conservative place, i am now in this very dynamic and very different place. i felt like a stranger to my own country and it is just so weird.

i have always feared the feeling of this awkwardness and the thought of what is next for me. i guess it is just normal to experience these once you are out of your comfort zone. so do i miss egypt? a little bit. i more comfortable here. truly, there is no place like home.

Salam Egypt!

it was august 27 last year when i had the text message that i am set to leave for egypt by first week of september. at that time, i had already abandoned the plan of working where i am now. i have waited for it for about six months and i figured that it aint gonna happen.

so i pursued my nclex application and my plans to go to australia as well. things started pretty well until this text message changed my course of actions. i said to myself, a work experience is still a work experience. and so year later, i am celebrating my one year anniversary here in egypt and waiting for october 2, today, the date i will leave egypt.

i could have stayed longer. i could have finished my contract. i could have endured the situation of being away from home. but, i cannot endure the feeling that i am not suited into this place of people who do not have the penchant of excellence at work. i cannot take the thought that i am better off somewhere else rather in this ill-fated place of opportunists and greedy people.

i should thank them. yes, i should. for the trust to put a newbie in icu and for the belief that i can survive it. thank you for the small salary that is always cut by my penalty for absences because without it, i cannot have my fiona and sitti- my laptop and digicam. i should thank them for friends that i've met, for my colleagues in ccu that are truly worth keeping for life-ate emma, mark, gerby, jen, aidel,liza and she. i should thank them for letting me work with dr. shamy and dr. magrabhy for they believe and appreciate my work. i should thank them for the lessons in life that i have learned in the hard way. for making me feel that i should stand up for my rights, for what i want in my life and for what i truly believer is right.

i could cry over the hardships i endured, the body weight i've lost, the emotional upsets that occur to me over my persistence to be always at my best. i will miss egypt and all the special people i keep in my heart.

Birthday Prayer

life coming to a point of remembering its culmination is a glorious and meaningful event. today, it is my 24th birthday.

i didn't want to be melodramatic or succumb to a mellow mood. i should be happy because first and foremost, i have reached another year of blessings and goodness. second, i am going home amidst all doubts and fears. third, i just came from an extraordinary tour around egypt. i say the best gift i have received so far.

with my departure in egypt coming so fast, i started fixing my things. i chanced upon my old pictures and a smile came into my face as i saw how plump i was before. gosh, egypt has done a lot for me-some good and some bad.

sometimes, i don't want the kind of life i have but indeed, God is really intelligent. i now appreciate my life better. i see it in a different light.

God, thank you so much for the life that i have. all that i have and all that i am, are because of You. thank you for the challenges that came my way and thank you for the guidance you have provided to make me overcome those difficulties. thank you for opening my eyes to reality and making me act instead of closing again my eyes and forget what i saw. thank you for the courage always ready to push me. thank you for my family who is always supporting me. thank you for the friends that i have, the mentors, colleagues and for the random people who make my life special and meaningful.

thank you for the chance to be here in egypt. thank you for making me experience a lot of things both good and bad. thank you for the realizations that i have made through your intervention in my life.

help me to become a blessing for the people that i meet and for the people that i have in my life. continue your work in me o Lord. thank you and to You i trust my life. Amen.

Numbered

my days in egypt are numbered. by october 2, ill be eating my last breakfast and lunch in egypt. i dont know if i will be able to return here in the future and so i am set to spend my days here to the fullest.

it is just so sad that it had to come to this point in my stay here that i am cramming to visit all the nice places there are. oh well, no time for regrets.

here are some of my pictures here in egypt.

Back Again

robbed of a mobile phone and a few pounds, i am still alive. it never happened before in the philippines and for the second time in my life, i felt so scared of my life.

i knew what i had to do, but to give sitti? i might think again. God is stil merciful and so i am here again. and waiting. waiting for october 2 to come home to the philippines.

i am excited...

Moving Out, Moving In

after three months, i am moving out again. for this, i will be on a hiatus for some time.

till then, i am still going to wait for that response.

goodbye old flat and hello to our new home.

Of Death and a Day Shining with Hope

second day and still got no response. more prayers to come. maybe they are preparing the draft for the letter? but what would it contain? oh well, i will just wait.

last night, i received a patient of which i was not aware upon entering the unit that he is going down. opening to that door of doom as many people will call, i heard some familiar sounds. sounds of a defibrillator and an open crash cart. i never thought that those sounds will be coming from my patient.

a cancer patient, again and a terminal one. unknown in origin, the cancer has spread all over his body. unconscious now, with blood pressure as low as 34/10 without cardiac support, i just had a deep breath for what is to come on my shift. receiving him, i felt that he will die in my shift because after all, he almost died i the day shift as the outgoing nurse endorsed. he is for no code blue now or meaning, he will not be resuscitated should he crash again. to spice up the shift, i would have the extra duty of checking and refilling the opened crash cart. not an easy extra duty i'll say.

i did not complain of the assignment nor of the extra duty assignment. coming from a three days off and going for your one night duty made it all a little bit fitting for me. nevertheless, the thought of losing a patient is not a good sight to see.

at 9:50, i saw zero heart rate in the monitor. calling the doctor, he confirmed it. sobs from the relatives were heard all over the unit. this is the part i dread the most more than caring for a dead body.

maybe i am used to see dying people. when i was a child, just hearing somebody from the family that a relative died, it made me shiver in utmost disbelief and denial. years forward, i am made into an individual who does not find disbelief in dying. an inevitable one, especially for the type of patients that i handle, it has turned me into a different person.

two patients for this month. two patients dying in my shift. not really a pleasant one. as my patient was being cared for last night, i whispered that he say to his Creator that He not forget my prayer as the Filipino tradition played its part on me.

but for now, here is a bright day for all of us to remind that every day brings forth a new hope. as for me, a new hope that i will get the response in the coming days.

