Well-Spent

i'd like to begin this post with my facebook status:

"Bad year? Not even close. With last night's affair with high school friends, new work, good health and God's unfailing love, every year gets better!"

2010 is about to end. with it, i am sending all my heartaches, worries and insecurities so all the goodness life has to offer will come rushing in. so here i am, trying to look back on the year that was...

january

the year started on a positive note. until on the third day, i got drunk. i smoked. and to top it all, my favorite players lost their important matches. there's rafa, roddick and the feu women's volleyball team. i was being impatient with my work in the u.k.



until i shaved my head.

february

still crazy for u.k. people at home going nuts over what has to be done. former housemates not responding to any message i sent for the arrangement of my documents...



not really a nice month i guess but i did try to learn new things like spanish. photo taken here.

march
documents and documents. waiting and waiting. delay and another delay. i had them all for the chance to work in the u.k. i had problems and i knew that it was going to be hard for me to get there. so while waiting, i watched this...



april
i did not go to u.k. i was left here in the philippines. a neighbor became sick and i helped her get better. rafa won a freaking tennis tournament after almost a year of not winning any! made myself busy by helping other people upgrade their resume. i learned from sheng about trusting God's plan and timing... i waited for the time to take my bite like him...



may
karen left for singapore. dad was still trying to work things out so i can go to u.k. i was depressed. stressed of thinking how to solve my problem with regards to work documents for u.k. i complained about nurses being exploited here in the country and why i will never work here. i wanted to go to isabela. here...



june
i backslided with my faith after i knew finally, that i was not going to u.k. my search for meaning, for reasons continued. jonah's uncle provided some guidance. i was thankful for friends who stood with me during these times...



july
benj left for singapore as well. little by little, i have accepted the fact that u.k. was not for me. i started to look for work even if it looked hopeless. i attended the training for red cross. spain won at the world cup! i had hope for better things. i got some inspiration from spain and from my friends...





august
i got new job! yay! though it was not a regular nursing job, i was just happy to be working. pau from trinidad and tobaggo went home and had a reunion with my a23 tropa! august was like the new year. a lot of fresh starts and blessed events. and i had closure with the u.k. offer.





september
my birthday came! i celebrated it with officemates and it was a fun-filled day... except for the office monster!



october
i felt their disappointment. the frustration and finally, the desparation. i understood them. we were running out of finances to meet the needs of the family. i met nam and rian! internet celebrities! haha. they both deserve separate entries on this blog...



november
we moved to a new room. it was better. i was attending a new church. it was refreshing. more than being blessed. depression still occupied some space in my life. i was in a situation wherein i wanted to do more but could not. but there was victory in this toil...



december
the last month of the year. but was the reminder that i was indeed a blessed one after all. though work seemed to reach its saturation point, i was grateful since i was able to give more. friends were again reminders of how fortunate i am in this world. the family seems to be more accepting of life's offerings for us. my sister received her visa. then last night's affair.








to you 2010:
thank you. i had the extremes of life. success and failure. happiness and desolation. solitude and friendship. dreams and realities of life. hope and despair. good times and bad times.

i was made to be a stronger person. more open. more forgiving of my shortcomings. more affectionate towards people and to myself. i became closer to God. i rediscovered friendships. met old friends and had some friends leave me here in the philippines.

i learned a lot. i will still learn more this coming year. and i guess, there is no good year or bad year.

only a year well-spent. goodbye 2010 and welcome 2011!

cheers! to life. to success. to good health. to renewed faith. to contentment. to happiness.

happy new year!

Single

solitude. the reward for being different. the penalty for being different.

Kris and Ai-Ai

september 2009.

bubot. medyo chubby. excited na magkatrabaho. saktong sakto ang dating ko sa egypt. that time, gusto ko lang magtrabaho mula sa halos mag-iisang taon na pagiging tambay.

feu grad din. tahimik. mukhang takot saken. ni ayaw akong kausapin. pero bakit?

so hindi na ako nagpumilit na makipagclose sa kanya. pero, nagbago ang lahat ng wala na siyang makasama sa critical care unit. at dahil natural ang pagiging ambisyoso ko, sumama ako ng hindi alam ang naghihintay samen sa ccu.

unang linggo. hindi pa gaanong close. tahimik siya at mukhang iwas sa pakikipag-usap ngunit dahil kami lang dalawa ang pinoy, no choice na siya.

nung mag-iisang buwan, nagsimula kaming maging close. friend ang tawagan namen. lagi man kaming magkasama sa shift, lagi naman kaming magkalayo sa unit. magkabilang dulo. kapag may parehong hindi alam, nagdadasal kami na sana may tumulong. kung toxic ang isa, pumupuslit kung sino ang hindi toxic para tumulong.

isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako nakatagal ng isang taon sa egypt. sa lahat ng hirap, andun siya. sa lahat ng kalokohan niya, sinasama niya ako. kagaya nalang ng talakan niya ang isang senior samen at dinamay ako. nafrustrate ako dahil ayaw ko ng gulo.

sa huli, pinarealize niya saken na kailangan kong manindigan at maki-anib sa kung sino ang tunay na kaibigan.

magaling siyang magluto. kakaiba ang taste. paborito si regine velasquez at kris aquino na pareho kong ayaw. pero pareho kaming mahilig mang-okray haha. matapos ang ilang buwan, iniwan ko siya sa egypt. sa totoo lang, namiss ko siya though nung mga huling araw ko sa egypt, baliw na baliw siya sa kanyang boyfriend at parang nakalimutan ako.

nung lunes, nagkita kami ulit. wala pa rin pagbabago samen. nagbabatuhan pa rin ng panlalait at kung anu ano pa. ginugulat ko sa mga forbidden questions.

walang pagbabago. buo pa rin ang magfriendship.

Merry

i thought it was the happiest one. simple. not much shouting or arguing. but it was. as it should be.

to date, yesterday was the merriest Christmas i could remember.

The Great Pretender

I will spend my remaining hours in the office pretending.

Well, pretending to work. Again. Excuse me, but people here in the office are already in their vacation mode. So there, I am not exempted.

Last night, I felt like giving my head a smack for deliberately choosing to be dictated by GLEE. I admit. I watched Darren Criss’ performance at the Trinoma Mall.

Being trapped in a moving Divisoria via the MRT, I still pursued. I was harassed by the commuter’s sweaty bodies. I had to inhale the hunger breath of ordinary Filipinos. I had to squeeze my body just to fit inside.

Waiting for almost one hour to see him sing also did not discourage me. But this question, of me still being rational in doing all these things, had failed to win me over and make me go home and rest.

I had an excuse people. My sister and I met so we could buy gifts to our grandma.

Watching Darren was just a bonus. Seriously.



He sang. He talked. But I was bored for I did not know 3/4 of the songs he sang. Worse, the scream of his rabid fans were plain irritating.

But what made it all worthy? My time with my sister.

Her text today telling me that her visa was already released made me thankful for all the trouble I endured yesterday. She will be leaving early January.

But I will still pretend that I enjoyed Darren's performance.

*Photo taken here.

Of Giving and Receiving

i am currently working with my second job.

my first one was when i was still in egypt. working like an oppressed israelite. my salary was not really much back then.

with my current job, my salary is just half from what i was receiving with my first one.

but you see, i am almost 80% ready to give gifts to my family and relatives. i have helped in the daily expenses in the house and was able to contribute some to the allowance of my brother.

considering that i have less now, i am giving more actually.

in all these things, there is one thing i have learned. the more you give, the more you received.

since working again, i have lost around five kilos.

i did not go to gym. i did not engage myself into running regularly. i just controlled my diet. i eat oats and fruits. i made my eating schedule fixed. i may have spent more. but, i have also lost more weight.

now this realization made it clearer why some aspects of my life, i have received less. worse, nothing.

of course there is my love life. mistake. sorry. there is the love life. that should be the correct one because technically, i do not have one. i believe that i am not in love, yet, because i do not give myself more to other people.

and it can only stem from this: i do not give love to myself enough for me to be loved by other people.

i guess i am ready for christmas.