Nine Days of Waiting and Ten Thousand Prayers

no word still from the board to where i applied. the single response that i have been waiting for so long. the response that will direct the next few months of my stay here in egypt.

i know that the most logical thing to do is to wait and pray. i guess a man's life is composed of waiting for somethings to unfold in God's time. honestly, it is difficult.

talking to my friends back home, cautiously scanning the chances of me getting hired there, seems a little bit unclear. however, i must pursue it to reach higher grounds of being the nurse that i am trying to portray.

who would have thought that this would take so many complicated twists and turns in becoming the accomplished nurse that every college student in the philippines tries to be?

so today is my first official day of waiting for the response with a prayer in my heart. much like that of a novena.

in the end, i would just like to share this morning picture of egypt from our flat.

Picking Up What is Left of Me

so i just found out that the post i made was deleted by me accidentally. it was supposed to be a masterpiece of my intimate disgust and disbelief to where i am now and what i have become. lolz. not really. so here i am, picking up what is left of that post.

no more overtime for us. after struggling to get by the first half of the month with the super stiff and physically taxing schedule, two shifts should be removed from our schedule. great isn't it? but not really because of a power tripping Hobbit in the person of our supervisor. WTF is asking from her the permission to have your off? it is deeply maddening to even think about it. it is your off right? i understand her concern about the staffing but that problem should be solved by the house supervisor and not her. is she trying to impress everybody with her new found authority? i hope not because as of today, i hate her a million times.

oh well, i am leaving this place. yeah. this decision came up after few days of torturous shifts rooted to the impossible patients and shitty policies of the hospital. i do not want to sound ungrateful for the time i spent here. i am grateful for the experience, the little money and the friends that i have but to continue to work here in which i cannot even declare my stint here when applying to other hospitals in other countries is not just sensible.

i might as well start all over again and risk it all back home. going home may seem bleak for the difficulty of finding a job but in another perspective, it is a refreshing solution to the gloomy and exhausted me.

from now on, my ears are shut to the uninvited comments of "friendly neighbors" contemplating what had happened to me the past year. instead, my eyes are open to all possible opportunities that await me.

going back home maybe is not that scary at all. with fiona and sitti with me.



my fiona



my sitti

Image is Everything

since my tweener years, i have wanted to live abroad. study and work there. for me, the real life is out there. it not situated in the burrows of my barrio life riding jeepneys and walking into knee-high floods back at home. i felt i am destined to a suburban area, going to coffee shops, meeting friends at a local pub or something.

blame it to century-old colonial mentality, i just assumed that i can be better by having a different nationality. with all the negative publicity we are flashing the whole world, i have somehow lost some love for my nationality.

recently, i discovered a website that sets up conversations with strangers. of course, the asl part is always there. in this present times, a lot of racists still exists. that is when i found out, that my being filipino is still a lot cooler than being the citizen from where i am now. it is just heartbreaking sometimes that a lot of people do not want to associate with people they consider to be inferior, uneducated or just totally lower with their status/standards.

i met a dutch, younger than me, who is really cool. i also met a korean girl who is like a younger sister to me. somehow, little by little, i am coming out of my comfort zone and starting to experience the world. it makes me feel that sooner or later, i might meet my love of my life.

at the end of each conversation, image is everything. the world pays an important attention to what we project.

i hope i am projecting myself the right way.

The Sheryl Cruz Effect

yesterday, i heard the most painful words a patient has ever told me. i almost cried and i told myself, i do not deserve this.

cancer is an extremely painful disease. it affects not only a single part of the body. it spreads to the surrounding parts of its origin and sometimes, to the whole body. my patient has cancer of pancreas and has spread to his bones and liver.

according to Wikipedia.org, each year in the United States, about 42,470 individuals are diagnosed with this condition and 35,240 die from the disease. the prognosis is generally poor; less than 5 percent of those diagnosed are still alive five years after diagnosis. complete remission is still extremely rare. that being said, it is a very depressing condition. i have seen also other patients with the same condition who deteriorated very fast after being admitted in our unit. with all these in mind, i should be very understanding right?

but i am only human. i have my limitations and bad days. every shift, i handle difficult cases. before, i was called the sheryl cruz while my colleague mark was called gladys reyes. me, being the "patweetums nurse" and mark, being the "mataray nurse." until now, i still have that patweetums effect in taking care of my patients. as much as possible, i try to accommodate their every need to which, they are spoiled patients.

yesterday, i tried to maintain that sheryl cruz effect but to no avail. who would run out of patience for a patient who rings you every five minutes? or after you came to his room, would ask you again just to ask you where the bell is? or to help him turn to his side but when you attempt to turn him, would refuse and said he cannot do it? or how about making him sleep after i have given him a tranquilizer? worst, making him handsome?

i can endure all this, but to say to me that i cannot give him instructions because i am just a nurse and he is a surgeon? why not go out of the hospital and treat himself? at that moment, i just wished that he'd die asap! that he will be ventilated and unconscious for the time being but God forbid that i entertain those thoughts.

i felt like i was choking and losing grip of my status as a person and as a nurse. after all the attempts to understand and make him feel better, this is what i get? hell no! i am only human.

i left his room peaceful in appearance but inside of me, i want to burst and spill the poison in my blood that i have been hiding. i want to poison my charge nurse for giving this assignment to me and to give it also to one colleague who always messes with patient assignment as well. i want to inject them with a 10 cc of hepatitis b-infected blood, the security, the lazy housekeeping and the very slow cafeteria staff.

but then again, the sheryl cruz effect still reigned inside of me.