Prayers and Smiles

each morning, i pray for a good day at the office.

even with the incident from my last post, i prayed that day. but, i must admit that i was really affected with it.

so today, i let it all be left with the passing of each day. no more looking back to whatever bad things told about me.

i was in this positive mood while walking on my way to the hospital when i saw a certain figure. it's the employee who told bad things about me!

at first, i did not know how to react. my lips offered a simple prayer for the Lord to take control of me. then peace came to my senses.

even at the time-in machine, i never saw her image. i was saved.

that's what i thought.

for when i was helping out my boss in distributing his gifts, i saw her again! you know it when people are guilty of their acts. they will try to avoid you. normally, she would be chatty and touchy (eeww) towards me. she'd blab about everything that i have no interest.

i believe when people say bad things about you that are not true and undeserved, they create a certain manhole. this manhole, unfortunately, catches them and traps them there.

i can smile now. not because her manager will not have any staff by next year nor this employee's avoidance towards me. i can smile now for i am able to control myself...

The Kingdom of Linen

i just had the sign i was waiting for.

right now, i am shaking. i am shaking in complete frustration over an employee here in the hospital. you remember how i endure the pains of doing the linen inventory? well, this employee was from the linen department.

my boss is the head of other departments aside from our division. this employee, was also under my boss but immediately reporting to another manager. to make the story short, this employee said a lot of things that made her manager go berserk. these are the concerns he relayed to my boss:

1.) i want to rule the linen department.

can i just say that every time i receive the email about the date of the linen inventory, i take a deep breath in anticipation of the task before me? never in my wildest dreams. my feet always hurt from the whole day of walking and counting.

i have come to love the people from the linen. but not this bitch. it was her that made my boss to decide to include me in the inventory.

i actually hate doing it. i hate waking up early to be at the hospital at 7:00 am. my work starts at 8:00 am but i still leave at 5:00 pm. i do it for my boss.

so please, do the honor. take linen inventory away from me. it is not included in my key results area. i am never paid for it. besides, i have fallen in love with my profession so this idea of me wanting to take over the line department is fuckingly stupid.

2.) i have an "attitude problem."

okay. and another okay. plus a shrug.

what attitude? this manager never saw me working with his staff. or this bitch. i never worked with her. i worked with the people who had to shoulder the heavy work of providing linens to all patients in the hospital.

i address them as "sir and ma'am" though technically, i am higher in position. i do it out of respect. i go with them. i stand when they stand. i don't sit until the inventory is done. i never complain.

even if i do not have mask when the soiled linen are being counted, you won't hear anything from me.

i am a nurse. and i am trained to interact with people from all walks of life. i respect the people from linen. in fact, i admire them for their noble acts. they often get unappreciated and they are stationed in a very small office.

but i appreciate them. i value their work.

i guess the manager should have talked to me before giving a call to my boss. in fairness to my boss, he defended me. he dismissed all accusations against me. especially point number 1.

receiving my salary and bonus is already a great gift for today. but the sign?

there goes the sign. i just wish that this is what God would want me to believe.

Bonus

antok. tinatamad.

after the last night's party, everyone's feeling like that. and to top it all, ang bonus for christmas ay mukhang magiging bonus for new year.

hello?? after christmas? ang gastos kaya e concentrated before christmas.

hay ewan nalang talaga sa management ng ospital.

but i had fun last night. though major disappointment ang food. natuwa lang ako sa mga dance number.

somehow, i felt i belonged to a large family. something i never experienced in egypt. it was nice. it was fun.

so i guess, this year ain't so cruel after all.

Go Away

I am fat. Not really that fat actually. I just have this big belly and disturbing man boob.s My body mass index tells me that I am overweight.

My teeth have spaces. They are not properly spaced and gaps tend to describe how the seating arrangement of IV-Genesis back in my high school would look like.

Stretch marks have acquired permanent residency in my belly, arms and legs. They constantly remind me how much I have grown. In short, they shout F-A-T at me.

My chin has gained a brother back when I was breaking out from my school age. And until now, it creates this large face I see whenever my photographs are taken.

If the oil in my face can be used for cooking, I think that one whole crispy pata can be fried. Three hours after applying some amount of talc, my stubborn forehead and nose start to shine from afar.

I guess I inherited the skin of my dad. Dry. Oily. Dark spots (specially on the pits). Dandruff. Shall I say thank you, Dad?

How about my voice? I have lost count how many times I was thought of as a woman when I answer telephone calls. Soft spoken. A little bit pitchy in the way Randy Jackson would tell an American Idol contestant.

This is me now and probably, until I die.

Over the years, I have always battled that voice in my head telling me that I am no good and that I am perfectly fugly. That no one will probably fall in love with me.

I am bidding goodbye to that voice. I am letting it go. May you peacefully join 2010 and never come back in my life…

The Wisdom of the Linen

Today, I am doing again the linen inventory. It is the time when I get to see and smell soiled linens, count here and there for stocks each department in the hospital has and mingle with people who have been working in the hospital long before I was born in this world.

I learn about life. I learn about patience. I learn mostly about humility.

I learn about myself.

Loan

A decision was finally made: the loan is disapproved.

After my parent’s put their hopes on that loan, everything now seems to be unsure. Uncertain. Thing is, my parents never saw it coming and I just don’t know how my parents will face this new challenge.

Reason? It is because the bank found out that we are related to this uncle. He is dad’s brother who is hiding from all those people trying to get their money back.

And I am just speechless right now as to what am I going to say. Or how to react. Jonah did not receive her salary for this month. Much more, her 13th month pay and bonus.

Will Christmas happen this year to our family? Definitely.

But I won’t go to the part where I feel so ideal and being materialistic is such a superficial reaction to the holidays.

I guess that my life right now is starting to be at peace with the event s of my life. I do not worry over these things as I have let go of constantly controlling the conduct of my life. Things come and go. Shit happens and shit fades.

Right now, I am really praying that I can muster enough financial blessings from the gods of the hospital so I can contribute for a decent Noche Buena and likable gifts to my inaanak.

Goodbye intensified bass headset. Goodbye awesome planner. Goodbye flattering pair of jeans.

See you next year!

Sabel, This Must Be Love!

I would often call her Judy Abbott. Her curly hair would sometimes stand sideward. Hence, the name of the cartoon character.

She has these amazing expressive eyes that we always tell her that her exotic looks would make any Caucasian guy crazy for her.

Most of the time, she is stuck with the demands of life. I call her always as the absent-minded friend that I always had. But, she is funny. Even without trying to be.

As her friend, I had the privilege of making her life real- by making it miserable. I would always hit her with my in-your-face comments and smack her for falling head over heels for a random guy (‘cause I am that great as a friend).

I do it because I care for her. But, no more worries now, folks!

Because today, she is going to Saudi for work. And I just learned about it last night! With that, there was no way for me to give bullsh*t on why I should attend her despedida. I just had to or else, I will wait for two years before I can savor the moment when her face turns red after making her so wretched in embarrassment.

That is how I love this friend of mine.

In all these years that I have known her, she has made me sit and watch her teach me a lesson about humility, patience, perseverance and of course, falling in love.

As I assume my importance in this world, she silently established herself. No overestimation. No false modesty. She just keeps it real.

As I get frustrated with life, she is there showing me that the road ahead is not that all scary. She keeps her head up and prays for good things to come.

As I get cynical about love, she is there showing me the highs and lows of being eaten whole by that four-letter word.

And as I grieve for the departure to greener pastures of another friend, she is there telling me that sooner or later, my time will come.



We will miss you Sabel…

Mental Rut

For days, I sit on my workstation trying to look like I am doing something worthy of the salary that I get. Staring at the computer while occasionally writing something unimportant on my pad sheet, I am pretending to work.

I cannot get hold of the task given to me. It seems that the moment I make my brain work for the report that I have to make, my neurons are slowly dying.
Months before this job, I was literally ranting about doing nothing. I prayed to God that one day, I may be a part of a company wherein I can contribute some of my knowledge and skills. Then by August, God heard my prayer.

And here I am now, blogging about being in a mental rut.

You see, I have been whining for few days now how I miss nursing. But looking back from my first job, I did not show any signs of liking towards my profession.

What I would like to say is that contentment is such an elusive state. By this, it makes man a complete ambitious and ungrateful being. Why can’t we just appreciate the things that we have? Why do we always yearn for something that we don’t have but will not necessarily make us contented if we will have it?

For this, life offers us the choices that we have to make. Now, I will try to finish my task.

I Quit

There is this consciousness that seeks to control me. It creates a certain concept of how things should be and how I should be. What to look like, how to act and how to do things. This consciousness has prevailed in my system for years now.

There is this constant reminder in my head that I am always the second best. Actually, not the second best. The worst person.

I am always faced with embarrassment. I always feel that if I do this or that, I might offend somebody. I was never confident. I could not really think of a moment where I had confidence.

Fear of rejection. Sense of normalcy. It all comes to these two things.

Fear of being rejected. Not accepted. Unwanted. Growing up, I was alone technically so I never ventured in doing things I do not normally do. I never played sports. I never played any musical instruments. Never knew group dynamics.

Alienated from other people, I am still in the process of trying to be normal. This made my situation even worse. Trying to pattern my life with what seems to be normal only made me hate myself even more.
That is why I quit.
I quit being an object of fear of rejection. I quit trying to be normal.

I surrender to the call to belong to the plethora of “normal” people. I will move away from the demarcation process of the cool and the un-cool.

I will be what I want to be.

Siopao

nung sunday, nagpunta ako sa victory center. i was not expecting somebody na makita. or makasama. i went there to worship.

but since maaga pa, i decided to shop for my groceries. medyo nagutom ako. so kumain ako ng siopao. ung regular lang at uminom ako ng zesto. solved!

pagpunta ko sa venue ng church service, ang daming tao. at nung bago nagsimula ang service, may dalawang taong pinagtitinginan ng tao. si Piolo at KC!

hindi naman ako nastarstruck. ang immediate reaction ko lang e regret. remorse. yun ay dahil sa siopao na kinain ko!

kung mabasa mo to Piolo, salamat sa pagpapaalala na ang taba ko!

Barriotic

since kahapon ay first time kong makakita ng brazillian model, susulitin ko na. kasi kahapon, first time kong makapanood ng 3D movie sa glorietta!

dahil sa kacheapan ko, lahat ay first time. first time manood ng sine in 3 months. first time manood sa glorietta. first time sa advanced screening. first time sa 3D.

this is life! haha. so barriotic...

Brazillian

first time kong makakita ng brazillian model kahapon.

and for the nth time, nagmukha akong basahan.

madalas, iniisip ko kung what if, iba ang aking anyo. o ugali, talent or asset. as if naman napakadami ng asset ko.

naisip ko lang, what if, sobrang ayos ng mukha at body ko. pang model ba. pwede na yung mga type ni daniel matsunaga o kaya ni paolo roldan.

pero may kapalit, isa akong dakilang bobo.

ano kaya ang magiging himutok ko? lagi nalang ba akong magiging depressed nun sa mga ikinalulungkot ko ngayon? ano kayang struggles ang meron ako non?

naisip ko lang...

Success!

bagong lipat. unfamiliar pa sa mga bagay bagay sa bagong tirahan. alas dose na ng madaling araw. malamig ang gabi na nagdulot na mabilis na pagpuno ng aking urinary bladder.

lumabas ako. pumunta sa katabing banyo. sinubukang buksan ang gripo. sarado. shit! naiihi na ako.

bumaba ako from third floor. madilim pa rin kahit nakasindi na ang mga ilaw. no choice na talaga at baka maihi ako sa shorts ko.

ahh! buti walang tao sa cr sa baba. dali-dali akong pumasok at hinayaang maranasan ang katotohanan sa pangalan ng c.r. tunay na silid ng comfort!

nagflush at naghugas ng kamay. unlock ng door at hila. hila pa. at isang malakas na hila pa.

wait, kurot muna sa mukha. check! gising naman ako. hindi pala panaginip to! nakulong ako sa cr!

sige, baka madulas lang kamay ko. punas muna. hila ulit. wala pa rin! ano na gagawin ko? nakakahiya! tulog na ang lahat at kung sisigaw ako, isang katangahan ang magmamarka sa aking reputasyon!

pahinga nga muna. umupo. nagmuni-muni habang tinanggap ko ang aking kapalaran na ang gabi ko ay mairaraos sa tabi ng kubeta. titiyempuhan ko na lang na may bababa at gagamit ng c.r.

10 minutes...
20 minutes...
30 minutes...

hindi ko na kaya! masakit na ang aking katawan mula sa isang araw ng paglilipat! hila pa! shoot! naalis na ang knob ng isang pintuan! baka ievict kami agad dahil dito!

hayyy...

dasal dito. dasal doon. huminga nang malalim at sinubukang ipinihit ang isang door knob at poof! bukas na ang pinto!

dahan dahan akong naglakad at baka matunugan ng mga boarders na ang bagong lipat ang may kakagawan ng mga ungol mula sa paghila ng pintuan. pati na rin ang pagkasira ng isang door knob!

kinaumagahan, hinintay kong magkuwento ang chikadora naming landlady. wala naman nasabi sa mga ungol na narinig. o sa sirang door knob.

isang tunay na SUCCESS!

In My Hands

minsan, nakakalimutan ko na ako lang ang may kakayahang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko.

katulad na lang ng desisyon ko kung pano humarap sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. tatawa o iiyak? magmumukmok o magdadasal?

madaling magdesisyon. mas lalong madaling sumakay sa nararamdaman.

pero kailangang tandaan na sa huli, ako pa rin ang apektado.

Work in Progress

a lot of changes have happened the past few days.

we moved in to a different place.

been attending church more than ever.

thinking a lot of what i should have been doing.

for a while, i felt like there is something changing. i may have been feeling sad but there is always the effort from me trying to make things better.

Colored

i wish i could write of things that picture the happy side of my life. or the funny ones. even the embarrassing incidents of my life.

but the way things are going, my life is like in a black and white mode of a camera. all seems to be in that gloomy color with no signs of vibrancy. it is not that i am complaining. i am just here to express these sentiments. it makes me scared that if i am unable to blurt these things out, they might make me insane.

can somebody change my mode of life into a colored one?

Dead End

i am officially banned from transferring to other departments. i mean to the nursing department lest i want to face the wrath of my boss.

goodbye nursing, for now.

Reminder

as if my current state would not reached its final days. i often seat in the bus thinking nothing. clueless. silent.

it is pure numbness that covers me. all the raw feelings i have remain unresolved and unheard. in these arrangements, i chose to be numb. hollow and more of a zombie.

every moment of happiness stays for a short time. so last friday's fun was a reminder of how my life sucks in reality.

Alay Lakad

hindi naman ako nakaabot ng fairview sa paglalakad.

hindi rin naman nagcramps ang mga paa ko.

hindi rin ako sumigaw na halos lumabas na ang mga baga ko.

hindi rin ako tumalon sa España Tower.

hindi rin ako naglaslas ng pulso o lumaklak ng muriatic acid.


simple lang. lumabas ako ng bahay at umikot sa paligid ng Earnshaw at Cayco Street. huminga nang malalim. at huminga pa nang mas malalim.

maya-maya, nagrent ako ng computer. nagbukas ng facebook at nagmessage kay benj. nakipagchat sa taong espesyal sa akin (pero di ko alam kung ano ang tingin niya saken) at pati na rin kay ate. nanood at nakinig nang paulit-ulit ng mga videos na inspirational sa youtube.

kahit papano, naibsan ng konti ang dinaramdam ko. sa totoo lang, nahihirapan na ako. may choice pa ba ako but to endure all these things? lagi lang naman akong nasa sitwasyon na parang wala ng ibang choice but to accept kung ano ang nasa akin...

makapaglakad nga ulit mamaya.

My Anthem

It is Well with My Soul
by: Horatio G. Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Rosy

the world is still the world that i know as of tonight.

my salary is still the same and receiving it has magnified the fact that i am still poor. the dynamics in the family continue to depress me. and a person continues to bring confusion in my dying hope for intimacy.

what's important to me for now are these: attending church at Victory Ortigas and meeting Lovely, Jon, Joy, Von and Adrian.

these made me realize that living is not all thorns.

Kimerald ('Til My Heartaches End)

my hope for a sense of normalcy just died.

while nam was busy probing my "supposed-to-be love interest" , i was trying to pursue someone. yes nam, i am finally blogging it and i will tell you this: you are certainly wrong as this entry would prove it and you can read "H-I-S" blog as well.

but the pursuing ends here as the person is in a relationship right now.

i thought my heart was going to explode yesterday. well, i am exaggerated cause i am still here.

seriously, i was really down yesterday. while i was counting all the soiled linens in the back station of the hospital, i counted my way towards recovery. oh the poor soul! no matter how many times i counted the stock, circulating and on-bed linens, my heart won't settle with the fact that the person is in a relationship.

maybe, it was too early. or i was just conceited. probably, i never saw it. the delayed response to text messages. my unanswered calls. my removal from this person's friends list in facebook only to be requested to be a friend again this week. then the relationship status.

i. hate. this.

there are enough reasons why i stay out of love. i admit, it can get so lonely and the nights so cold. but i hate this: the feeling that your world is so rosy and then suddenly, it becomes a world of heartbreaks.

as i have told you nam, i have only been to mutual understandings. never been to any relationship. call me coward. or probably too ideal. maybe shitty with relationships. i don't know anything about it other than those i have watched in dawson's creek, skins and other foreign series. or from the books that i have read. (can i include aesop's fables?)

someone will perk me up and the excitement grows. but only for some time. then it goes off with a natural death.

for a time now, i have convinced myself that i am fine with this- being single and alone. however, my age cannot escape the scourge of being stuck with erikson's theory of intimacy versus isolation stage. i fear being unable to progress with my life's developmental stage as i see classmates celebrating the birthdays of their kids.

to this, i will have to end this post. as my expectations for love also ended. i guess i am better now. and this is what is making me single all this time: i recover easily and can convince myself that i do not need somebody...

Bombarded

do you ever think of the things you could have done? or how about the person who you could have been?

i did. and i always do.

benj makes me think like this: that my life is just the tip of the iceberg. a lot of excitement and adventure awaits me should i let go of the shell that houses the true me.

i admit. i am that stiff, always-afraid to make a fool of myself, insecure and trying to be perfect. i try hard. i laugh cautiously. i worry a lot. hence, i got no love for myself.

most of the day, i am at work but i feel so alone trying to handle its demands. i am surrounded by girls. my boss? well he exists in a different realm.

i grew up mostly with women. my mom, sister and aunt. my dad? he was often overseas working. thing is, he did not made effort to be close with me. nor did he ever introduced me to things a father teaches his son. i felt like his major concern was to provide us financially. and now that he is at home, nothing is changed. the alienation of a son to his father continues.

dominant. that is my mom. i guess it can be attributed to the fact that my dad was always never at home while growing up. she'd control things. even the littlest detail that identify me. she'd prevent me from spending time with my cousins. she'd always say that i am always having good times. i guess this is the reason why i never indulge myself to the happiness that a moment offers. i always have this control button to prevent myself from being too much.

i never played sports. my parents thought it would distract my concentration towards my studies. now i know why i can't seem to have discipline over my body. or the fact that i tend to procrastinate and never able to master time management. it may also be the reason why i prefer to work alone because i was never exposed to the dynamics of a group.

at home, my sister was close with my aunts or my other cousins. my brothers have each other. so there i am, alone and always trying to look for myself. well, nothing is changed until now. most of my friends are from my school. i never really had those friends from the neighborhood since, you guessed it, my mom did not allow me to interact with them.

right now, there are a lot of things that would want to escape me. benj have been bombarding me with difficult questions that threaten to produce similar results like of Mt. Bulusan.

i really need to think. to feel. to see.

Ang Mahiwagang Attachments

may isang kaibigan at dating kasamahan sa ehipto ang nagsabi na may isang ospital sa aswan na tumatanggap ng direct hiring para sa mga momarid (nurse).

doble ang sahod mula sa pinanggalingang ospital. libre ang bahay. managed daw ng british.

natakam ako. tao lamang ako at isang hamak na gahaman sa pera para sa pangkabuhayan. nangangarap lamang ako nang mas magandang buhay. well, mas magaan na buhay na muna. ambisyoso na masyado yun.

message dito at message doon mula sa mga taong may connection sa ospital. hanggang nakuha ko ang email address nung papadalhan ng resume.

itinakda ko kagabi ang pagpapadala ng resume sa pamamagitan ng pagrerenta ng computer sa mga shop. pagkagaling ng divisoria, bigla akong nangati. sa likod. sa balikat. sa tiyan. sa binti. major allergy!

nagtake ako ng anti-histamine and ang ending, groggy na ako mula sa gamot. in short, hindi ako nakapaginternet at nakapagpasa ng resume.

sabi ko ngayon na lang. dito sa work. risky pero ala naman si boss. until now, naka benteng ulit na ata ako ng kakarefresh ng pagcompose ng mail. lagi kasing naiipit ang pag-attach ko kaya kailanagang magrefres at umulit.

is it a sign? na dapat hindi na ako babalik ng egypt? first, allergy. then, eto na naman. hindi ako makapagattach. pero sa ibang sites nakakapasok naman ako. so anong problema?

kung ganon man, na hindi ako para sa egypt, then thank you. at least, ngayon palang alam ko na.

Booby

the day that my man boobs decided to be a part of me, my sense of machismo died.

i was always teased about them. hey have built their lives on me being pissed every time i look in the mirror. even if i turn to my side, they protrude like a young girl hitting puberty. i hate them.

however, i am guilty of harboring them. i eat a lot and i do not exercise. but, why am i "blessed" with boobs? i did not ask for them.

please Lord, let it not be gynecomastia! i will eat healthily now... please!?

Diary Notes 002

dear diary,

sunday.

food. an opportunity. attending the party for one of my aunts was turned into a heated argument between me and my dad. i want to escape the small talks. the awkward moments when i am left with no one to talk with while all of my cousins laugh at some silly stories. i want to escape explaining to people why i am still here in the philippines when i should be working in the u.k. in the end, i was powerless and i was forced to attend.

what about the opportunity? well, i am thinking of applying as an au pair. like a caregiver or something because you can work in europe. that is like my ultimate dream! i should be in europe because i feel like i am a european in my past life. but, money is the problem and i really have to think about it. i guess this was the good part of attending the party. well, the lechon of course was a hit.

monday

data collection. as always. it is just that i do not like the idea of being rushed to do things. blame the boss haha.

my brothers were a bit annoying over the fact of having the refrigerator also coming with us when we move in to our new place. yes, we are moving out of the sauna-like room where we are staying in right now.

got money problems. i felt so poor as i do not have even five thousand pesos to spare for our deposit for our new place.

tuesday

i am just happy and blessed to have benj as my friend.

wednesday

came home late because i had to finish a report. geez! my boss should have informed us early on so i did not have to cram.

so what is for tomorrow? i only pray for good things...

Ice Cream

sa mga nakaraan posts ko, masyadong depressing. pero isa lang ang naisip ko, maswerte pa rin ako.

depressed man ako at nag-iisa, at least hindi ako nangangailangan ng anti-depressant para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. may kaibigan kasi ako na naggagamot para sa depression.

so mataas man daw ang sahod niya, napupunta naman daw karamihan nun sa gamot niya. worse, maraming side-effects yun.



i guess kailangan ko ng ice cream!

*photo taken here.

Diary Notes 001

dear diary,

sunday

it was alright. church sermon was fine. i just hope i did not lose my temper over staying too long at my lola's house. i just felt out of place again. i slept my way through the morning after the breakfast that we had. the afternoon was spent on running around the house. it felt good. i really wanted to be skinny. and physically fit. i hope i can make it.

monday

it was all saints' day. as per family tradition, all of us had to go to the cemetery on both sides of my parents. i only have my grandma (mother side) who is well and alive. i was just a bit disappointed on my dad's decision to all do the visit on one day. last year, we went to the cemetery on the 31st of october to visit my dad's side so i was just a little sad since i had to go to manila on the same day in the afternoon.

morning was spent on my mom's side. we were early and so it was nice since there were only few people visiting. i was just uncomfortable with what i wore. saw my second cousins and i was not really happy meeting them. i don't know why. after the visit, had a great lunch at my grandma's house. sobrang baboy ko ulit.

the afternoon was entirely different. it was raining really hard and had difficulty in getting our things out of the car. my sister and i wanted to pay respect early on but my parents had other things in mind. in the end, i was so pissed because i was tired of carrying things from the cemetery to the car and the rain won't stop from destroying my day. the trip back to manila gave me inner peace. i was alone again.

tuesday

i was standing all day at work! i did data collection again for a study i cannot find the significance. it was all the idea of my supervisor. i can feel the tension now between me and my supervisor. good thing, i was away from the office the whole day and being with nurses and doctors made me feel comfortable. it was in this day that made me realize that i really love nursing.

wednesday

nothing significant. work is getting boring for me. tuesday's realization made me think of applying for a job again in egypt. but, i did not send my resume. still thinking. i felt that what i am doing right now does not contribute anything to me professionally.

thursday

sumabog nako sa supervisor ko. gagawa ng metrics ng hindi clear. ayaw ko ng paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya. hindi ngumingiti kapag nakikipag-usap samen o kahit sa area. hindi siya clear sa explanation niya and nag-assume na kung ano ang nasa isip niya e yun din ang nasa amin. nakakaasar! ang key results area ko hindi nasusunod to think wala akong formal trainig sa work. sabak ako agad sa mga studies. nakaka-asar lang dahil hindi siya kaaya-ayang katrabaho. why can't we have nice people at work? if all office mates are nice, then we can all be productive. i finally decided that i will stay in this position for a year. i have to lay out all the projects and do the things expected of me. i really miss nursing!

friday

work was a bit better because it was payday! yay! my mind was not at work. i was less productive. i have tried controlling my temper and had more patience while dealing with her. i was full of positivity!

saturday

spent mostly on bed sleeping after i took an anti-allergy medicine that made me drowsy. ate crabs, shrimps and okoy! for the win!

had a little argument with my brother and i wished that i can have my own room in manila. i am getting suffocated with conflicts between the two.


you know what, i feel like my life has been dying. i have no real friends whom i can talk to personally. i have no social life. i wake up to go to work and go home to sleep in preparation for another day at work. i have no hobby. i have no inspiration. i have no zest in life.

so what to do now? i feel like i do not have much of a choice but to deal with life's offerings. i know that people may say that all is up to me. a matter of perspective and making the right choices. i feel like i am powerless. i hope it will change.

so for now, you are my only friend, so stay with me diary.

always,

charl

Teenage Dreams

was it five? no i think ten times ko ng pinapanood to:



watching it resurrected those frustrations that i had in the past. i guess they will remain as teenage dreams...

Halimaw

for the past days, ako ay naging bugnutin sa trabaho.

ang mali ko, sinasabayan ko ang ugali ng supervisor ko at sa uli, nagagaya ko siya. hay kasi naman, maggawa ng mga bagay bagay na walang consultation sa mga taong nagbababad sa area. ang pakikipag-usap e parang walang kabuhay-buhay. hindi ngumingiti.

nung isang umaga, i was wishing na sana maging smooth ang lahat. sa kamalas- malasan, nakasakay ko pa sa bus ang aking supervisor. talk about your fortune!

i need to be more positive and gentle. lumalabas na ang pagiging halimaw ko sa office at baka hindi ako iregular haha.

Better

at this very moment, i feel like stopping the world from spinning so i can just free myself from life's detours.

i am sensitive. but i try not to overdo it. i just wish i can do something. to hear the problems that befall on us, worthless is what i feel.

now i know that my faith tells me that i should hold on to God's promise. to stop and remember that He never fails. i hope i can do it.

when you are challenged financially, it seems that your world is being narrowed. what seems to be important was never really significant.

malling becomes a physical activity. clothes are really just for protection. for cover. phones are really for sending and receiving text messages. food is what is served in the house.

i was telling benj that in my two-month stay with my current job, i have not really bought anything that i can consider as a luxury. it is a good thing though since times are hard for the family. i am not complaining; i am just stating a fact.

a column in the newspaper today mentioned about letting God do His thing. our human mind fails extensively in that what we think is good for us should happen in our own expectations. truly, i have never doubted my existence as a human being.

i am saying goodbye to october in hopes that by few minutes from now, i can peacefully sleep with confidence that tomorrow will be a better day.

Flavor of the Month

forget about the oracle. or the consequences of my actions. kasi naman, parang lagi na lang may mali. or lagi na lang akong isang malaking disappointment sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

the appreciation of people around me matters most pero only the people who really know me are capable of seeing the beauty in me. it sucks pero yun ang totoo. it is not a problem anymore because it was there since my mind taught me to lick my own wounds. mahirap pero no choice.

i have a co-worker na parang worst pa sa mom ko. can't really tell pero nakaranas siyang masampal in public. nagtataka kasi ako dahil parang wala siyang hang ups sa mom niya. she can joke around and still be the best with relationships. parang no damage was done to her. well, dahil siguro mayaman sila and they were well-provided by both parents. so i am stopping now from thinking kung bakit ako hindi ganon.

sobrang nadedepress lang ako these past few days. sa work, medyo sensitive lang ako sa supervisor ko. imagine creating metrics and audit tools without consulting us? kahit inputs man lang kasi ako naman talaga ang babad sa area. tas im sick pa with colds so i was a bit sensitive and all.

pagdating naman sa bahay, i was fighting the urge to buy food instead of cooking my own. kakapagod kasi. ihahanda mo na at lulutuin, ikaw pa ang maghuhugas. it felt like every thing i had to do was a struggle.

wala man lang kasing inspiration. or some drive that what i am doing is the right thing and will lead me to my success. pwede rin sana ng isang mahiwagang panaginip na pwede kong subaybayan ang misteryo sa buhay ko. wala talaga.

in short, wasak.

i am glad october is nearly over. i hope my woes will go with the month.

Better Be Safe Than Different

the ultimate sorrow of being different is this: you are alone. and it seems that no one understands you.

when people are yearning for uniqueness, i was at the other side wanting to be normal. to belong to the average. at least, it is safe.

and somehow, the loneliness you feel is the greatest kind when you still feel alienated even when you are living with your family.

The Grinch for Halloween

well, i'm pissed.

not just the simple-why-don't-i-forget-it kind of pissed. for one, i am pissed with half of my family. second, my mind will not let it slip away. lastly, tomorrow is the birthday of the twins and there will be a small celebration. spell awkward!

thing is, it was really planned that i will go home tomorrow since i will buy flowers and stuff for the all souls' day on monday. i am fine with that. my simple way of helping out.

while other souls will be scented with flowers and lighted with candles, my soul is now confined in the four corners of our small room in manila. alone. nothing to do. so just imagine losing the chance of sleeping in my comfortable bed in pampanga for tonight while wrestling with boredom here.

what pissed me off was the fact that i was not buying any flowers anymore. when did i learn of this? the time when the long lines at the bus stations would rival any sarah geronimo-john lloyd cruz movie and when the two-lane roads become four.

if my sister did not text me that i won't be buying anymore, i could have wasted 600 bucks tomorrow. so an inquiry was sent to confirm. but, no reply from my adorable brothers nor did my aunt know about this who was the one who asked me to buy. i had to clarify things since i didn't know if the ones that they have bought were only for our family.

after few hours, they finally sent me the message. when all the loneliness i have been feeling have reached its saturation point and when there was no chance of going home to pampanga. oh the pathetic me!

i was thinking, paulo could have been forgivable. he was driving. but my parents and marco were not driving. if they had the intention to buy, they could have told me earlier while they were on their way to the store. then, they could have informed also my aunt so i won't be confused.

tell me, am i being too ideal? or perfectionist in this situation? they always tell me that i am hard to please. that my standards are too high for them. yeah, sometimes i am. but how about this one? i need to know since i am really pissed.

tomorrow, i will again assume the role of the resident snob in the house. now you know my halloween character.

Acceptance

as the jeepney hurried its way to divisoria, she caught the driver's attention. it was rainy. and dark. but her figure was not hard to miss.

in an instant, the driver gave her the respect by stopping. we waited. i and the other passengers in the jeepney. we had to since the driver was desperate for her. the two old ladies on my side barely moved to give space for the special passenger.

her feet were sandaled by a purple design which had to be really not comfortable for rain. mud will eventually find its places. but, she didn't mind. the purple sandals were not enough as her blouse decided it was just fitting to be in the same shade. hair rebonded and fingernail all polished in blue with flower details in the center. her teeth were shining from the wires of the braces. her cheeks were powdered with pink substance that made her face appear pinkish under the yellow light from the not earth-friendly bulb.

even if it was raining, it was still hot. and humid. but, she didn't care as she gently tossed her hair back to the sides while she had to send text messages to an unknown receiver. she reached to her purse and took a 20-peso bill. i estimated that it was around at 4 decibels when she said that the money was for one passenger, that was obviously her. she rapidly decided that sending text messages was more important than getting her change as manong driver had to repeat the question as to how many passengers will be paid with the 20-peso.

no one from the jeepney answered for her. in the sheer silence of the travel, manong driver had to ask again. this time, he did not fail. she then decided to utter some inaudible words since she thought it was too loud to speak at above 4 decibels. sensing it was not working, she used some hand gestures all in her delight to display her polished nails.

at last, the communication was successful! she was then back again in the comfort of her mobile phone. evidently, she was oblivious to the fact that she was inviting harm to her end as robbers were plenty in that area. honestly, i wished for her to be robbed. for her mobile phone to be snatched but that would endanger me as well.

the message was sent successfully as now, she was surprised that she almost missed her destination! she instantly informed the driver that she would be getting down from the jeepney but you guessed it! it was meant for no one to hear her request.

so i laughed in a simple and covert manner with the devilish details as she had to walk a few steps towards her destination. the two old ladies had to remark that she was really "MAARTE."

i could only nod in agreement.

girl, your being MAARTE and Pa-Cute won't make you any prettier. even the make-up and braces won't lift your place from the abyss of being worthless to the surface of beauty.

accept it!

Botcha

kumain ako ng siomai.

kumuha pa ako. nasarapan kasi ako e. tsaka libre. may sobra kasi mula sa dinaluhang seminar.

nang walang kaabug-abog, bigla na lamang nagkomento ang paborito kong office mate, "hindi ko siya gusto. hindi siya masarap. parang lasang botcha."

isang wtf ang tumakbo sa isip ko dahil sa tatlong dahilan:

1. hindi ko kailangan ang komento mo. hindi naman ikaw ang kakain so better shut your mouth.

2. walang pakialamanan. buhay ko to ate. kung bumula man ang bibig ko dahil sa lason na kakainin ko, so be it. kainin mo nalang yung pagkain mo na galing sa karinderya habang kakainin namin ang aming food from kfc. haha

3. hindi ako kumakain ng botcha. so hindi ko alam ang lasa ng karneng double dead. buti ka pa alam mo, pero, sayo na lang yan te.

bitter kasi itong office mate ko. hindi nabigyan ng fully loaded meal dahil alam naming may pagkain sila from their training. ayun. kung anu-ano kinocomment.

basta, life is beautiful. lalo na pag lasang botcha ang pagkain at libre! haha

Greener

there is a difference of satisfaction when you ate like there was no tomorrow and the one when you felt too sophisticated after eating.

consistent in being too ambitious, i tried the mediterranean diet. basically, the diet is about having 9-10 servings of fruits and vegetables per day.

on sunday, the heavy winds and the strong out pour of rain brought about by the typhoon Juan could not stop me from going to landmark at the trinoma mall just to buy some vegetables. well, ice lettuce only.

so for four days now, i have been eating a lot of greens with fruits on the side. and honestly, i feel weird.

lesson learned: it is hard to be a goat. or a cow.

Barbaric

sa mga taong nagtatanong pero ayaw maniwala sa mga sinasabi ko, isang malaking SH*T para sa iyo.

ang kagalingan sa trabaho ay hindi nasusukat sa paraan ng pagsasalita o kung sa paano ka umasta.

kapag hindi masyadong magaling at ang pagpapanggap ay hindi kapani-paniwala, tumahimik na lamang.

Choices

was it because of my failed attempt to work in the u.k.? or my demeanor towards them?

things are beyond my control over that u.k. thing. the Lord knows how i wanted to work there. about my demeanor, i admit that i falter sometimes in controlling my temper. no, not my temper. my tendency that i think the world should run according to how i wanted it.

but i have been good these past few weeks.

so it is just sad that other people are able to look at your potential for success while those people you expected did not even see the possibility. moreover, their dejection is so obvious that the feeling of being useless is not hard to miss.

now i know why i am not thrilled about my work.

it is unfair for my work to harbor these toxic feelings. i am appreciated there. i get to meet new friends and even if the salary is low, i am thriving.

i choose to be positive. i choose happiness that can come from a contented heart. i choose faith. faith that can sustain me through all these storms. i choose freedom. freedom from all those unnecessary thoughts that dampen my spirit to live life to the fullest.

it is my choice now.

Bitin

i am here at work.

but i could not start with my tasks right away as i had to stop and take it all in. did it really happen? or was it just a dream?

i have stopped counting how many times i have pinched myself to realize that yes, it happened.

it was true that i have finally met them- nam and rian.

after numerous calls and text messages, the stars have aligned for us to finally get together. i was nervous. it was like meeting your blind date and not a thing in your mind can deliver some sense of calmness. i was nervous but i did not know why.

was it nam's comedic timing that has to be translated into my archaic memory system in order for me to realize that rian has been bullied? or was it rian's effortless way of dismissing nam's banter that felt so normal like the sun's rising and setting?

truth is, the uneasiness was unnecessary. much more, a waste of positive energy.

the two are by far the kindest, sweetest and funniest people i have met online. well, they are my only online friends right now. it does not matter. what will i do with throngs of online friends who cannot understand me? or with people who cannot leave me gasping for more entertaining and enriching stories?

they are real people. honest. unpretentious. they blurt out things you don't expect them to say. they think loudly and their thoughts can transcend the borders of mild stupidity. they make you think. they dig into your soul and reach for that repressed compartment to bring it out in the open. their spirits are free that they belong to a different league of greatness.

you see, i have come to a point in my life that i always grab opportunities for meeting people. as i have said to the duo, i am trying to be more open to people.

and i am glad i did 'cause last night was so surreal that i had to drink three glasses of iced tea to convince myself that i am having dinner with them. i stopped talking during conversations to breathe in the air that validated that it was the same air that rian and nam breathed in. i took glances and inscribed them in my mental pad on how they look and how they talk. more importantly, how they are as a person.

i am ending this post now. just like how our night ended. it was short. fun. memorable. inspiring. that is how i like this post to be.

Unsure

am i the only one unsure of the bright future that my new work brings?

well, my parents are included.

last saturday, i went to FEU to have my recommendation letter accomplished by my research adviser in college. it was for my application for master's degree. at first, i was hesitant since i told her before that i was leaving for u.k.

however, she was the only one who can get my recommendation letter done. i was never close with other faculty members.

in the end, i was thankful that i went to see her. she told me about her experiences and her struggles while starting as a newly-licensed nurse. and this: she was so happy and proud of my job!

to add, she even told me that my work has a lot of opportunities in the u.s. and that it is the current trend for hospitals.

so should i stay longer with my job? maybe.

Kenny Rogers

2006

bagyong milengyo. brownout at maulan. bukod pa dyan ang malakas na hangin na muntik nang maglipad sa bubong ng mga kapitbahay ni weng. sa bahay ako nun ni weng. dun ako nagcelebrate ng birthday. hindi ko makakalimutan dahil sa bagyo. oh well, madalas, may bagyo naman sa birthday ko kaya nga nung 7th birthday ko, walang party na naganap. pano ang baha e abot hanggang baywang noon.

ang handa ko e masarap na lucky me pancit canton at monay galing julie's bakery. basa pero meaningful. at least, hindi ako nag-iisa sa birthday. may bisita naman ako nun. si tin. haha. good times. bakit ba kasi pag september maulan.

2007

paalis si daddy papuntang uganda. busy dahil biglaan ang alis niya. sa sobrang biglaan, nakalimutan ng mga magulang ko na birthday ko pala. nagbiyahe kami papuntang airport. yun lang. nakakapagod. special pa rin naman dahil sobrang daming naganap sa taon na to. graduation. board exams.

ang handa ko e doughnut habang kumakain sa bus. hindi naman maulan sa taong ito. mainit pa nga.

2008

sa egypt na to. mag-iisang buwan sa ccu. ang eksena? toxic sa patient. dahil hindi pa marunong ng pamatay na diskarte, 630 pm na nakapaglunch. ang patient ay totoong napakadiwara. maangal at madaming kahilingan sa buhay.

bago ako bumaba para magbreak, nabigyan ako ng 100 pounds haha. regalo? siguro natunugan niya na birthday ko. pangkain din ito at panggrocery. habang mag-isa akong kumakain ng matabang na pasta at chicken fillet, tumabi sa upuan ang isang pinoy nurse. kinumusta ako at hindi ko naiwasan na ilabas ang sama ng loob at katoxican ko sa duty. at the end ng break, bumalik ako nang may ngiti sa labi kahit nagsimulang magdirawa ulit ang matandang pasyente.

walang handa sa bahay at walang celebration. bagsak agad sa kama sa sobrang pagod.

2009

maitim. payat. ito ang itsura ko pero sa totoo lang, masaya ako sa mga panahong ito. katatapos lang ng isang linggong paglalakbay sa egypt at pagbalik ko, apat na araw na lang at uuwi na ako ng pilipinas. hindi na ako babalik sa egypt.

walang pera dahil sa paglalakbay kaya't isang simpleng salu-salo na lang ang naisip ko. ang baked macaroni ni mark at lumpiang shanghai. yun lang. sama na rin despedida ko dito. pero ang mas masaya dito e yung celebration ko sa little buddha sa sharm el sheikh ng red sea. sa isang resto-bar kasama ang mga bagong kaibigan.

bagong kahulugan ng kasiyahan.

2010

nasa trabaho pero hindi kaharap ang makulit na pasyente. kasama ko ang mga bagong office mates. simple lang ang araw ko. walang magarbong selebrasyon. masaya dahil sa mga taong naka-alala at sa mga taong nagbigay panahon para bumati. naramadaman ko ang saya ng isang taong maraming nagmamahal. walang handa pero sagana sa pagmamahal.

thank You Lord!

Baka sa Susunod

bukas, birthday ko na.

hindi ko alam kung ano mangyayari bukas. wala naman akong mga expectations o mga wish list ng material na bagay.

sa ngayon, ang gusto ko lang e makaraos kami. makatapos ang kambal. magkaroon ng mas magandang trabaho si ate at kung papalarin sa edad niya, pati na ang aking ama. idagdag pa ang magandan kalusugan at kaligtasan para sa lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay.

kung walang regalo, ok lang. kung meron, mas ok. dumating na ako sa punto ng buhay ko na alam kung ano ang mas importante. kung ano ang mas makakapagpasaya. ang mga kaibigan. mga TV series na sinusubaybayan ko. mga pagkaing masarap. pagkakataong makatulog nang mas matagal.

nung hulyo, ang tanging gusto ko lamang ay magkatrabaho bago sumapit ang aking kaarawan. natupad naman iyon.

kaya nung tanungin ako ng aking boss ngayon kung ano ang gusto ko, hindi ako makasagot. sinabi ko na lamang na wala. nagulat ang lahat. madalang lang daw magtanong ang aming boss kaya bakit ko daw pinakawalan ang pagkakataon.

sa loob ko, hindi pa ito ang takdang panahon. darating din ako sa pagkakataon na hihingin ko ang kalayaan sa departamentong ito at lilipat na sa nursing.

baka sa susunod na birthday.

Alaala ng Isang Pagtatapos

sa araw na ito, nagtapos ang lahat...ang katapusan ng isang taon na pamamalagi sa Egypt.



ang tahanan ng mga pyramids...



ang pagtatrabaho sa isang napakachallenging na hospital...



ang pagkain ng big meal tuwing day shift...



ang pagdamay ng mga taong nagpapagaan ng duty...ate emma, shiela, doctor shamy, mohammad (na nurse at porter), hanan at safaa...



ang pagkakaroon ng bagong pamilya at kaibigan...



ang pagsama ng mga kaibigan sa galaan kahit sa tuktok ng Mt. Sinai...



o kahit mag-isa lang sa mga paglalakbay...



basta sa pagdiriwang ng aking kaarawan ay hindi nag-iisa...



salamat Egypt. utang ko ang mga karanasan sa buhay na nagpapatibay sa akin. ang mga kaibigan na nagpapa-alala na laging may kamay na aalalay sa iyo sa hirap man o ginhawa. sa mga napakagandang tanawin na nagsasabing ang lahat ay kayang marating ng isang taong naniniwala.

sa araw na ito, ang buhay ko ay nagsisimula ulit...

Baligtad

nag-usap kami ni sheng.

ano nga ba ang mararamdaman mo kapag narinig mo ang iyong ama na inahahabilin na kayong magkakapatid sa kanyang kapatid at mga kaibigan? na bukas o sa makalawa, maari na siyang mamahinga nang lubusan?

wala akong naisagot kay sheng. isang matagal na pananahimik habang pinipilit na pagaanin ang sitwasyon ang aking tugon.

ang mga tanong lang ang pumuno sa blangko kong isipan. mas nanaisin mo bang mamahinga na ang iyong ama? kahit alam mong siya na lang ang iyong natitirang magulang? araw- araw, nakikita mo siyang nakaratay. nakikibuno sa sakit na biglaang dumapo habang pinipilit na maging matatag laban sa pangungulila sa asawang kelan lang namayapa.

e ang maging ulila? kaya mo ba?

kayong magkakapatid na lamang ang matitirang haharap sa mga darating pang umaga. kapag may mga tanong ka na ang tanging makakasagot lang ay ang dunong na dulot ng edad, san ka huhugot ng sagot?

sa tuwing mag-uusap kami ni sheng, parang ako ang tinutulungan niya. imbes na siya. siguro, ito ang paraan ng Diyos para matahimik ako sa mga kalungkutan ko na nag-uugat sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid. sa pamilya. sa trabaho. laging nababaligtad ang aking pananaw kapag nag-uusap kami.

minsan ata, dapat baligtad na lang ang mundo ko.

Mata

my dad was persistent. he told me to talk to my cousin. said she wanted to give me some words. some warnings.

i was never really interested to hear her. she is my cousin and the idea of her knowing my inner thoughts or my future is freaky. besides, we were really not close.

but dad called me while i was busy with my report. it was weird because we never really talk about serious stuff. all the things that my cousin told him, he shared it with me. proud. perfectionist. that is how i am he said and from their observation, it is true that i am like that picture of a hard to please person.

i listened. never bothered to defend myself. it is out in the open. what more can i say? might as well give acceptance a chance. and from that sales talk, i finally obliged to communicate with my cousin.

the chat was uplifting. focusing on life's experiences. it was good. just good.

i will stop it from here. i have to hold on to my own beliefs and judgment. i hope my parents will do the same. she may see the future or the situation from a different side but i believe God controls everything.

He sees everything. He sees our financial troubles. my constant senseless thoughts regarding my career path. my insecurities. my inadequacies. His eyes are on me...

Gayuma

it started with the end of my cousin's marriage.

lost, she started to look for answers. as culture would have it, "gayuma" might be a possibility. but to confirm is like a mountain that is unreachable. out of nowhere, jonah came to the rescue. how could we forget that her older sister who used to worked with us, was treated by her uncle?

that uncle of jonah had some answers.

so from there, it was like light was coming out in a room that is full of darkness. my sister sought for answers as well but she was stubborn and would not let go of her ex-boyfriend. it was at that moment when jonah's uncle saw me. my suffering. the pressure from my parents. my short temper. my worries. all that i try to keep by myself were all exposed.

and i listened. i took some advice. i obeyed with his instructions which were mostly about praying and having faith. of changing attitudes and being positive. even to this day, i have asked for his guidance.

then came the bigger search for answer: why our family, the whole side of my dad's family, unable to reach success. apparently, there is this relative who instead of praying for us, is heaping curses. how did he know? i really don't know also. maybe in his dreams or in a different state, he was able to see the cousin of my dad who is based in singapore!

at this time, i am not trying to convince you to believe but thing is, there are some things that made me shiver for he was able to know intimated details of our family!

he was able to know that my dad brought something for my grandfather but nothing for my grandmother. that a cousin of mine was adopted and many other things. and so my relatives listened and gave it a thought. prayed together as a family as he instructed as to do.

but it was getting complicated from here. one of my aunts told my cousin who is based in paris. she was furious and apparently, had her third eye opened. a form of mental or psychic confrontation happened. as a result, my cousin started to talk to each and every one of us to give warning and most of all, advice.

to be continued....

Staying

hirap akong magblog.

at work, i get to open blogger and create some posts but the motivation was left in the heart of sampaloc while trying to extend sleep. and as if my responsibility is really that big to my few readers, i had to find some inspiration to write about.

so tuesday was that day when i thought i reached my limit with my new work. you see, i love to relax and enjoy the idea that i have no more work to do. i was wrong.

my boss decided that reviewing the study that i facilitated should be done by at least few hours before he will present it to the management. so i panicked. and i felt the pressure building in. he was not getting my line of thought and i was getting frustrated.

then time suddenly felt that i could use some slowing of the clock's hands. i typed like there was no tomorrow. i faced the computer like i was alone in the room. finally, it was done.

in my mind, i told myself that this is it. i will just stay here before i will get to be regularized (oh how assuming i have become!). but then, i felt the day hugged me and offered some comfort that these things are but normal. i gave in and breathed in the air of acceptance, humility and patience.

this is my life now. not near any patients or the alarms of syringe pumps. i am in my slacks not in my scrub suit. i give reports not medications. is this what i wanted? no. but just because i have not really realized what i wanted to do. so from here and there, i am staying.

Question and Answer

palaisipan sa amin kung bakit ganito ang naging kinahantungan ng aming karera.

ano nga ba ang kulang? ano ang naging pagkukulang namin sa kanilang pamantayan? sadya ba kaming hindi karapat dapat para hindi bigyan ng pagkakataon? bakit nga ba?

para sa akin at kay weng, nanatili itong isang malaking tanong hanggang ngayon. ngunit para kay sheng, ang lahat ay nasagot sa itinakdang panahon.

kung hindi niyo natatandaan si sheng, siya yung kaibigan ko na naghintay ng mahigit dalawang taon para makapagtrabaho sa new zealand. hanggang sa hindi na natuloy.

taong 2007 nung kami ay gumradweyt. hanggang ngayon, ni minsan ay hindi nakapagtrabaho si sheng sa ospital. nandyan ng isang hakbang nalang at tanggap na siya sa trabaho. ngunit hindi. ipapatawag ang lima pero siya ay nanatiling naghihintay.

cum laude si sheng. above 80% ang board rating. ano pa ba kulang? o higit sa lahat, ano ang dahilan?

sa mga pagkakataon na wala kaming parehong trabaho, madalas kaming magchat. nagbibigay ng encouragement at nagtutulungan na labanan ang depression sa pagiging jobless at frustrated. lalo na pag alam namin na ang mga ilang kabatch o kaklase na bulakbol sa klase ay nagtatrabaho na sa mga ospital. noong nakaraan buwan, habang ako ay busy sa pag-aayos ng requirements sa aking bagong trabaho, labis akong nagulat at nalungkot sa natanggap kong text.

malubha ang sakit ng mga magulang ni sheng. parehong stage 4 na cancer. ang kanyang ama, sa spinal cord na nagdulot ng pagkaparalisa mula nipple line pababa ng kanyang katawan. ang kanyang ina naman, sa breast. nalaman na lamang na maysakit ang ina ng maospital ito dahil may tubig na pala sa baga ang kanyang ina. malala na pareho.

apat na magkakapatid sina sheng. ang kuya niya ng isang guro, siya na nurse at ang dalawang kapatid pa niya na pareho pang nasa kolehiyo. ang isa, kumukuha ng densistry at ang isa ay sa kursong nutrition. mga magsasaka ang kanyang magulang pero lumaki silang marangal at matatalino.

sa isang iglap, ang pagiging magulang ay naatang kay sheng. bilang nurse, naging natural ang pumagitna sa mga desisyong pangkalusugan at sa mga bagay na hindi na kayang desisyunan ng kanyang kuya. sa mga pagkakataong ito, si sheng na ang tumayo bilang ina at ama ng kanyang pamilya.

at nung martes, nakapiling na ng ina ni sheng ang Panginoon. sa isang buwan lamang na abiso ng sakit ng kanyang ina, ang laban ay natapos na habang ang kanyang ama ay patuloy na nakaratay sa banig ng karamdaman.

kanina, nagpunta ako sa burol ng kanyang ina. sa pananahimik namin, pareho naming napagtanto ang dahilan ng kanyang pagiging tambay. ang kawalan ng pagkakataon na maipamalas ang kanyang galing sa aming propesyon. iyon pala ay magsilbi sa pinakamahalagang pasyente ng kanyang buhay: ang kanyang mga magulang.

walang pagsisi. handa siya sa pagkawala ng kanyang ina. sa mga panahon na wala siyang trabaho, nilubos niya ang mga oras na makapiling at makasama ang kanyang pamilya. naging masaya sila sa kanilang mga camping at mga paglalakbay pati na rin sa mga kuwentuhan nila.

"kung nagkatrabaho ako, magiging isang malaking pagsisi ang aking pagtanggap sa pagkakataon na 'yon," sambit ni sheng. totoo nga naman. ang mga oras na nailaan dapat sa trabaho ay kanyang nagugol sa paglikha ng mga alaala na mananatili sa kanya habang buhay.

sa paghahanap ng mga sagot, ninais ko munang magpahinga. tanggapin ang mga bagay bagay at ibubulong sa aking isip na ang lahat ng ito ay may dahilan. hindi man ako natuloy sa u.k. at ngayon ay nagtatatrabaho ako hindi bilang isang nurse. ang aming pinansyal na kalagayan ay naghihingalo na at maraming alingasngas ang bumabagabag sa aming pamilya.

subalit, hahayaan ko na lamang ito. darating din ang panahon na ang lahat ay matutuldukan ng isang sagot sa tanong na bakit.